Last year a friend let me know about a New Jersey-based indie filmmaker, actress and dancer named Gabi Faye who was creating a movie that had the working title of #metoo, in recognition of the countless people who were survivors of sexual harassment or sexual assault. She thought I would want to be involved in some way since I had written an article for one of the sites on which I have a regular column about the movement. It was called #metoo….you too?
After it was published, another memory came to the fore. I was in my early 20s and living alone in an apartment. My hair was down to my waist at the time. I had mostly felt safe as a single woman and blessedly had not had been assaulted as many I have known throughout my life. That was until I received a voice mail message and note on my windshield from a neighbor I had not met. He told me that he wanted to wrap my long hair around his naked body. My first thought was that he had been stalking me since he knew which car was mine and somehow he knew my name and got my phone number. I immediately called the police and reported it, turning both the note and the mini tape over to them. I then contacted a male friend who walked across the street with me and we knocked on his door. He seemed surprised to see me. I told him what I had done and that if he didn’t refrain from contact and if the threat of the police involvement wasn’t sufficient, I would tell his wife. He went pale and stammered his response. I felt both vindicated and slimed that it happened in the first place. I also minimized it since once again, it could have been worse.
When I contacted Gabi, I told her my story and she invited me to become part of the film. I also shared that as a therapist who works with trauma survivors, I would be available should anyone else involved in the movie need to process. She had wisely brought another therapist on board at the onset, so I was back up.
The summer day dawned and we were invited to meet at the location in Bucks County, PA. It was oppressively hot earlier on and we piled on and off a bus, sweating and dusty. It was my first venture into being on a movie set and I was amazed at how much time it took to shoot what is a short film. Gabi and her crew were patient and professional, sensitive to the needs of the cast since they knew that emotions would likely be running high. They made sure we were well hydrated and nourished.
The sadly familiar to many storylines involves the rape of a young woman named Anya (Jacinth Headlam) by her Uncle Ned (Doug Willen) while she is in a pool. In the aftermath, she flees and is picked up on a country back road by a bus driver portrayed by Leslie Bean, that was filled with women whose mouths were covered with black tape. I was one of those women.
As the bus bumps down the roads to an unknown destination, we look at each other knowingly but don’t say a word, since we are silenced by shame and fear. We share a common bond but can’t yet voice it. We are uplifted by each other’s presence. Our driver notes that there is a mechanical problem with the bus and she needs to pull over. A Kind Man (yes, that is the role played by Dave Phillips) asks if the women need help repairing it. While we are asked to leave the bus, we stand in a circle and one by one take off the tape and declare, “Me too,” as we each tell our stories. Bearing witness, many of us cried. I was deeply moved by the vulnerability shared and the strength it took to say the words that made it real.
I had the honor of interviewing Gabi about the journey she took from survivor to thriver.
What inspired this film?
A teacher at my high school was recently accused of molesting little boys, and the school’s headmaster tried to cover it up rather than protect the children. When I learned of this, the emotional reaction it created in me was utter rage, disgust, and extreme hurt. When I thought about why I reacted so strongly to this news, I discovered two reasons: First, I work with children, adore them and cherish their wellbeing, and anyone who thinks differently or sides with someone who commits heinous acts against children or other human beings perturbs me. Next, I myself had a disturbing experience by a male teacher at the same high school when I was a student. I chose to say nothing because I was bullied, and didn’t want more attention drawn to myself, which was a lot of the reason I had a distrust for the staff there- and this occurrence confirmed those feelings as truth. I agonized over how to handle my feelings about this and other sexual abuse experiences that were reignited by this situation- and creating a film not only allowed me to express how I felt in a way that makes sense to me, but also gave other survivors the opportunity to speak their truths and bond with others who’d gone through similar experiences. It is my hope that the film inspires other people who have been abused to seek help and justice, find support and speak up. Talking about these experiences and shedding light on them encourages society to call out bad behavior. When we speak out, there is a better chance that abusers face consequences rather than survivors silently suffering.
How did the #metoo movement play into the creation of the movie?
I am certainly inspired by the #me too movement, which has given voice and power to women in masses. It is horrifying to think how much abuse went on behind closed doors, that the public never knew about, and men in Hollywood got away with so much. Holding people accountable for their actions is monumental. If people know there are consequences they will think twice about their behavior- and if they choose to behave poorly anyway- its no longer accepted! I am proud of the progress we have made- but I know there is much more progress to be had. I feel a responsibility to keep pushing forward and hopefully inspiring others to keep raising the bar.
You changed the name of the film to Dirty Girl. What contributed to it?
I was very blessed that during the developmental phase of the film, someone recommended I reach out to a gardening company called “Dirty Girl Gardening” and that the company owner, Leslie Bean was very receptive to my idea of this film. She was patient and flexible, and pretty much up for anything. Truly she was a godsend. We used her company bus prominently in the film, and her logo Dirty Girl was featured in some of our shots. Leslie actually also plays the bus driver in the film – (and was a complete natural!) My gaffer gave me the idea to visually depict women being forced into silence, (with tape over their mouths). This helped me think more deeply about how women are treated after experiencing sexual assault. I believe that assault victims are branded following an assault- often it is said that a woman “brought it on” “was asking for it” or “knew the person, so it’s not viewed as assault”. This type of language and blame in our society is completely backward- but I wanted to draw attention to it. Calling the film ‘Dirty Girl’, essentially branding the woman who face clear assault in the film, will turn heads, and make people ask questions. It takes the accepted narrative of victim blaming, and forces society to take a long hard look at how victim blaming has been accepted and normalized. After people view the film- It is my goal to start a conversation about these topics, and I feel the title change helps contribute to that.
What was it like for you as a filmmaker to step back and view the production from a professional perspective when it is deeply personal?
My brain went on autopilot – all of the emotions that were triggered by this incident fueled this story out of me. I was so hyper-focused. This is actually the first time I’ve written a script, or directed but I knew because it was so deeply personal that it had to all come from me. The story evolved many times, and I spoke to a few trusted family members and friends who helped inspire other points of view and ideas. I also interviewed other survivors, and talked with my crew about my vision- they really helped me bring it to complete fruition with their experiences and thoughts. There were also other creative pieces that I knew had to be included as well- and this changed the story as well. A friend of mine is a songwriter, and I reached out asking if she’d written anything about assault and she ironically was working on a song because she had a recent assault experience. The song inspired one of our locations. It was like I separated myself from being a survivor and tried to take all other survivors’ experiences who I knew- wrap them up and include them all in one powerful project.
How have you changed as a result of going through the process?
I have been so positively affected by doing this project. It was really the people involved who made it so incredibly special. They made me realize how for all the awful and disgusting people in this world, there are so many more people filled with kindness and compassion. The way that so many people came together and collaborated willingly and cheerfully to pull this off deeply touched me. Most of the people involved in Dirty Girl were strangers before the production, and now I keep up with them all, we continue to help each other in different ways and they know we have found solace and friendship in one another. I would have never crossed paths with some of the most wonderful human beings, and because of this project, I was granted that opportunity.
Were there pivotal moments you experienced during the production?
The most beautiful part of this production, was when all of the survivors stood together in a circle holding hands and shared their experiences. Some of these women have buried their assaults and chosen not to speak about them in years. They were so brave to speak candidly and honestly about very painful and difficult experiences not only in front of one another but in front of the camera, knowing that the film will be seen by many people. The first time the women shared their stories, I was so taken aback to hear what other people have gone through – I, for a moment lost myself and forgot where we were or what I was doing, I was so mesmerized by listening to them and seeing their strength overcome the struggle of reliving these stories. A rainbow appeared in the sky over these women after they shared their stories and embraced- it was the most moving and monumental experience I’ve had in a very long time. I was completely in awe, and I will always remember and cherish the fact that one of the women came up to me and said this experience has been like a retreat and she and others felt a sense of relief, and comfort in having had this shared experience together. It was an incredibly special moment to know I had created an experience that helped someone feel this way- like I was a part of their healing process.
If the film can meet your vision, what would the outcome be?
There is a saying I love that goes “Be happy with what you have, be excited about what you want.” I am so thrilled that I have taken a vision and turned it (with the help of a village) into a reality. The feeling of immense pride and excitement over watching on screen something that was once merely an idea in my head is incredibly fulfilling. Knowing that the people involved had a positive experience and found some peace coming together and being apart of this fills me with immense happiness. Anyone who supported the film whether by making a financial contribution, sponsoring a meal, allowing us to use their property and personal space, helping with logistics, I would say I’m so thrilled already by this outcome. Last week, one of my dreams came true and the film was advertised on two billboards in Times Square and will be premiering on Saturday, March 16 at Teaneck Cinemas. So I would say I am already so pleased with everything that I and the film have accomplished. As for what I am excited about, I hope to have a fulfilling festival run, meet new people while doing it, and to share the project with others. I hope the film inspires and creates conversation, and I would love for it to get a distribution deal, so it can be viewed all around the world and affect as many people as possible. And just putting this out into the universe- I would certainly be thrilled for the film to pick up some awards along its journey! Another hope I have is to do private screenings for women, college students, and assault survivors, and have conversations following, that will help heal those who’ve suffered or inspire new ways of thinking and approaching the topic of sexual assault.
Jacinth Headlam who played Anya in our film just published a book called “Love After” which highlights some of her lowest points including suffering molestation and sexual abuse. She details how to find “love after” such disheartening experiences. She is a very inspiring and incredibly gifted actress. I know she related so personally to the role. I am so thrilled for her, I just purchased her book and it’s available through her website and on Amazon.
To learn more about Gabi Faye & her production company or to stay updated on Dirty Girl’s journey visit her Facebook page.
Photo credit, poster, used by permission: Thomas J. Bellezza
Photo credit, the photo of Leslie Bean, used by permission: Zhen Qin
