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Whether it is an elderly parent, a young child, or a pet, being a primary caregiver is an important job. Part of your job as a caregiver is to provide compassion and support to those in your care. When the person you care for makes a mistake or does something you did not want them to do, you do not yell at them, call them stupid, or tell them how useless they are. Instead, you show them tenderness and understanding.
While we may have other other people in our lives who love and care for us, we are each our own primary caregivers. Too often, however, we respond to our mistakes and missteps not with the compassion we need, but with self-hate and loathing. What we would never say to a friend or loved one, we all-too-easily say to ourselves. What we would never allow someone to do to us, we readily do to ourselves.
In short, we are often bad caregivers to ourselves. The mindful practice of loving-kindness allows us to develop the self-compassion we need to forgive and comfort ourselves in times of need.
Loving-kindness
In difficult times, we need to show ourselves compassion, but that is not easy for many us to do. Due to a variety of biological and social factors, this can be especially difficult for men. Some of us have been shown so little compassion in our lives that we do not know how to show it to ourselves.
Others of us think our faults are our weaknesses, and we cannot forgive what makes us weak. We may feel we deserve what we are going through, or that our punishment should be even more severe. The irony, of course, is we pet our animals during thunderstorms, hug our children when they are sick, and forgive those close to us when they have wronged us.
In order to show ourselves the self-compassion we need, deserve, and are entitled to, we need to relate to ourselves, to our actions, and to the events in our lives in a different way. Mindfulness allows us to do this, particularly the practice of loving-kindness.
I wrote about mindfulness, its benefits, and how to practice it here. Mindfulness is the purposeful, non-judgmental awareness of what you are experiencing in the present moment. Its benefits include being present, greater self-awareness and self-management, and mental replenishment. Being mindful means being aware of when our thoughts have wandered, and bringing them back to the present moment using our breath.
The breath is central in mindfulness. It acts as the mind’s anchor to the present moment. Loving-kindness is a type of mindfulness practice in which we become aware of our suffering and bring our attention not to our breath, but to developing self-compassion.
Loving-kindness is not positive thinking. (Everything is fine.) Nor does it consist of affirmations that try to fool us into thinking a particular way. (I am fine.) The practice of loving-kindness allows us to give compassion to ourselves when we suffer, feel pain, or are experiencing one of life’s downtimes.
Loving-kindness consists of four parts:
The first is recognizing that we are suffering. This might seem like an odd place to start. Don’t we always know when we are in pain? Sadly, we do not. Our bodies, minds, and spirits can be very resilient. They can adjust over and over again to what comes their way. Too often, we accommodate pain and learn to live with it. This is not healthy no matter if the pain is physical or emotional.
The second part is the recognition that suffering is part of life. Everyone suffers. From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, we all experience challenging times that test our patience, determination, and capacity to carry on. Recognizing that we are not alone in this suffering is beneficial to us as we cope and move forward. One of the biggest risk factors for suicide is not the amount of pain a person is in, but their degree of alienation and separation from others who are experiencing the same pain.
The third part of loving-kindness is the desire to be kind to ourselves. We might think we deserve to suffer, to live in pain, but we do not. No person deserves to live that way. Everyone deserves self-kindness. This is a big step along our journey to self-compassion.
The fourth part of loving-kindness is a want to give the compassion and kindness to ourselves that we need when we are suffering. This final part might be the most difficult. Sadly, we have to work very hard to get to the point where we want to alleviate our own suffering through self-love and kindness.
Practicing loving-kindness
In order to benefit from loving-kindness, to use it when we need it, we must practice when we do not need it. Practicing in times of calm and blessings allows us to function mindfully in times of sorrow and pain.
When you first start to practice loving-kindness you may feel more irritated than normal. That is common. Your whole way of thinking and living is being challenged and upended. Stick with the practice, and after a few weeks, you should start to experience its benefits. You will begin to feel a lessening of negative self-perceptions, and a softening of uncompassionate attitudes toward yourself.
