I share these stories to heal my own soul. But I also believe readers can get something out of it as well.
This week, we’re going to talk about the single biggest mistake of my dating life.
The mistake… Amanda.
I’m sharing this because I need to keep another, even bigger, mistake from happening in my dating life.
I feel it brewing, man. It’s bubbling…
Boiling over…
I preach to my clients all the time – get present to what stops you in life when you want to create something big.
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And yes, I’m using Amanda’s real name. And I know I she could possibly read this.
I don’t blame her for what went down between us. I’ve also forgiven myself for how things went between us.
But shame exists in a vacuum. And I need shame in this part of my life like I need another hole in my head.
Let’s flash back to early in 2008. I was working for a call center that almost killed my soul. I hadn’t written a word of my first book. I even had to move back in with my parents by that point. That was because I had been unemployed for better than two years before I went to work for the call center.
This was also maybe the deepest depression I ever experienced.
It wasn’t a good time in my life…y’know, to say the least.
Flashing back to early in 2006. I was getting my gym bag out of my car when this tall, elegant, and drop-dead gorgeous woman walked by.
I’d seen her many times. I mean, you can’t miss a woman like this! Presence for days.
And, y’know, legs for days as well.
“You’re slimming down.” She said to me.
Holy crap, she spoke! TO ME!?
How did this happen?
I couldn’t see myself in the same sport, to say nothing of the same league, as this woman. Looks, education, success – everything-wise.
I finally got the nerve to talk to her again a couple days later. And we became friends.
This was Amanda.
She was an entrepreneur. She was in a relationship when we met. Long distance relationship, but a relationship nonetheless.
And I knew I couldn’t compete with that.
I mean, I know I could NOW. But this was a long time ago.
Our friendship grew closer over the years. We were rarely hanging out buddies. But we did meet up with mutual friends on occasion.
My friends could certainly pick up on the… tension between Amanda and me.
Back to early 2008. I saw online that a jazz festival was going to be presented by one of the Atlanta universities. And one of their headline acts was the now late sax man James Moody.
Now, Amanda and I have similar tastes in music. We both really dig jazz.
Perhaps I should pull back? I dig jazz. She liked Kenny G…and others.
Admittedly, I had a Kenny G CD back in the day. Way back…
But this was before my ears and my soul met guys like Najee, Branford Marsalis, and the iconic Wayne Shorter.
That’s how a soprano sax is supposed to sound!
Kenny G is perhaps the final remaining incompletion I have around Amanda.
(If my coach is reading this – before our next call. #jeez)
I found Amanda at the gym one evening. And I asked her if she’d be interested.
Flashing back on it, her interest was lukewarm at best. But I was convinced she was all in.
She chose to go skiing with friends instead.
She chose to do something different. She chose to go with other friends. That’s all that happened.
I made this mean that she was disgusted by me. I made this mean that she was bored with me. And I made this mean that I would never find the love I so desperately crave!
Did she mean anything by that? I don’t know! But it doesn’t matter.
I share this because I feel something similar brewing in my life lately. And it’s scaring the holy, living hell out of me.
I’ve shared before in this space about the woman I call “Potential.” She’s absolutely one of my favorite human beings on the planet. Regardless of what happens between us, she’s one of my best friends and I want to keep that.
She’s a good deal younger than Amanda. She and I have similar musical tastes – though I think Potential’s tastes are a little more into the soul and blues arena along with mine. She’s got a killer sense of humor. She’s also an entrepreneur.
To say nothing of being drop dead gorgeous with presence for days.
And…y’know…other things…
But old wounds still fester.
This past weekend was the first time I’d spent any time with her in person in over a year. We met for lunch with a mutual friend and her boyfriend.
Keep this in mind, I have never confessed my feelings for Potential. And this may be the biggest mistake of them all. I’ve shown her in as many ways as I can think of, but I have never said the words.
I think she knows. But she doesn’t KNOW, know.
Y’know?
Hell, I created a character in my new book on this woman!
It’s deep, man…
During lunch, our mutual friend was quizzing her about her love life. She was needling Potential about details following a road trip she had.
To her defense, Potential didn’t fully take the bait. I think she could pick up on something.
And I’m not naïve enough to think she’s waiting on me. But I also really didn’t want to know details.
I really didn’t want to know. Like deeply didn’t want to know.
But our friend (who I absolutely adore and love deeply) kept needling. I was damn close to snapping at her in front of her boyfriend.
This triggered a few different things within me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to get in my car and leave without even speaking to anyone.
And part of me never wanted to see Potential again.
As I’m driving home to Port Chester, I could feel the classic signs of a panic attack brewing. I started crying. I couldn’t catch my breath. And I could hardly think straight.
All the while I’m on I-95 headed home.
After I calmed down a little bit, I said, “the hell with it.” I called the friend and told her what was going on.
Even that scared the hell out of me, but I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Here’s what happened.” I think my friend had a hunch that I have feelings for Potential, but perhaps not explicitly.
Granted, I’ve devoted a lot of energy to keeping my feelings for Potential quiet. I can’t lose the friendship I have with her.
Here’s what happens when I confess romantic feelings for a female friend – it’s usually the final time I ever speak to the woman for a long time.
In this context, Amanda wasn’t the first.
Healing can sometimes be more painful than the original wound.
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That’s something I can’t have in my life! I can’t not have a relationship of some kind with Potential.
Manipulative? Sure. But I want to both have and eat my cake.
Y’know?
I preach to my clients all the time – get present to what stops you in life when you want to create something big. I’ve been single since Obama’s first term and I need to create this breakthrough in my life.
This is one of those big things.
The fear and resentment I have carried around my relationship with Amanda for so long has kept me from creating this relationship.
Do I create the romantic relationship with Potential? Or do I create it with someone else?
Nobody knows.
But I can see possibility for perhaps the first time.
And unlike most of the past year, Potential isn’t my only option! I’ve got some interest from some really remarkable women brewing.
But it’s like an old coaching mentor once said to me – healing can sometimes be more painful than the original wound.
“Sometimes you’ve got to re-break an arm to get it to heal correctly.”
Let my process of re-claiming my crown support you.
I’m in process of expanding Royal Hearts Coaching. If you’re looking to level up your life, I’d love to support you.
Email me at [email protected] and we can schedule a free sample coaching session.
Plugsburgh:
- Be a King episode 6 is live on iTunes and Google Play. It’s a shorter episode where we discuss simple ways to take ownership of your greatness to be the king we all need in this world.
Photo by Jarle Refsnes