On Valentine’s Day, I refuse to believe there is a happily ever after.
A note from the author: On Valentine’s Day, I can’t write a romantic letter or poem to my husband. I refuse to pretend there’s a happily ever after. I won’t mislead anyone who is reading this into believing that romantic, mind-blowing, center-of-my-universe love is the main component of a strong and steady relationship. If I wrote a love letter to him, it would read something like this:
Dear Husband,
If I sat here and tried to list all the things I love about you, I might never finish this letter. My fingers would be bleeding from typing for so long, and I would miss Valentine’s Day all together, because I might need until Christmas to finish. Rather than listing the wonderful things about you that make me love you, I’m going to take a moment to thank you for all the things that you are not, all the things you don’t do, the things you could never be.
Thank you for being genuine, human, flawed, and most importantly, for never even trying to pretend that our life is like living in a dream.
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Doesn’t sound like much of a thank you, does it? Bear with me.
You aren’t my dream come true.
In my dreams, my man would never falter. He would meet all my needs before I knew I what I needed. He’d always know what to do and say and how to take care of everything. On bad days when I’m at my worst or when the kids are getting on my nerves or when everything seems to go wrong, I’d rather have you, because you’re real. You don’t have the all the answers, because no one does. You don’t have infinite patience for when I’m being unreasonable. You don’t love everything I do, because not everything I do is lovable! If you were always dreamy, imagine all the pressure that would put on both of us! Thank you for being genuine, human, flawed, and most importantly, for never even trying to pretend that our life is like living in a dream.
Thank you for never trying to be a “knight in shining armor.”
I love that you know when to don your armor and fight beside me. And I love even more that you know when it’s my job to slay my dragons alone. There are battles in life that we are meant to fight by ourselves, and I’m glad you never rob me of the opportunity to hone my own strength and gain wisdom from a tough battle. If you were my knight, would I know how to fight for myself? Would I feel like I always needed you to rescue me? Would I ever want to be that weak?
I’m glad we settled for each other.
We’ve both heard over and over that you should never settle for anyone. We’ve heard that to have a great relationship, the things that are important to you should be important to your partner, too. Well, I’m glad we settled for each other.
You don’t make me feel like I’m always the center of your world.
When I was a little girl, I thought that “happily ever after” might actually exist, even though I never saw it in real life. I’m glad you don’t try to make me happy every single day.Thank you for being smart enough to know that it’s not your job to make me happy. If I couldn’t find happiness within myself, nothing you do or say could instantly turn me into a happy woman. You’ve spared me from failed attempts at cheering me up or sweeping me off my feet during times when I just need a few minutes to cool down. I’m glad your life isn’t dedicated to making me smile all the damn time because a life of nothing but smiles is not a real life. I’m glad you don’t constantly compliment me/encourage me/inspire me/esteem me and that you don’t make me feel like I’m the center of your world every single day.
Don’t you think we would miss out on some amazing make-up sex if you were so perfect that we never got into a fight? We’d be so good at pretending to be happy that we wouldn’t know what real happiness felt like. I’ll take the life that we have and all of its challenges, victories and struggles over a futile attempt at non-stop happiness any day.
There’s no one else in this sometimes crazy, sometimes dreary, sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly world I’d rather have by my side.
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You’ll never tell me everything I need to hear.
I know that you will almost always be here when I need you, but since you’re not a mind reader, sometimes I will have to ask. Grief, strife, fear and disappointment will make both of us fall short for one another once in awhile. Thank you for always taking care of yourself first. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to care for me during times when I really need you. And even though you’ll never tell me everything I need to hear (again, because you’re not a mind reader), if I look closely enough, I can see your love, appreciation and admiration for me in so many things that you do.
I’m glad you threw the fairy tale away long before you met me. And there’s no one else in this sometimes crazy, sometimes dreary, sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly world I’d rather have by my side. While it’s fun to share our dreams, discuss our fantasies and pretend that little problems don’t exist from time to time, I don’t know if I could enjoy reality with any other person as much as I enjoy it with you.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
♦◊♦
This letter is kind of self-masochistic.
