Sadly, in the 21st century there are plenty of out-dated and false gender stereotypes still knocking around. A particularly untrue one is that only women ‘gossip’. Gossip is when I talk about another person, with an implicit judgement or criticism which makes me feel good by comparison. Putting someone else down, I comfort myself with the feeling that, however crap my own life might seem, at least I’m not as bad as they are. I project my on guilt onto them as a way of feeling better about myself, rather than changing anything in my own life.
I’ve found myself falling into this trap, after reading about men who have committed acts of sexual or other violence; getting some measure of satisfaction from feeling morally superior to them, and reassured that, by comparison at least; I’m one of the ‘good guys’. It seems that many of us love to read about bad people. Newspapers don’t run such stories on their front pages because they want to educate and inform us, or make the world a safer place; it’s because it will sell more papers.
To have a healthier relationship with nature, and have a hope of survival as a species, men urgently need to understand our feelings about the “feminine nature” in women and in ourselves.
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The pervasive disdain for ‘the feminine’ in our culture makes it harder for men and women to have mutually respectful and healthy relationships, and, I think, also underpins our destructive behaviour towards the environment To have a healthier relationship with nature, and have a hope of survival as a species, men urgently need to understand our feelings about the “feminine nature” in women and in ourselves, and how we can relate to that better.
It seems that plenty of men are still, at some level, afraid of women, and go into a panic the moment their fragile sense of power or authority is in any way challenged or confronted by a woman they are close to – all too often leading to punches being thrown. Like schoolyard bullying, violence is used as a means of self-defence by those men who at a deep lack confidence or self worth. . This fear reveals itself in a variety of ways, including addictions to porn and substance abuse, and at it most extreme to the currently high levels of male suicide.
On a milder level, many men (and I’ve been one of them) instinctively retreat to a timid place of safety where we limit our emotional engagement with the women in our lives – leaving everyone feeling frustrated and often locked into a cycle of mutual recrimination and disdain. At this point the sexual fire in the relationship usually dies away, and the man resorts to fantasising over the kind of ‘safe’ sexual images, which are easily available to him online.
What can we men do about this?
I hope and believe that we are currently experiencing an evolution in men’s relationship with, and attitude towards, ‘the feminine’ in girls and women, in nature, and in themselves. To nudge this process forward, we need the intervention of a government that has the insight and courage to realise that, taken collectively, the on-going incidence of male sexual abuse and violence is a largely hidden, but serious problem that demands serious intervention. A good start could be some kind of awareness raising campaign and national ‘Men’s Forum’ which would galvanise men to realise that sexual abuse and violence is not a ‘women’s problem’, it is OUR problem, and that if we don’t want to be part of that problem, we need urgently to be thinking about what we can do to be part of the solution.
It’s not enough for men to ‘support women’; we need to look inside ourselves and challenge our limiting beliefs and attitudes so that we can become more healthy and complete as individuals…
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Men who are concerned about these issues, and want to support women’s rights, find it hard to identify with feminism because they see it as a ‘women’s movement’, but possibly would want to be part of a parallel men’s movement for change that they can think of as their own. It’s not enough for men to ‘support women’; we need to look inside ourselves and challenge our limiting beliefs and attitudes so that we can become more healthy and complete as individuals, and reclaim a sense of pride and strength as men and develop our capacity to respect and nurture women and children…and the planet.
In the current climate of questioning traditional gender roles and expectations, men have a real opportunity for positive change, if we can embrace a broader sense of what it means to “be a man”. By not always worrying if we are living up to a traditionally narrow view of ‘masculinity’, we can be more fulfilled as individuals, as well as being better partners and fathers. We have a chance to reconsider our roles in a changed world where traditional male occupations are shrinking, and where men are rightly expected to contribute more to domestic responsibilities.
The payoff for men in terms of well-being can be enormous.
Rather than gossiping about each other, we can start to support and be proud of each other; emulate some of the mutual support that women seem more easily to provide, and create a ‘men’s movement’ that will, unlike the so called ‘Men’s Rights’ movement, be about moving forward to a society of equal men and women rather than rolling things back to the mutual suspicion and manipulation between the genders that we’ve lived with for too long.
