Dear Jane,
Please don’t believe for a moment that I haven’t thought about it.
I have closed my eyes on so many occasions and seen us together at all my favorite places; romantic dinners at my favorite restaurants, hanging out enjoying beers at the local brewery, staying home cuddled up on the couch watching our favorite movies, going on romantic tropical getaways together, and even taking family vacations at Disney World. I have seen visions of coming home to you every day and sleeping beside you every night. I have imagined evenings we were making tender love with each other or just having good naughty sex.
I have seen all these things, yet when I finally open my eyes, I know this is all just a fantasy because I know you and I can’t be together, at least not like this.
If my marriage was over and I was in the process of filing for divorce that would be one thing, but that’s not the case.
My wife still loves me. She is trying, in her own small little ways she is trying to express that love, but my attention has been elsewhere and now I feel as though have been neglecting her.
You and I have been living out this amazingly wonderful fantasy life that we’ve made for ourselves. The problem is, I still love my wife. I still want things between us to get better. I want to enjoy a good sex life with her again, one where she wants to be with me and just enjoys the pleasure of sex and intimacy with me again.
At the very least, I need to give this one more try, and I can’t do that once you and I have spent the night together.
I know that we have discussed this, and you have said over and over again that this really doesn’t need to mean the end of my marriage, but for me it really does. For me to be with you, truly be with you, means that I will be committing the ultimate betrayal of my wife by breaking my marriage vows and being with you also means that I both see and want a future with you therefore marking the end of my marriage.
This is not easy. I’ve heard the siren song and it’s drawing me each and every day closer to you, but the closer I move to you the further away I move from my wife making it a much harder and more difficult task to try and repair my marriage.
You have been that loving escape for me each and every day, that person I turn to when I need to just be happy. You have been my refuge when my marriage has gotten stormy. I came to you for friendship but found love instead.
I can’t possibly face my problems with my wife nor hope to fix them if I always have you waiting for me right there on the other end of the line, a “sure thing” just 90 minutes away.
I can’t believe that I am doing this but in the best interest of my family and my marriage, I need to take a step back.
I need to do the one thing I never wanted to do when this all started, I need to break your heart and mine.
In my idealistic view of the world we could still be the best of friends, but I know the world doesn’t work that way, and that at this point we have gone way past a friendship. We have already shared a level of intimacy together that may make turning back to something less an impossibility.
I knew when this all started that I would be forced to make a choice and right now I need to choose my wife and my family, at least I need to try to see if there is a chance for things to get better.
I have no real expectations as to what is going to happen between my wife and I going forward. Now it’s me with high hopes but low expectations.
If our sex-life remains the same then I’ll be forced to make another choice down the road, but at least then I’d be choosing to end our relationship not over the dishonor of an affair but over a need that is not being met in our relationship and I can live with that.
Maybe if it ended that way, I’d have the opportunity to introduce someone new into my life, someone that could be openly accepted by my children, by my family. Maybe under those circumstances you and I would have a shot at something real.
I also know that you can’t sit around waiting for me, for something that may never happen. You have your own wants and needs, and you should be out there looking for someone that you can truly be in a loving relationship with. Someone that can give you the fairy tale that you so richly deserve.
Right now, that can’t be me.
I’m going to miss you more than I can ever put into words.
You have been in my life for the past 70 days, that’s over two months of constant talking and chatting and yes even falling in love.
I do love you Jane, there is no denying that right now.
I was in a bad place a few months ago and you lifted me out of that darkness and made me feel alive again. You made me want to be romantic again. You made me realize that I didn’t have to put up with the status quo, that I deserved something better than the hand I had been given.
You made me feel like I was handsome, sexy, desirable, even HOT as you so generously like to put it.
You have given me the strength to stand up for what I want and need in my life and not be afraid to come out and ask for it.
For that and so many other things I thank you and will always be grateful.
But now I have to do the right thing for me and my family. I need to consider everyone’s best interests not simply my own.
I need to be able to look my wife and my daughters in the eyes and not feel ashamed of my behavior. I need them to look me in the eyes and see the husband, the father, the man that they have come to respect and admire for all these years. They are my life; they are my reality. It’s time that I go back to that life and try my hardest to make it better, they deserve at least that much from me.
Unfortunately, now it turns out the hardest thing is saying goodbye to you. How does one say goodbye to a person they love?
I will never ever forget you and please believe me when I say I will always love you.
I’m sure for as long as I live I will always be wondering what if, but I will not look back on this time with tears of sadness, but rather tears of joy for having had the opportunity to get to know you and even for allowing myself to fall in love again. You are such an amazing woman, such an amazing person. I don’t want to release you from my arms, but life is messy and sometimes when you love someone you need to love them enough to let them go.
I love you…
Goodbye Jane
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Disclaimer — this article was written over 6 months ago at a time when the emotional affair that I had found myself in started to turn more serious and a physical affair had become imminent. I wanted to share this now as a way to highlight just how complex the emotions can be when someone finds themselves in this situation. At the time I had written this I knew I had reached a “point of no return” and thought that I/we needed to walk away. I couldn’t do it. I simply couldn’t bear the thought of losing this amazing person from my life, not yet, maybe not ever. As sexy as this relationship had become, it wasn’t about the sex. It was about this amazing bond of friendship that we had formed, one that was special and unique and unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. How do you walk away from that? This isn’t a situation you can simply just say goodbye, wake up the next morning and get on with your life as if nothing had happened.
As of today, I am still in this relationship, the feelings of friendship and love are stronger then ever and I am left wondering if I’m still going to end up right back here in this same place, over and over again asking myself the same questions and faced with the same reality, one of my relationships needs to end. Hopefully, I’ll find the strength and courage to make the right decision — even if it’s going to break my heart because sometimes you really do need to love someone enough to let them go.
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Previously Published on Medium
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