I’ve been spending the last few days taking my kids to the Orlando theme parks. This isn’t an annual tradition for our family. When the summer comes, we prefer to go to Peru to visit our extended family. The trip is much more affordable and it also allows my children to practice their Spanish.
This year, uncertainty about the pandemic, ridiculous fares, and inconvenient flight cancellations made us opt for a road trip to Florida. My kids are huge Harry Potter fans, so this seemed like a good year to do the generic, unimaginative American family vacation.
It’s actually kind of amazing that more people don’t discuss the drawbacks of the theme parks. Even though they’re presented as a day of fun for small children, the lines, the heat, and the walking turn it into torture for most kids. I ran a marathon only a few months ago, and I found I was exhausted after an 8 hour day at the parks.
The result is that both kids and parents end up completely worn down before noon. Exhaustion leads to tears, screaming, and a completely rotten time. For our family, this became all too obvious when a parent started loudly berating his daughter behind us in line.
The line got dark and scary
We were waiting for Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. The sign at the door said it was going to be a 60 minute wait, but we were okay with that because the line was inside and that meant there would be air-conditioning.
The line started pleasantly enough as it meandered through a series of gardens and brick structures. The only way to survive theme parks is to reprogram your mind to find some enjoyment in the lines. For the life of me, I can’t understand why they can’t put a bench every 10 minutes or so to allow young kids to get a quick rest. 60 minutes on your feet is a lot to ask of anyone.
The problem began when the line went inside the building. Quickly, the venue became dark with low lighting and some scary special effects. At least this ride didn’t constantly repeat a three note tune from a 50s era cartoon at ear-splitting volume (why do they do that?).
Still, it was creepy and the girl behind us clearly became distressed. My girls are 9 and 12 and this girl seemed to be somewhere between them in age. Eventually, she couldn’t take it anymore.
“Daddy, I don’t like this,” she said with tears streaming down her face.
“Just ignore her,” the mom said. “She’s being a crybaby.”
I felt that rebuke like a punch to the gut. Sadly, that was just the beginning.
It got worse from there
The other point of constant irritation when it comes to theme parks is the cost. Yes, everything is way too expensive. We all know this. You’re hemorrhaging money throughout your stay. I remember the phrase my mom used to use when we went to the parks: “I hate how they nickel and dime you.”
She was talking about the fact that there seems to be an additional charge for everything.
First, there’s the price of the tickets. They’re ridiculous but fine, that’s what you signed up for. But seriously, do they really have to charge you an additional $27 for parking? Then there’s the additional fee if you want to avoid the lines (which I refused to purchase). Need a locker? That’s another $12 (remember when they were only 50 cents?). After that, there’s the price of food. I feel like there’s a deliberate shortage of water fountains at the park, and it’s expensive to keep your kids hydrated. Finally, they make sure every ride ends in a gift shop with obscenely overpriced items.
So, yeah, I get it. This father was at the end of his rope. He’d made a huge investment, he was trying to show his kid a good time, he’d already wasted 30 minutes of his life standing in line and now she was in tears because she got scared.
But he shouldn’t have done what he did.
“If you don’t stop crying, we’re never coming back!”
The thing I never understand about these parents that want to put on a big show in public is why they don’t take a second to just hug their child?
If your daughter is crying, take a moment and comfort her.
Face meet palm!
It’s amazing how well it works! Just give her a hug and say, “I’m here, everything is going to be okay, take a deep breath.”
Instead, this father started lecturing like he was trying to close a business deal.
“Why are you crying? Stop crying now!”
It’s almost as if he was trying to intimidate her panic attack away. He was a tall man, taller than I am, and he had a deep, booming voice. He got all puffed up and started towering over this poor girl.
“Quit it! Stop crying! You’re the one who wanted to come here, I don’t know what’s the matter with you!”
Every now and then the mom would chirp in something about how the girl needed to get a grip on her fears.
Meanwhile this slender 10 or 11 year old with wispy blond hair and glasses stood there silently crying with big glistening tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t making any noise, but she was gasping for breath.
The dad got madder and louder.
“Don’t you appreciate all the things I do for you? Don’t you recognize how hard I work! You need to stop crying now!”
At this point, we couldn’t hear the effects of the ride or the music or the noise of the other guests. All anyone could hear was this brute screaming at his daughter.