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Men who are concerned about these issues, and want to support women’s rights, find it hard to identify with feminism because they see it as a ‘women’s movement’,…. No that’s not it really. If feminism were just branded as being empowerment for women most men wouldn’t have any problem with it. The problem is that feminism simultaneously brands itself as being supportive of men while at the same time regularly doing and say things that contradict that claim. Such as that, “rolling things back to the mutual suspicion and manipulation between the genders that we’ve lived with for too long.”.… Read more »
@ Danny “Has anyone ever considered that maybe, just maybe, men’s fears about opening up are justified and the right things aren’t being done to assure men that they will not be left high and dry once they open up?” I think men do open up, but women don’t recognize it and when men don’t get feed back / support, they stop opening up because what’s the point? A lot of this goes back to sexism, but unrecognized sexism because when sexism favors women, it can’t be sexist in many people’s minds including I’d assert the author’s. Women are supposed… Read more »
This is pretty much what I was thinking. Women are the great and oppressed empathic communicators so there is no way women could possibly play a role in why men don’t open up. Anything bad that happens to men is a self inflicted vacuum.
The women that I know, and mostly knw about, whether they call themselves feminists or not, are not looking to ‘exploit’ men or have special privileges, but just want equality (not sameness), and to be able to live in a way that feels authentic to them, free from fear. I wonder where you got such a negative view of females?
Good points, Danny that’s given me some food for thought. I especially like your closing observation,and have to agree that we all need a confidence and self worth that is not rooted in any relationship, but is built on a solid foundation of essential adequacy and worth inside ourselves. I think this foundation is most effectively give to a bos by his father, and its absence can, if it’s not recognised and consciously rebuilt, lead to the trap of endlessly looking for outside acceptance and approval. Not an empowering place to be.
Exactly.
Its not empowering to look for outside acceptance and approval.
Yet that is exactly the kind of “empowerment” that men are taught. You won’t find many sources teaching women that they need to approval of men as a source of empowerment. Or at least won’t find many that are regarded as “feminist”, “progressive”, or whatever lingo you want to use as a proxy for positive.
So why are men taught that seeking approval from women is empowerment?
Don’t think I’ve ever read a more BSing, gynocentrically driven, sickening, male-supplicating propaganda piece in my entire life. I’ve got to hand it to you. Your delusion over past and present involvement of men in women’s lives is magnificently unmatched. TRADCON (traditional conservatism) is all about men, on bended knee, lying prostrate before women, sacrificing their lives and true freedom to the whims of women. Trump is a tradcon – which I why I vehemently hate him. He’s all you wrote in a nutshell. He’s all about – “How can men better serve women besides dying in war, being divorce… Read more »
“create a ‘men’s movement’ that will, unlike the so called ‘Men’s Rights’ movement, be about moving forward to a society of equal men and women”
We’re going to reach equality by telling men that their worth lies with how much they benefit women. How is that different from now?
The usual, John. Blame men, pardon women. It is this very type of writing that has created the need for a men’s rights movement in the first place. I’d ask the author exactly what is wrong with men seeking better healthcare, attention to the 40% victims of domestic violence, the right to our kids in divorce, the male death rate, suicide rate, the (now that the data is out), high rate of men and boys (especially small boys) raped by women (we have underage boys that have been raped by women now paying the rapist child support), relief from childhood… Read more »
“The pervasive disdain for ‘the feminine’ in our culture makes it harder for men and women to have mutually respectful and healthy relationships….” And nowhere is “the feminine” under greater assault than from feminists themselves. That’s why you see so many women today who think they must talk like men, act like men, have sex like men,……Anything feminine is perceived by feminists as distasteful. A woman who wants to be a stay at home mom has committed a crime against humanity in their eyes! “I hope and believe that we are currently experiencing an evolution in men’s relationship with, and… Read more »
Easy one there, Jules. Feminism itself when bad, which lead to the exile of fathers from the family, resulting in men growing up with a certain false understanding of both men and women, hell, of who they are. It’s not us guys that had dads that are running, either towards, or away from their false ideology of masculinity.. Hardest part is bringing them to the realization that it is not we, but they that have been lied to, used, and set out to do their work for them, besmirching and blaming men based on an ideology taught by them that… Read more »