There was a girl in college that I was just crazy about, and whenever I would see her, I’d get the weirdest feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t quite figure out what kind of psychological hold she had on me, but there was just something about her that made me weak in the knees.
It was not puppy love or infatuation but some kind of primal connection between us that I couldn’t put my finger on.
At the time, I believed she was everything I’d been looking for in my life. And because I’d not felt this way about anyone else before, I figured it must be a sign from God, cupid, the universe, or my soul telling me,
“This is the one!…This is the girl you’ve been looking for all your life.”
Was I lovesick?
You betcha I was.
But I didn’t tell anyone — not even to the object of my affection — about my feelings.
A large group of us would regularly hang out at a local pub near the campus in North Carolina. We’d eat burgers, drink craft beers, listen to great music, and laugh a lot.
She and I were always friendly.
We had this type of back and forth banter and volley of words that only she and I seemed to get. There was a sort of intellectual intercourse going on, which only confirmed my belief that we should be together.
Although I was smitten with her, I never put any pressure on her or made her feel uncomfortable. But she knew I was in love with her. And during a few weak and tipsy moments, I almost told her as much.
Everyone thought we’d make a great couple, except there was one big problem: she was already in a serious relationship with a guy she’d been with since high school.
I believe it’s possible to love two different people in your life for two entirely different reasons.
Her relationship with her boyfriend was a familiar and comfortable type of love. Their lives and that of their families were intertwined. And there was an expectation they’d get engaged soon, but he was dragging his feet.
And then there was the mutual, but unanticipated attraction we had for each other. We had an immediate connection that felt fresh, exciting, and inspiring.
But I realized I had much less equity in the relationship.
And if she were to ever be with me, it would’ve caused all kinds of problems for her.
In Another Life
One day over lunch, she and I talked about our relationship — if you could call it that. She acknowledged to me the connection we had, and she said that in another life, we might have been famous lovers.
But it couldn’t happen in her current situation because of her existing relationship with her boyfriend. I understood her obligation to see where this relationship went since they’d been together so long.
She owed him and herself that much.
And I knew I needed to bow out.
But the problem for me was that I didn’t know what to do with the ocean of intense feelings I had for her. It was not something I could turn off like a faucet valve. The hidden levers that poured the alchemy of love, psychology, and primal connection through my body were beyond my conscious reach.
I wished I could’ve turned off these feelings for her because the glimmer of hope for us was wrecking my life.
I found myself thinking about her all the time, and I prayed to God daily for some kind miracle to happen.
But it was not to be.
Although she and I would remain good friends, we would not become an item, a couple, or lovers. This reality twisted me up in knots for a while but then I had an epiphany.
. . .
Love Doesn’t Have To Come Back
I decided to take a week-long trip up to the Blue Ridge Mountains in Western North Carolina to think about what’s next for my life — without her in my life and head.
It was time I moved on, but I had no clue how to do that.
As I hiked through the trails of the mountains, I thought about how the path I was on was a one-way loop along the mountain edge and through the canyons. Anyone who walked that 6-mile trail started from the check-in point and walked in a counter-clockwise manner around a pathway that allowed you to take in the breathtaking views of the mountains, waterfalls, and forest.
Although you couldn’t take the mountains, rocks, or any of those views back home with you, you could appreciate them all you wanted to from afar.
This insight made me think about relationships.
There’s this tendency for people to assume that love has to be a two-way street for it to be called “love.” The assumption is: “If I give you my love, I need you to give me love back for me to feel ok,” like a fair exchange of goods.“And if you don’t give me love back, I can’t be at peace.”
But the more I thought about my old belief that love has to be a two-way street, the more I realized this way of thinking wasn’t really “love,” as much as it was my insecurities talking. My need for love to come back to me was based more on my lack of confidence in myself and my low self-esteem.
Sometimes what we call love is this belief that someone else will make us feel worthy, complete, repaired, and set for life, but we know it never works out that way.
That kind of love is not healthy.