“Quit it! Stop crying! If you don’t stop crying right this instant, we’re never coming back! Do you hear me? This is it! No more theme parks ever!”
I didn’t intervene, was that a mistake?
It was hard to stay silent, but I couldn’t think of anything I could say or do that wouldn’t risk making things worse for the daughter. Feel free to second guess me, but remember I was taking care of my own kids, and I only had about 30 minutes to think about this. Plus, I was exhausted from a day of being at the theme park.
That’s why I’m going through this exercise now. I want to be better equipped to handle this if it happens again.
My fear was that if I said something, I’d provoke the dad. Then, he’d either get involved in a physical altercation with me, or he’d get into a physical altercation with his daughter. No, I’m not going to fight anyone at a theme park, though I can’t stand by and watch somebody hit a child. Fortunately it didn’t come to that.
The other thing to remember is that this girl still had to live with this guy. Unfortunately for her, that was her life. You’ve got to be careful how you behave in a 2 minute interaction, because you aren’t going to be there to protect anyone when the family walks out of sight. YOU CAN’T MAKE THINGS WORSE!
I tried to catch the girl’s eye and give her a comforting look, but even that’s the type of thing that can get you in trouble. So, mainly I attended to my own children.
“Daddy, I don’t want to do this ride”
We came around the final turn after being in line for 60 minutes. There was a video on the wall showing riders in their cart. They were bouncing and dropping and they looked terrified.
My 9 year old looked up at me and said, “I don’t think I want to do this ride.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “They just make it look extreme in the video.”
“I don’t want to do it.”
“But you got through the Gringotts ride, I think it will be like that.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Okay,” I said. I turned to my wife and told her that our youngest didn’t want to go, but that she should do the ride with our eldest daughter. She agreed, I found an attendant, and he directed us to the exit.
Sure, I was disappointed, but my daughter didn’t want to do the ride and I wasn’t going to force her to do it. I certainly wasn’t going to leave her alone.
So we left. Problem solved.
The ride breaks down
We emerged into the gift shop (of course), and my daughter started happily looking at products. After a while she came over to me and said, “I’m sorry daddy.”
“Don’t be sorry, that’s perfectly okay!” I replied. I gave her a big hug.
She seemed relieved and began to enjoy herself again.
See? That’s the kind of memory you want at the theme parks.
She went on to explain a little more about why she didn’t do the ride and I told her I understood. It was only in the gift shop that I noticed how much she relaxed. She’d been rather rigid in the line and I thought it was from excitement. In truth, I think she had been scared.
She likes to try on hats and get her picture taken, so we did that for a while. After about 10 minutes, I started to wonder if I’d missed my wife and daughter leaving the attraction, so I got out my phone.
“Where are you?”
“On the ride.”
“How are you texting?”
“The ride is stuck!”
I called her, “Are you okay, you’re not hanging upside down or anything are you?”
“No, we’re fine, but we have a Dementor staring at us.”
“Is that little girl whose daddy was screaming at her okay?”
“No, that’s the punchline,” my wife said. “The ride broke right after we got on. They sent them to the exit!”
That’s the other thing about theme parks, the rides break down.
A family vacation is about your family
I have lingering memories of the times my dad flipped out at us when we were at the theme parks. He always called us “ungrateful.”
“Ungrateful kids! Here I am taking you to Disney, but it’s never enough!” He’d say this in a whiny, sing-song voice that indicated he thought he was the victim.
Yeah, that poor grown man who wielded dictatorial physical and financial power over every aspect of our lives was the victim. How we abused him.
Well, it was probably hot and he was tired and I was tired and we were spending too much money and we were waiting in lines. But the thing is, I don’t remember all the extenuating events, the thing I remember is getting publicly humiliated.
Spending a lot of stupid money on a stupid trip doesn’t make you a good parent. All that buys you is an opportunity to be a good parent. The time together is where the happiness comes from. You can’t become angry at your kids for how much money the theme parks are bleeding out of you. When your children are distressed, you need to put everything else aside and provide some comfort.
Hopefully, that father took a moment after the ride to give his daughter a hug and tell her he loved her. The message of this article is to start with that. Don’t go straight to the “If you don’t shut up, we’re never coming here again” ultimatum.
Just give your kid a hug. Tell them you love them. If you can’t do that, you’ll never have any good memories no matter how much you spend at expensive theme parks.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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