I’m not asking if you are the hero in your wife’s story, just whether you want to be. A hero is a “person noted for courageous acts or nobility of character. A person who, in the opinion of others, has special achievements, abilities, or personal qualities and is regarded as a role model or ideal.”
This question came to me the other day when I was reading a piece on the Upworthy website. It was about advice people received that made the greatest impact on their lives. One of the stories concerned a young man who lost it with his girlfriend and the mother of his infant child. She shared that two months into his jail sentence for dealing drugs, she slept with another guy. A fellow inmate heard him out about how wronged he was and what a terrible mother she was being. He looked at the young man and asked, “Do you think you are the hero of her story?”
The young man realized he wasn’t even the hero of his own story. And that’s the point.
When you are part of a couple, you have a built-in scapegoat. This is true for your wife as well. So much time is spent focusing on what the other is doing, you each forget to look at your own behavior.
So, I’m asking again—do you want to be the hero in your wife’s story? If so, you need to become the hero in your own first. Heroes step up when others won’t or can’t. Heroes act from integrity. They don’t do things that go against who they are. In fact, heroes step into their principles in an authentic way when most others take an easier path. That’s what makes them heroes.
Think of every action movie you’ve ever seen. The hero is challenged. He’s given several opportunities to give up or give in. At one point, he takes that option into serious consideration. He isn’t perfect. He has a lot to lose by standing tall, instead of retreating. He doesn’t seek conflict, but he doesn’t run from it either. He also knows that there is something bigger than himself. He chooses to give it his all with no guarantee of success. It is that very vulnerability that makes him a hero.
Does this describe you in your life? In your marriage?
It’s hard to buck the system that runs on the myth that your wife knows all about relationships. That supports the Happy Wife/Happy Life myth. That the only way to be true to yourself is to hold yourself apart. To either fight to be right all the time or to settle for less than you deserve because you don’t want to rock the boat.
Choosing to become the man, husband, and father you want to be is an act of courage. It doesn’t mean being perfect or ignoring what matters to you in order to make your wife happy. It does mean being willing to stumble sometimes. It means being willing to learn. Mostly, it means being willing to look in the mirror and see what you can do differently.
Oh, and that young man from earlier, he apologized to his girlfriend and promised never to do it again. He told her he would straighten up and take care of their daughter no matter what happened between them. She gave him credit for being more of an adult than she thought he was capable of being.
That was twenty-one years ago and they’re still together.
What would help you become the hero in your marriage? Email me with your biggest challenge and I will respond to you personally.
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This post was previously published on foundationscoachingnc.com.
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