Saying whatever you want with the expectation that you’ll be corrected if you say something inappropriate is not a practice to live by.
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By Sarah Khan
Dear Certain Cisgender, Heterosexual, White Men In My Life,
I invite you to become feminist allies instead of continuing to selfishly throw all minorities under the bus in order to protect your fragile little male egos and incorrect sense of self-entitlement. If our interactions are any indication, I suspect that you see me as an overly emotional “feminazi bitch” who takes thingstoo seriously. Let me tell you why you’re utterly wrong (and maybe assholes, too).
You don’t get to decide what offends me.
When one of you decided that it made sense to ask me what my ethnicity was before asking me my name, what I did at the company, or who I was at all, and I told you this question was inappropriate, it is not your place to step in to announce that you don’t think that’s an offensive question. You probably don’t think it’s offensive because as a cisgender, heterosexual, White male you can probably count on one hand how many times someone has decided to cut you down to a skin color and tried to make that your identity without your consent.You probably have never been made to feel uncomfortable when pressured to reveal your ethnic background nor treated differently once you ended up revealing it. You do not get to decide what I, a non-White woman is offended by.
No, I am not overly sensitive about race because I wasn’t born here.
The fact that you think my empathy derives solely from my country of origin is illogical. The fact that you think those born in this country (or countries like it) are more open and less sensitive is White privileged bullshit that claims that western countries are better off than those poor unfortunate countries that aren’t Canada, Britain, or the United States. To hell with that sort of ignorance, please. And to hell with your assumption that to be a socially conscious person you have to be born and/or raised in a non-western country, instead of just being a decent human being who is aware of the different plights of people.
My race, sexual preference, and other “conversation starters” are none of your business.
No, White boy, minority groups are not just waiting to be asked about personal things like their gender, sexual orientation, or country of origin. You are not providing some “safe space,” nor are you showing them that you’re OK with their differences just because you ambush them with inappropriate questions. If they want to talk to you about their personal business, they will talk to you whenthey are ready. You do not get to decide when they should open up about personal things that they may not even have come to terms with themselves. You are not some sort of social justice savior put on this earth to let us hapless minorities find sanctuary in your White privileged “openness.” You are more often than not the problem and you need to start acknowledging this proven fact.
It is not up to others to educate you.
You may think that because you say you love all humankind doesn’t mean you don’t have to watch what you say, and that people will tell you if you’ve said something offensive. That is lazy-ass, selfish bullshit. It is not the sole responsibility of the people around you to fill in all your gaps in knowledge. Saying whatever you want with the expectation that you’ll be corrected if you say something inappropriate is not a practice to live by. It’s especially not appropriate when the Internet and libraries are full of books, articles, movies, and firsthand accounts of things that can hurt people. Educate yourself instead of waiting to be chewed out by a person who has had enough of your White privilege (to which you will likely react by perpetually trying to defend your inappropriateness rather than accepting your error and actually learning from it like you claim to do).
It’s not difficult being a decent human being. Dear cisgender, heterosexual, White men in my life: All it takes is getting your head out of your ass and actually listening to what those who have actually experiences oppression have to say. Until then, I’ll continue to use you as examples of how not to be an asshole.
Sincerely,
A Non-White, Feminist Woman Who’s Had Enough Of Your Shit.
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This story originally appeared on Ravishly.
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“It’s not difficult being a decent human being. Dear cisgender, heterosexual, White men in my life: All it takes is getting your head out of your ass and actually listening to what those who have actually experiences oppression have to say. Until then, I’ll continue to use you as examples of how not to be an asshole.” Wonder if she signed up to selective service too? If you’re a male in the U.S you actually do face one oppression of selective service or face the loss of access to government services, a possible fine and/or jail-sentence too. Wonder if she… Read more »
I travel a lot. When I go somewhere that I am in a minority, for example China, I actually get a lot of questions that are a little bit in this vein. So for example being a size 12…they assumed I was pregnant. Being white with blue eyes, and a woman, everyone in the hotel knew my name and room number! (Not good ). Now this is not the same as being in a society day to day and being a bit different. However. A lot of the questions and comments, bordering on offensive, are just down to a different… Read more »
“When you judge someone you have no time to love them.” –Mother Teresa When you judge someone as an aggregate demographic you have no time to empathize with them; but what’s worse -much worse- is that you’ve now negated their uniqueness, their individuality, and their relative flaws, virtues & exceptions as person. Moreover, you’ve reified and entrenched your own reasons for judging others collectively (as ye would not have yourself be judged). And so then, of course, you don’t have to empathize with them -any of ‘them’- anymore. In fact, it would seem as though by that logic it would… Read more »
“I invite you to become feminist allies…” Well, that’s a hell of an invitation. Let’s see: “Cisgender, hetero white males”: Check. You got ‘em all in there! Way to be specific. Wouldn’t want to think any other kind of person could be a bigoted asshole. It’s cool though, because you put “certain” in front of it. See, not all of them! Totally not bigoted. “Fragile little male egos”: Check. And fragile egos are so much easier to crush, amirite? Strong egos are only threatened by important things, like Being Offended by Offenders. “Sense of self-entitlement”: Check. No one should feel… Read more »
@ hahz,
“……….but I just can’t see how such a decision is defensible.”
Oh…But it is the conversation no one else is having….
Feel better?
It’s like what Bleedin’ Gums Murphy from the Simpsons once said about the blues: “It isn’t about feeling better. It’s about making other people feel WORSE… and maybe making a few bucks while you’re at it.”
Here is a rhetorical question for the whole internet; Why are people who are the first to say “I don’t put up with other people’s s#it!” expect others to put up with THEIR s#it? You seem upset (and understandably so) that people put you in a filing system according to your race and gender, presuming how you would or should think and act. Did you stop and think for one second that others might not like being put into a box labelled “white, cisgender men” either and that calling them “probably assholes” just because someone else called you “feminazi” might… Read more »