Never underestimate the power of what children pickup from the people around them.
- Teach your young children that when referring to people, they should first identify them by their skin color. For example, kids should be taught to say, “Mom, there is a yellow man at the front door.”
- Make sure that you use “drugs” and “Mexicans” together so often and in such close proximity that your children hear this as one word: drugsmexicans.
- Be sure to give your daughter stacks of blond, white baby dolls and to mention early and often that though you are not at all racist or sexist, you certainly hope she grows up to marry a man who will give her babies who will look exactly like those dolls.
- Forbid your sons from participating in any activities which nurture creativity and inspire empathy and compassion for others. Theater is out, musical theater even more out.
- Be sure that Darius Rucker is the only black musical artist your kids ever listen to. Reggae, hip hop, funk, jazz, soul, Afrobeat, and blues are out.
- For the entire month of December, make sure your kids hear you say “Merry Christmas” to absolutely everyone you see. Because what on earth is wrong with that?
- Whenever a crime bust makes the news in your town, make sure the very first question your kids hear you ask is, “Were they black?”
- When referring to gay couples you know, be sure to wonder, in front of your kids, which partner acts as “the woman” and which one as “the man.”
- Thwart your children’s analytical thinking skills by suppressing your own. Begin by saying things like, “If God had intended for a man to be with a man…”
- Tell your kids over and over that racism is bad and that you, as a family, are not racist. Racist people use the n word and march in rallies with sheets on their heads, and you are not those people. You just happen to believe there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed.
- Make sure that on family vacations, you surround yourself with people just like you. Do not travel to scary places. Actually, use the word scary a lot in front of your children. Use it so much, in fact, that they associate different with scary.
- Discourage your kids from sampling foods which might inspire curiosity about other cultures. McDonald’s is great, Chick fil A even better. Mexican, Ethiopian, Indian, Spanish, and Brazilian cuisines are all out.
- Be sure to send your kids to schools that teach only creationism. Stifling your kids’ intellectual reasoning skills early on is key to instilling narrow-mindedness.
- Deem any piece of writing with a new or interesting point of view as obscene, and work to ban as many of these works of literature as you can.
- Make sure your adolescent kids attend a school that does not teach sex ed. If this is absolutely impossible, make sure your child’s school teaches abstinence only. This is the first and simplest step you can take to ensure that your child never has a normal, healthy sex life or advocates for anyone else’s right to have one either.
- Be sure that you fill local governing bodies—the school board, city council, county commissioners—with as many white men from your church as you can regardless of their fitness to serve.
- Vote nationally on a narrow range of trigger issues—abortion, gay marriage, etc. Do not consider the economic statuses of your friends and neighbors or perhaps even yourself when voting. In the vein of Karl Marx, just take the opiate.
- Once you have managed to raise a kid who has never heard of evolution or read Harry Potter or considered sex a protectable, protection worthy act, take the next logical step and send him or her to an ultraconservative, religious college. Liberty University would be ideal, Bob Jones University another excellent choice.
Photo: woodleywonderworks/Flickr modified by jjvincent