Loving-kindness is a type of mindfulness practice, so you want to approach it the same way you would any other other mindfulness practice, like meditation.
- Practice in a quiet spot, free from distractions
- Find a comfortable position, sitting in a chair or on the floor
- Close your eyes or keep them open, whatever is most comfortable
- Begin taking belly breaths, and on each out-breath, silently or quietly say to yourself the first loving kindness phrase. Move to the second, third, and fourth phrase with each successive breath and then repeat.
May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease.
Start with a five-minute-a-day practice and work your way up to 20 minutes a day. When you first start your practice, give loving-kindness to yourself. If this proves too difficult to do—to give loving kindness to yourself—then start by giving it to someone you love and care for greatly: a family member or friend. You can even start by giving loving kindness to your pet.
May King Albert be safe.
May King Albert be happy.
May King Albert be healthy.
May King Albert live with ease.
Gradually start to include yourself.
May King Albert and I be safe.
May King Albert and I be happy.
May King Albert and I be healthy.
May King Albert and I live with ease.
When you are ready, start giving loving-kindness to yourself.
As you move along in your practice and become stronger, you can expand your loving-kindness practice to include other people. You can start with your significant other, child, or other family member. You can then try giving loving-kindness to someone you dislike: a cranky co-worker, noisy neighbor, or that person who broke your heart way back when. Finally, you can start to include the entire world in your practice.
May I and all beings be safe.
May I and all beings be happy.
May I and all beings be healthy.
May I and all beings live with ease.
You can also practice loving-kindness as a walking meditation. You can even include people you pass as you are walking.
Right foot: May I be safe; Left foot.
Right foot: May I be happy; Left foot.
Right foot: May I be healthy; Left foot.
Right foot: May I live with ease; Left foot.
But you must start with you. Practice giving loving-kindness to yourself. Make sure your needs are being met, and you are ready to move on before including other people. For some of us, that might take a few months or a few years.
For others of us, we may never be ready to move on to other people because our suffering is too great. That is completely fine. You are not being selfish, simply taking care of yourself. You must do that before you can take care of others, and by practicing loving-kindness we become more compassionate and sympathetic to all creatures, not just ourselves.
Loving-kindness is not about “fixing” the things that are “wrong” with us. We do not judge what we are feeling or try to improve who we are. We are all made up of both the dark and the light. We need to embrace who and what we are, all of it.
May I accept myself just as I am.
Loving-kindness is also not about feeling better about ourselves. We give loving-kindness to ourselves because we suffer, not to feel better. Letting go of pain and suffering can be very hard. Instead of trying to let it go, just let it be. Some events loom so large in our lives that we will never be able to let them go, but we can let them be by not feeding the thoughts of them when they arise.
We do not need to relive our pain and suffering every day. Whatever has happened to us, whatever we did or did not do in the past, should only be viewed as it is in the present moment.
Everything changes, evolves, or simply vanishes. Why hold onto the past, when it no longer exists in the present as it did in the past?
Just as all beings wish to be happy and free from suffering,
may I be happy and free from suffering.
Mindfulness allows us to be more present and live in the moment more fully. Mindfulness and the practice of meditation are simple reminders that we are dignified and worthy of the dignity of others, and most importantly, ourselves.
We should not, and will not, let anyone—especially ourselves, undercut, question, or damage our dignity. Loving-kindness allows us to increase our self-compassion so that we can give ourselves compassion when we need it. By practicing loving-kindness, we relate to ourselves differently. Eventually, in a moment of pain or disappointment, instead of getting angry at or degrading ourselves, we can say to ourselves, “You are okay. I love you,” and really, truly mean it.
Resources
- “The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion” by Chris Germer
- “Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook for Self-Compassion Practitioners” by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer
- “Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff
- Chris Germer’s website, chrisgermer.com, featuring guided meditations
- Kristin Neff’s website, self-compassion.org, featuring guided meditations and a self-assessment
- Many meditation apps, like Insight Timer, include guided loving kindness meditations
- How to Meditate: Links for Guided Meditation Practice includes loving kindness meditations
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