When I was growing up, I didn’t dream of having a family. In fact, I’m on audiotape as a young kid saying something like, “I don’t want her to have to go through having a baby!” (What a kid, already thinking about her feelings.)
Now as an old man in training, I do have a family, and am grateful for it. However, I didn’t do it out of pressure from my family.
At least I don’t think so.
I do recall people close to me talking about my future self as a dad. Stuff like, “one day, when you’re a dad, you’ll get it.” It was sort of assumed that I would follow the path of dadhood.
In my high school years, I was doubtful that I’d ever be anything but single. Sure, I was interested in girls, but I was also a shy kid so I didn’t pursue them much. During this time, there were a lot of comments from friends and family about my lack of relationships. It made me feel I was failing, that I was an outsider. It actually demotivated me.
When I got older, I moved out of my parent’s home and lived on my own, not really dating all that much. Their comments about “when you get married…” sort of dropped off. Besides, there was no longer as much pressure on me to further the family bloodline, as my brother had beat me to it.
The lack of pressure to get married was the catalyst for me
Once any outside pressure to follow the traditional path of marriage, mortgage, and kids subsided, I suddenly wanted it more. I decided to get serious about meeting someone. That required me to look for a partner outside of the small, sleepy town I was living in, and eventually relocate to the big city of Toronto.
Deep down inside, even without knowing it, I decided it was time to “settle down.” I never really liked that term, although I fully understand why some people “sow their wild oats” before committing. (This is also why I don’t think some people shouldn’t marry before their late 20’s, but that’s another article for another time.)
Perhaps it was the conditioning from my earlier years, and the societal expectation to live a domestic life that steered me this direction eventually. Either way, I made a conscious decision to give up my quiet bachelorhood for marriage — but not until my later 30’s.
By that time, I think most people around me had accepted that I would live as a hermit in the forest drinking rainwater. So when I found my future wife, and proposed, I think I shocked even myself.
Yes, culture can be a factor
I know this isn’t the same for everyone. Many parents put enormous pressure on their kids to wed, and to raise a family. Sometimes the marriage is arranged, which can be problematic, especially if there’s no natural chemistry between the two parties.
Sure, arranged marriages have a statistically lower divorce rate than finding your own spouse, but that may be from fear of consequences for quitting. In Saudi Arabia, for example, a woman can only initiate a divorce out of abuse, not general unhappiness.
I get that religion and culture play a big part in deciding peoples’ futures. For example, arranged marriage in India is pretty standard. I’m not saying this type of arrangement is wrong (unless the bride is way too young). But I also think despite staying together more often, there could be unhappiness and resentful buried deep down, which will not benefit the partner or the child.
Besides, with so many ways to meet people including dating apps, does anyone need their parents to find them a partner? And how does that jive with what they want?
I don’t think anyone should feel resentment about tying the knot and starting a family. The choice should be autonomous. The decision to get married and starting a family is dramatically life-altering. The person should be able to decide for themselves if and when they’re ready.
It’s in the best interest of you, your partner, and your children.
If you let your kids decide for themselves who they are and what they want, they will more likely be happier with their decisions down the road. Okay, maybe they will still end up miserable — happiness is not guaranteed — but at least they won’t blame it on you.
Your legacy isn’t their legacy
Say that with me a few times.
If you got married because your parents demanded grandchildren, or just to fulfill the tradition, then it’s not fair to your partner or future offspring. You should want to have kids out of the desire to raise them to be the best they can be, and then set them free. Just like no one should pressure your major life decisions, you shouldn’t control theirs (unless they’re making an obviously huge mistake they might not be able to recover from, like joining a cult.)
I don’t talk to my son with the usual “matter of fact” tone about his future. I don’t throw in the “one day you’ll understand when you’re married and have kids of your own” stuff. (Or at least I try not to.)
I will not ask him what he thinks of the girls in his class when he’s old enough to date (unless he wants to, of course.) I will be letting him choose if he wants to date, and whom he wants to date, and eventually if he wants to get married. Maybe he’ll decide monogamy isn’t right for him, and that’s cool with me.
Grandchildren seem like a really nice idea, but I am not going to think of my son as a failure or get angry if that’s not the direction he chooses.
Marriage is not their only path to ‘success’
Hopefully, if our kid does want to get married, it will be because he found someone great that he doesn’t want to let go of. Hopefully he will also have a good impression of marriage from his parents. If he has kids, I hope it’s because he wants them to have the same loving childhood that he’s having.
I’m not going to micro-manage his existence, aside from keeping him safe and making sure he has basic decency towards others. That also includes letting him make his own mistakes sometimes.
Sometimes it takes getting your heart broken, or to feel the sting of loneliness, before learning how to move forward. It takes personal growth to be with someone long-term, and even more of it to be a parent.
I’m sure there are some of you readers out there that might’ve been pressured into marriage or parenthood. I don’t want this article to make you feel bad. Perhaps you felt that was the measure of your value to the world, and you were trying to make your parents happy. I get it. I hope you are content now in your roles, no matter what the circumstances.
But remember: this is also your chance to break the cycle of expectations for your own children.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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