Dear Young Kozo,
Although I know your body is as tender and hairless as a fresh cut piece of sushi and you are one of the smallest kids in your class, I urge you to drop your drawers and start showering in the boy’s locker room now.
I know this idea seems preposterous, but I assure you that the benefits will far outweigh any ridicule, embarrassment, or torture you may encounter. Here are five powerful resources you will gain from this simple act.
Presence
I know what you are thinking: I will wait until I’m a little older/bigger/popular to start showering in the locker room. The problem is that if you start this thinking now, you will never be big enough, old enough, or popular enough—you will never be enough. You will be 49 years old and still hesitant to show your true self to others.
You are enough right now. Your body is perfect just the way it is. You have a birthright to be yourself without restrictions. Others may disagree, but they don’t know you as well as I do.
Beauty
When you see your naked body in relation to other naked bodies, you will realize that bodies and people come in all different shapes and sizes. There is no one size or shape that defines beauty. Beauty is a combination of elements. Beauty can only exist in wholeness. Imagine if you lopped off someone’s nose or breasts. Would that piece be beautiful even if it was “perfectly” proportioned, colored, or textured?
You will come to see that your body makes sense in a way that only your body can. Your skinny legs, angular cheek bones, and lack of body hair go together like pieces of a 3-D puzzle. If you replace any of these pieces, the puzzle wouldn’t be the beautiful masterpiece that it is.
Friendship
At first, you might feel alone. Everyone in the locker room might ridicule you. They might even start a rumor that spreads around the whole school.
You might be known as the hairless Asian kid with a small penis, but you will be known. You will quickly find out that a majority of your class, school, and nation are ashamed of parts of their bodies, even the most popular girls and manly boys. Your vulnerability, courage, and honesty will resonate with countless others who will seek you out. They might not know what to say, but they will be your friends.
For every jerk who whips you with their towel or shoves you in a locker, there will be 20 other kids who will share your pain. This camaraderie will extend beyond the locker room. You will realize that you have a common bond with all of humanity in your desire to be accepted, loved, and happy.
The friends you make now will be true friends who like you for who you are rather than who you pretend to be. They will mirror your authenticity with their own. You will connect as humans, not as opportunities to gain more status or popularity.
Freedom
Unbeknownst to you, you have been boxed into tighter and tighter prisons since the day you were born. You have been restricted in your actions, feelings, and thoughts by the act-like-a-man box, the size-matters box, the minority box, and the athletics-rule-high-school box.
Being courageous enough to stand naked in front of others is like a sledge hammer that breaks down the walls of all these boxes. You will finally be free to be who you are. After confronting whatever judgment you will receive from this locker room experience, you will have taken a huge step towards the freedom to dance how you want to dance, date whom you want to date, study what you want to study, and say what you want to say.
An added bonus will be the freedom from the opinions of others. Others will think things about you whether you shower naked or not. But when you disregard what others think and do what you want to do, you will realize that the opinions of others can only affect you if you let them.
Empathy
Experiencing the suffering of exclusion, ridicule, and, maybe even, physical abuse in the locker room as a freshman will help you understand the fear, hesitation, and pain of other students when you become a senior. You will be less likely to judge, ridicule, and abuse others.
This ability to feel what others feel will serve you for the rest of your life. It will prevent you from telling your college girlfriend that she needs to lose some weight. It will stop you from yelling at your 5 year old son to “quit crying like a little girl.” Empathy will make you a better friend, partner, father, colleague, and human.
Later in economics, you will learn a term called ROI. It stands for return on investment. I guarantee you that the investments of courage, vulnerability, and resilience that you make in this one action will pay you dividends of love, friendship, happiness, and well-being for the rest of your life.
May the Force Be With You,
49 Year Old Kozo
— modified photo Kate Ter Haar/ Flickr Creative Commons
I guess the coach “Lerkfish” mentioned above had a different agenda. I was in high school when you were in junior high. Bullying was tolerated in the entire district. I also still maintain that the traditional approach did not promote physical fitness for nonathletic students, who were actually discouraged from becoming physically active. My health club experience of working with personal trainers in a supportive setting provides a stark contrast to the hypocritical joke that was called “Physical Education.” I’m surprised. I expected a considerably negative response from the pro-bully, “blame the victim” crowd and the pro-Compulsory Sports crowd. I… Read more »
I beg to disagree, Bill. I think that you changed by revealing your story. I am also deeply affected by your comments. It helps us see that we are not alone. We are not delusional. This cruelty happened and it was not our fault. I hope you continue having these types of conversations on forums like this one and in person.
With Gratitude,
Kozo
Thanks for your encouragement!
It’s interesting that this article be written in that it brought a question to mind which relates to my childhood. In the late 60’s, when I was in 7th/8th grade (known now as muddle school) we used the area YMCA for swimming. The guys swam naked. No one, including our parents, questioned it. To this day, it’s had no negative affects. Nonetheless, I’ve wondered why the guys swam naked and girls didn’t. So I did a little research and found nothing except speculations. The one speculation that made most sense was “The rules were made by the previous generations that… Read more »
Lovely reflection, Tom. I do feel that Americans have shamed our bodies over the years. I was surprised to visit bath houses in Japan where everyone from all generations bathe naked with their gender–kids, teenagers, adults, and grandparents. My nephew who is 15 now has been showering with a locked door since he was 5. Where does this need for separation and privacy come from?
With Gratitude,
Kozo
This article is Golden advice.
Thanks, Rob. Wish I would have been able to give it to my 15 year old self. It would have saved me years of shame, fear, and lack of self worth.
With Gratitude,
Kozo
This is wishful thinking. You project on to your 15-year-old self the self-knowledge and confidence you have gained in the interim. That confidence depends in part on discovering that other people are just as scared as you, but maybe not so honest about that fear. It depends on your peers and you all growing up some–you realizing you don’t need to be so worried about being teased/beaten up/generally made miserable, and them realizing that too much of that stuff just comes back to bite them in the ass. Or not realizing that and ending up in jail or at least… Read more »
I love the compassion you feel for the 15 year old self. You are right: I might be asking too much of my 15 year old self. Reflecting on your comments, I realize that the letter is really my 49 year old self talking to my 49 year old self.
With Gratitude,
Kozo
Dear 15 year old self – lobby now for the abolishment of forced communal bathing of children.
Point taken, Troy. Part of me believes that we can’t protect our children from all forms of oppression, but we can arm them with love, compassion, and resilience that will help them overcome these forms of oppression.
With Gratitude,
Kozo
Kozo, you may not realize this; but you’ve touched upon a “hot button” issue that resonates with certain men who have carried deep emotional scars well into their adulthood. When I was forced to take mandatory “sports only” P.E. in junior high, I had to deal with the gym showers problem. To me exposing my nudity to complete strangers was a horrifying experience. I used the showers only twice, having no desire to see any of my classmates in their own nakedness. From then on, I’d simply pour water on my hair to deceive the coach – who paid no… Read more »
Just for the sake of reference, here is a link to the DU topic that I mentioned in my post above:
http://election.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102×1389741
Bill, Thank you for sharing your experience and those of others in this system of oppression that happens behind closed doors. As a prepubescent nerdy Asian kid, I resonate with what you experienced. I saw similar acts of cruelty imparted on my peers and friends. I was once thrown in the mud, but so frightened to shower in the locker room, that I walked around school with dried mud on my legs all day. I am aware of the culture of cruelty that faces boys, especially in the locker room. I would still want my 15 year old self to… Read more »
You’re a good man, Kozo. A very good man.
Thanks, Bill. So are you. So are the boys who tormented us. They just didn’t know any better. I keep telling myself the aphorism “hurt people hurt people.” It helps me have compassion for my oppressors.
{{{hugs}}}} Kozo