Sorry all, but my ‘jist’ of the article it seems like she says she’s settled for him. A few years ago I ran into a good friend of my sister (A bridesmaid at her wedding). Beautiful woman with an intelligent wit to match, she non the less was so consumed with her carrier and was very successful, but she never married until well into her 40’s (about the time I ran into her) She told me something I will never forget , she got married in her words “Because I guess I finally got tired of coming home to a… Read more »
I guess I’m just afraid of being a ‘Bed Warmer’
I’m glad, I’m happy this works for her (i hope he feels the same way) and as much as I agree with most of what she wrote, I think I think I want more from life and love and as far as I can I want to give more. just my 2 cents.
I want to send this to my girlfriend who is on again off again, eh can’t have it all now can we? I think she will like this.
I don’t hear a message of a woman who settled for second best at all here, J Walter. In fact, the author really, truly gets it. She realizes that the fairy tales were crap but the reality she found works so much better. She acknowledges that they are both fallible, yet wonderful human beings for each other and is appreciative of the relationship she found with her husband. This woman has her own head in the right place. Perhaps some guys need to hear that they are the center of someone’s universe but that would just be setting themselves up… Read more »
This is real.
This is real-istic.
This is life.
Thank you Tina. Love this article.
@Anthony
Right? I mean, talk about a valiant and realistic love letter.
I hope that letter was given to the man it was written for. It’s the most perfect thing I’ve read in years, and I’m not ashamed to admit I had tears streaming down my face as I read it.
Dear wife,
I really wanted to marry your cute friend but I settled for you. I am happy but sometimes think about her.
That is if you flip the script.
“I’m glad you threw the fairy tale away long before you met me. And there’s no one else in this sometimes crazy, sometimes dreary, sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly world I’d rather have by my side.”
I believe he is her first choice, and judging from this amazing letter, that she chose wisely.
In fact, I may steal it for my wife…and finally beat her card to me!
I disagree. The way I read it the female has settled and is making the best of the situation.
I know this author. I am the editor of the piece. You misread the entire article. Completely. It’s too bad, because in my opinion, it is a wonderful example of how we can start looking at relationships more realistically instead of expecting them to solve our problems, fulfill fantasies. This, I believe is why the divorce rate is so high. Relationships are hard work and compromise and no on is PERFECT for anyone. She’s head over heels with her husband. She did not settle.
I was the man she settled for. I loved her with my whole heart and soul. She on the other hand thought I was a good provider and stable and her clock was ticking. While I was paying the bills she was “with” the bad boy she really wanted but didn’t make 150K a year and have an inheritance.
Fortunately, I had a better lawyer than she did.
Am I bitter that a female settled for me. Damn Straight.
Seems my reply didn’t get past the moderator. You win.
Sorry, I can’t imagine being with a female if I’m not her first choice.
Id rather be single that being someone’s consolidation prize. I would be so hurt.
The minute she meets someone better she’ll divorce me.
How could a female be so cruel.
J Walter, you missed the point! This is about not living in fantasy land. No one is the person of anyone’s “dreams” but someone can be your love, your life partner, your companion. That is what the author is saying. In our culture, we grow up, men and women fed a fantasy that relationships are going to be perfect and happily ever after. And they just are not. Some end in divorce, some people stay together, but those that are happy and stay together still face hardship, compromise, personality differences, it’s not all smooth sailing every single day. That is… Read more »
I got it Jenny, even if others haven’t. In this instant gratification culture, we treat potential partners as accessories with a list of “must haves” that we think will make our lives perfect.
Thank you for realising that men are human with all the flaws that entails.
Jenny,
The point is that 99% of any woman receiving a letter titled “Dear wife, you are not the woman of my Dreams” would stop reading right in that instant, and no amount of Valentine roses or Diamond rings would ever negotiate that man’s way back in through the front door!
But as men, we are expected to stand at attention and be exhilirated at any woman’s acknowledgement that we are just about good enough for her.
How’s that?
Good point!