What would I say to my dad if I had the chance to tell him how his absence from my life affected me?
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My father has been in and (mostly) out of my life ever since I was a child. I didn’t fall apart. I managed. But I always wondered what it would have been like things were different.
When I was little, I would make Father’s Day cards with paper neckties or “the best dad award” along with my classmates at school even though I knew I wasn’t going to see my dad. Although I was doing just fine without him, I’d always catch myself imagining his presence during important times in my life.
After my first son was born, I thought of what it might be like to see him in his grandpa’s arms.
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I pretended to talk to him when I came home after my first day at a new school in 4th grade. When I was 12 years old, I used to look out my window and hope I’d see him walking toward our apartment whenever I was sad and lonely. When I won academic awards, I would think of the sound of his voice telling me that he was proud. And when I got my driver’s license, I could almost hear his nervous laughter when I imagined him sitting in the front passenger’s seat.
When I got married, I walked down the aisle without my father. After my first son was born, I thought of what it might be like to see him in his grandpa’s arms. My son’s first little league game, first guitar recital, his first wrestling match, and many other firsts made me wonder what my dad would have said and done had he been around.
Like most people who grew up without a father, I turned out OK. My life wasn’t completely ruined by his absence, but every now and then, I sensed the empty space that he could have filled. I always said I didn’t need him, and I was fine without him in my life.
One day, someone asked me what I would say to my dad if I wrote him a letter. I thought this question was easy to answer. I would tell him he missed out. And I’d tell him that I never needed him in the first place. I’d tell him everything is fine in spite of the fact that I haven’t seen him in a long time.
I thought about all the other people I’ve met throughout my life who also didn’t see much of their dads. Would they say the same thing? Would we all write down our anger and bitterness and resentment? Maybe.
Or maybe, from the depth of our hearts it would sound more like this:
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Dear Dad,
I miss you.
It’s hard for me to say it, but it’s true.
Even though I’ve grown up and I’m doing all right, I always felt like something was missing.
And I still do.
I know that everyone makes mistakes. And some mistakes lead you to places you never meant to go. Some mistakes turn you into someone you never wanted to be.
But it’s not too late.
Dear Dad,
I wish things were different.
I wish you came to my baseball games.
I wish you saw my best report card.
I wish you came to my dance recitals.
I wish you would meet my children.
There are so many things I wish I could share with you.
I’ve missed you for a long time.
And we’ve both had plenty of time to feel bad,
and sad,
and guilty.
And we both have a lot of regrets.
But I still miss you.
People say I have your eyes.
That my smile is just like yours.
They say I’m going to be tall because you’re tall.
They say “you look just like your father!”
They say I should forget about you.
Move on. And accept the fact that you are not in my life. They say I should stop thinking about you.
But I don’t want to do that. I can’t do that.
You’re not the perfect dad, but you are my dad.
Dear Dad,
It’s not too late.
We can’t change the past. We can’t go back in time and fix things, or make things the way we think they should have been.
We can’t start over.
But can we start today?
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Video: YouTube/Tina Plantamura Author
Photo: GettyImages
“Like most people who grew up without a father, I turned out OK.”
Most people do not turn out ok, and have women such as this really? There is a chasm in the middle of their heart, and it will always be there, which is why so many of us are fighting to bring father’s back to the family.
This is the least of all problems (though not to be belittled as it is very real). It gets a lot worse from there, a lot worse.
I think it depends on how you’re interpreting “ok”. I was implying that my life isn’t a disastrous irreparable mess. Of course there’s a hole in my heart. If there weren’t, I wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of making this video.
i understand what you’re saying Tina. There’s ‘ok’, and there’s good. i grew up with an absentee father, but he happened to live under the same roof. Choose to spend his life sitting in our kitchen drinking cheap scotch and smoking Winston’s. He dies at 54 of cancer. i can not remember one good memory of just me and him. Not any bad memories either. No memories whatsoever.