At some point in your dating lifetime, you learn what it’s like to have someone else as your “rebound” relationship or what it feels like to be the rebound.
A rebound is a relationship (even if a short fling) with someone else shortly after the ending of a more significant relationship instead of using that time to heal and get in the right headspace for someone new.
It’s not always a bad thing. The expression “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone” has its merits. It’s easy to obsess over an ex; inserting someone new in the picture can break the cycle of repetitive thoughts. This works best when both people agree to the no-strings-attached condition of sex.
It’s a whole other ballgame when you’re the collateral damage on their way to self-discovery.
Some people are by nature selfish and self-serving. During a time of rebound and self-discovery, no one is immune from becoming somewhat selfish. It’s necessary to learn who we are at that moment, who we want to become, what we need to fulfill our goals in our next life chapter.
It’s understanding to miss the signs of someone else in self-discovery mode. Naturally selfish people aren’t stealth in their ways and they’re easy to spot after a few interactions. Someone under self-discovery isn’t aware that they’re selfish. It’s often a temporary state and they’re otherwise good people. After all, the first rule of self-awareness is becoming aware that you aren’t self-aware.
While it’s great that they’re going through a personal metamorphosis, that doesn’t mean you need to stick around and take the hard knocks on their path. How do you do that?
By knowing your worth.
So cheesy. I cringed as I typed it. Hear me out.
If you are on your path of self-discovery, it’s difficult to understand your boundaries, your interests, your goals, and everything else that would make for a sequel to Pixar’s Inside Out.
Know your worth: basic human rights
If you struggle to identify your worth, first think of the rules you would apply to every human, such as:
- not tolerating physical abuse.
- not tolerating blatant verbal abuse (such as “you’re stupid” or “you’re so fat”).
- not tolerating theft or damage to your belongings.
- not getting involved with someone who was incarcerated for any of the above reasons.
The rules you apply to every human are typically very blatant and black or white. They’re easy to identify. Unfortunately, for many people, this is a boundary that is difficult to enforce.
Know your worth: the bare minimum of dating
Next, think of the rules that you would apply to all humans but more nuanced. They’re more specific to you but most would agree, such as:
- not accepting proclaimed “harmless” flirting.
- not accepting offhand insulting comments (“careful with those cookies, you’ll end up even bigger”).
- them going off on a “guys’ weekend” or “girls’ weekend” with loads of alcohol and partying without checking in if they promised to do so.
- keeping you hidden from their family and friends
- mooching off you financially because they make poor financial choices
Know your worth: the rules specific to you
The hardest list to determine your worth is the list of acceptable behaviors applicable to you. No one else can make this list for you. To identify them, think of things in the past that made you feel bad but you couldn’t quite articulate why or you felt irrational so you brushed them off. In particular, these are things that people do when they’re going through a life change, major relationship change, and all-around path to self-discovery.
Since the list is unique to you, here are some of my rules I’m putting on my list.
- Anything that falls under the gray area of inappropriate sexual behavior. If it’s something that even needs debating as appropriate or not, then it’s unacceptable to me. End of story. I’m not going to allow myself to sway in a direction that leaves them feeling good while I still feel like throwing up at the thought of it. Maybe they’re still learning their boundaries. I don’t care…I know what mine are, and they’re drawn where I have that icky knot in my stomach.
- Flaky behavior. I understand that self-discovery can sometimes mean last-minute changes, such as wanting to impress at work so they choose to stay late to help others. My time is just as valuable though. Time is the one commodity you can never get back, no matter how much effort or money is thrown at it. I don’t tolerate anyone repeatedly messing with that nor will I put myself on pause as I wait for someone else who won’t give firm timelines.
- Constantly bailing someone out of a problem. Perhaps they’re moving to another place, switching jobs, or they’ve made a change in life that has resulted in them losing their vehicle. Of course, I’m here to help anyone in need. But I’m done being anyone’s backup car ride or bank account because they’re making bad choices as they move to the next physical or mental stage in their life.
- Accepting scraps. Some people take priority in someone else’s life, such as young children or they’re the sole caretaker for an ailing parent. Those people should come first. However, I won’t tolerate constant last-minute invites or booty calls after they’ve wrapped up a date. Receiving scraps includes getting a recycled x-rated pic that was originally sent to someone else (yes, that happened).
- Not tolerating crappy behavior with the excuse that it was because they like me so much. Surprising that guys frequently use that excuse to talk their way out of being pricks.
- Being with someone who hasn’t figured out their childhood trauma or repeated patterns of behavior. We all have baggage, but I’m done being the person who becomes an emotional punching bag. I’m not a human lab rat; I expect at this point in adulthood the other person knows their issues and is capable of working on them. I’m done being collateral damage for behaviors like codependency or borderline personality disorder.
A list of rules isn’t intended to be all-encompassing. Instead, it’s meant to open your eyes to all the times you felt bad in the past and didn’t stand up for yourself when you should have. It’s to remind yourself that deal-breakers disguise themselves and you’ll let them happen again if you don’t identify the ways they masquerade in everyday actions.
I am not the poster child by any stretch for following these rules. I often write the guidelines that I’m hoping to follow.
If you’re like me, it’s very difficult to not give people the benefit of the doubt. I follow what they’re saying instead of what they’re doing and it’s not until I’m deep in the waters before I realize that I’m being used.
My MO is to be the “cool chick” so I don’t often stand up for myself. By the time I do, the hurt is already deeply entrenched. I need to understand that it’s not a bad thing to stand up for your self-worth.
I’m in a weird-sort-of-kind-of life change (as much as one can have while everything is shut down) and I am continuously improving. Recognizing my own worth will forever be on my list of To-Do tasks.
We let others get away with bad behavior when they’re going through a tough time. It’s too easy to make excuses for them because they’re switching jobs, they’re recovering from addiction, they’re divorcing, any number of major life-changing events.
You’re not meant to be anyone’s collateral damage from their life change. While it may not be in your nature to push back (especially if you don’t want to come across as a high-maintenance diva), you’ll know you made the right decision when you choose your self-worth over someone else’s crappy behavior.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash