“Don’t let the fear of “what could be,” stop you from pursuing “what could be”.”
Life is but an “all too brief” experience that we barely ever are aware of that exists.
Most of us either live in the past, ruminating over things we did, ruminating over what others have done to us, or we wish that we could change what cannot be changed.
Others live in the future, fantasizing about what could be and what they wish it would be.
Very few live in the moment.
I find those of us who live in the past or the future to be extremely anxious, stressful, fearful, panicky, and just living on the edge.
And it can be argued that maybe we are wired this way — for survival reasons.
We ruminate because we are trying to grasp our heads around what just happened. We fantasize about the future because we are both excited about a life that we can have, and we are simultaneously nervous about what could also come our way.
Falling in love with someone can be difficult for people like this.
They may have been dumped in the past, and as a result, they fear ever trying to connect with others because of the fear of being discarded.
Others who have never dated question and think over and over in their head whether someone would be interested in them, and they allow their fear of being rejected in their mind to stop them from pursuing the girl or guy.
This fear stops people from having “what could be” because of what they “think could be.”
Don’t Let The Fear Of What Could Be, Stop You From Pursuing What Could Be
I am a backpacker, a wanderer, a modern-day Ronin.
I love living my life for myself. I love the fact that I can just up and one day says, “Hey, I feel like going to this state to live for a while, or I feel like going to this country and living a while.”
I love my freedom to live on my terms and not to be encumbered by the whims and feelings of others.
On my journey, though, I usually come across many women that I am highly attracted to, and always, in the back of my mind, I want to take them with me on my journey.
But then the fear of “what could be” stops me from achieving “what could be.”
So what do I mean? Why do I keep repeating this?
Well, what I mean is that I have a fear, to an extent, of asking these women to join me on my journey, and for several reasons.
# 1 — Rejection
Now, I am not wholly fearful of rejection. As a matter of fact, I love when I am rejected as it helps to build my skin and character.
I think…NO…I know far too many people are fearful of rejection, and I get it.
Rejection literally activates the same areas of the brain where pain is associated with or where people who have had third-degree burns have their brain active.
This is precisely why when a guy gets rejected by a girl, his guys tell him, “You got burned.”
Rejection is an unpleasant feeling.
But I seek it.
Not because I am sadomasochistic, but because it only makes me more resistant to the many more inevitable rejections in the future.
In life, and I think this lesson has been lost on many people, or maybe it has never even been taught, “You aren’t always going to get what you want.”
Learning how to deal with it, not taking things so personally, and learning how to move on right away is such a skill and power that many never try to learn or harness.
But to get back to my point, it is my fear of “what could be” that stops some from having “what could be.”
My fear of being rejected stops me from potentially having that relationship with “a one” (and I say “a one” not “the one” as I do believe that “the one” concept is just a fabrication of society. Read here to learn more about my thoughts on monogamy and “The One” concept.).
But not only the fear of being rejected, but the fear of being accepted.
Being Accpeted By Her Is Just As Terrifying
“You are making no sense, right now!”
Allow me to elucidate.
My fear of her accepting me, and many women have given me clear signs, “I am willing to come with you,” comes down to this idea that maybe the relationship will tie me down.
Maybe my love for her will make me give up my love for my dreams and goals. Maybe if I allow her into my heart — my life and who I am will become weaker.
I find that when I am in Love, I am far too forgiving; I overlook all the negative signs that people show me that “Hey, I am going to destroy your life,” because I am so much in Love.
Romantic Love, and you will hate to accept this fact, makes people stupid(er).
It has been shown that people who are romantically linked to another person have their cognition lowered.
Romantic Love is not only a drug, but it also seems to be an intoxicant (alcohol).
People who are in love are less able to focus and to perform tasks that require attention. Researcher Henk van Steenbergen concludes this, together with colleagues from Leiden University and the University of Maryland. The article has appeared in the journal Motivation and Emotion. — Science News, Reduced Cognitive Control In Passionate Lovers
Now, don’t get me wrong, falling in love is a great feeling. Loving someone and having them love you back makes this human experience all the more bearable to tolerate.
But when you have dreams and goals that you are trying to accomplish, to focus on, to give all your attention to, to have full concentration on, and to give your full mind to — you MUST prioritize the mission; otherwise, you WILL fail.
Here my fear of “what could be” (a happy relationship) stops me from pursuing “what could be” (a happy relationship).
** I highly recommend that you give my “Real Talk: I Am Terrified Of Falling In Love And Here Is Why” a read to better understand my fear of falling in love. If I am too happy, I know I will not pursue my goals and dreams.**
# 2 — What If I Am Wrong About Their Being “The One”
Now, I am not above being corrected. I make mistakes every day.
Hell, I am pretty sure there are a few grammatical errors in this article.
This fear of being wrong — and not so in the sense of being the guy who “never makes mistakes” — but more so, what if I am NOT destined to accomplish the things that I so very much pine to achieve in life.
What if I am destined to just be a father, a husband, a family man, and not what I envision myself as in my dreams and head.
And I must state that I do not think there is anything wrong with this lifestyle of just being a family man.
But I dream big and want to accomplish big; what if my dreams are just that…dreams.
And what if I am really destined to NOT be as good as I think I am or work to become?
What if it is the universe who is placing “her” in my life to distract me from becoming who I know I am?
My fear of “what could be” (a happy, healthy relationship) keeps me from pursuing “what could be” (a happy, healthy relationship).
Am I Overthinking Things?
I don’t think I am, more so than just seeing things from as many angles as possible.
I will admit this though, I have always regretted…ALWAYS regretted not pursuing the girl when I felt there was some level of attraction.
I have always felt like I missed out on a chance of connecting with a great person.
And this is not FOMO.
If she finds a lover, a soul mate, a partner…GREAT.
I am polyamorist, so the regret comes from missing out on a connection and not a fear of her having a relationship elsewhere.
I have always regretted not pursuing “what could be (a happy, healthy relationship)” because of “what could be (a happy, healthy relationship)”.
Life is an ocean of chaos, and the realization that you are the one who is suppose to throw the buoy while struggling to stay afloat is devastating — Henry Barthes, Detachment
Life is a lonely experience. It is a very lonely, cruel, cold, chaotic, amoral existence.
Love is what makes this experience all that much more bearable.
And so I say, pursue love when the opportunity presents itself.
Pursue a happy life when you can.
Pursue “what could be” and get rid of those negative thoughts of “what could be.”
The idea of being rejected or being shunned or not being good enough for a person is a small price to pay for the chance of being accepted, loved, admired, and good enough for that special someone.
As I get older, I realize that we only have this one life to live. We are not the least bit knowledgeable about life after death.
I have no idea if we will even exist after we die, or cease to exist.
We have no guarantees of an after life, nor do we have any guarantees for a brighter tomorrow.
When the opportunities present themselves — a chance of a better life, a happy life, a loving life with someone — don’t pass it up out of fear of what could be.
Because “what could be” may be all that you ever wanted or needed.
Previously Published on medium
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