The Mountain That Doesn’t Love Me
As I sat on a giant cliff overlooking the vastness of Blue Ridge mountains, I realized that I could appreciate the beauty of that mountain with incredible joy, calmness, and peace.
But I didn’t need that mountain to love me back.
My one-way directional love and appreciation for that mountain were sufficient, fulfilling, and restorative for me. I didn’t need or want anything else from the mountain, other than to maybe come back and see it again.
Well, the same goes for people.
My love and appreciation for this particular girl were sufficient, fulfilling, and restorative for me. I could send her love. But she didn’t have to reciprocate love back to me for me to be ok. My love for her was pure and was not dependent on her loving me back.
A Secure Love
Despite what pop culture, love songs, and Hallmark cards conspire to tell us, the way two people decide to love each other doesn’t have to be in synch, equal, or mutually tied together.
If both parties happen to love each other at the same time, great! But if not, it’s still ok for one person to love the other.
In the world of nature hiking, the admirer should not disturb the beauty of the environment, interrupt its growth, or mess with its ecology. Instead, the admirer should be content just to observe, witness, and enjoy this beauty from a distance, which is what I decided to do with the girl I loved.
And this realization that I didn’t require her to love me back gave me a sense of calm and peace, if not strength.
After I came back from my mountain trip, the girl and I ran into each other downtown. We talked for a bit, and she said I seemed different. I didn’t tell her about my epiphanies, but I no longer felt this need, desperation, or sense of urgency for her to love me back. It didn’t matter anymore.
I was secure and pleased to send out my one-way love to her by itself. And I felt free to enjoy my awe and love for her from afar in an undisturbed, non-intrusive way.
Time To Move On
As our young lives progressed and evolved, we both got busy in our careers. I eventually moved on with my life to open an office in a different city on the other side of the country. When she found out I was moving, she called to tell me she couldn’t believe I was leaving.
But it was time.
I let her be with her boyfriend. And I decided to stop interrupting the ecology of that relationship. I was content to observe and enjoy my love for her from afar with a calm, Zen-like feeling.
And then something unexpected happened to me.
Love Awaits
Like stumbling upon the world’s most beautiful waterfall, I ended up meeting a lady from New Zealand in an airport baggage claim area. We hit it off instantly and had a natural two-way kind of love. And I had no doubt she was my soul mate because I didn’t think or care about my past loves.
All that mattered now was my future with her.
We’ve been married six years and are now the proud parents of a beautiful 2-year-old daughter. (For more on this baggage claim story, you can read this story here.)
But even though we have a two-way love, I spend a lot of my time just observing my wife from afar. And I find it incredibly gratifying to know my love and awe for her is not dependent on her love for me.
It stands on its own.
Peace Of Mind
If you find yourself in love with someone that isn’t reciprocating, I encourage you not to make your feelings dependent on getting the love back from them, as I did previously. Just try loving them the way you would love a beautiful, awe-inspiring mountain. If you can practice loving this way, it will bring you much greater joy, peace, and fulfillment than you could ever imagine.
It will also help you learn to think about love, not as something dependent on reciprocation, but as something you can give out freely—with no expectations or need for a response.
PS: What Are The Chances?
I didn’t think I’d ever see the girl from college again. But amazingly, I ran into her not too long ago in the Los Angeles airport. She just happened to be standing in the TSA line with her former boyfriend, now husband, and their three kids.
The odds of us running into each other across the country in that line on that particular day and time is mindboggling to calculate.
But there we were.
We chatted for a moment, as our eyes and hearts searched around for that previous connection, but it wasn’t there anymore. And then it was time to say our goodbyes.
She asked me to give her a call sometime, and she even left a voicemail for me a few days later. How she got my number, I don’t know. But I never did call her back, and I never saw her again.
I’ve found my glorious mountaintop view in both my wife and daughter. And I’m pleased with how life turned out, even though you couldn’t have told me that back when I was in the grip of an unreciprocating love affair.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash