Hugo Schwyzer is infuriated by the insinuation that men are more interested in a woman’s cleavage than her intellect.
Never mind your tanking 401K, or the astronomical price of gold. How’s your erotic capital? According to Catherine Hakim, a professor at the London School of Economics, erotic capital is a combination of “beauty, social skills, good dress sense, physical fitness, liveliness, sex appeal and sexual competence.” Both men and women have it, both men and women can use it, and – according to Hakim’s new book, Honey Money (already published to much controversy in the UK, forthcoming here in the States), those who use it effectively can make a hell of a lot more money.
It’s not news that gregarious, attractive, and well-groomed people tend to be more successful. On a basic level, as Hakim herself admits, this is simple common sense. No one disputes that a basic sense of style can be helpful in life, and there is indeed research that suggests that good-looking (but not too good-looking) men and women are more likely to get hired and promoted. But Hakim doesn’t stop with this recitation of the obvious.
Women have more erotic capital than do men, she writes, because of what she calls the “male sex deficit”: the fact that men want sex far more than women do, particularly after the age of 30. (If you happen to be a heterosexual woman with a ravenous libido, and you were born before 1981, stop reading now. In Hakim’s worldview, you’re a unicorn.) Men’s desire, Hakim says, is one key source of every women’s capital – and ought to be valorized at least as much as education.
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At the end of her introduction to Honey Money, Hakim asks “Why does no one encourage women to exploit men whenever they can?” The pretense that this is a book about good manners and dress sense drops away. Forget social skills, forget fashion; it’s sexual desirability (either with or without concomitant competence) that’s a woman’s ticket to success. According to Hakim, political correctness and the unholy alliance of Puritanism and feminism (the twin villains of modern life) have led to a generation of women coming of age with no clue about how properly to take advantage of men.
Hakim’s thesis is as insulting to men as it is to women. What she’s hawking, with her crude call for women to exploit the “male sex deficit” to their advantage, is the hoary old myth of male weakness. That myth suggests that men have such a strong sex drive that they can be easily manipulated by women. The myth of male weakness is why we often cast more blame on the woman who sleeps with the married man than on the dude himself; the myth of male weakness is why we blame scantily-dressed women for “distracting” innocent men on the street and in the workplace. Women, as Hakim insists, aren’t that interested in sex to begin with – so they don’t have the same vulnerability to lust. But men’s frailty is women’s opportunity, she reminds us. And it’s an opportunity women shouldn’t be ashamed to seize.
Because men are so weak, good looks and flirtatiousness – the basic currency of erotic capital – don’t just supplement a woman’s intellect. Rather, they can serve to cover up deficiencies in ability or experience. The power of erotic capital lies in men’s willingness to choose sex over anything else. Play your cards right, Hakim seems to be saying, and a male boss will promote you to a position for which you are unqualified based on his attraction to you. Exploit the male sex deficit, she suggests, and your sex-starved professor may just give you a grade you haven’t earned.
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I deal first hand with young women who’ve bought into this message. At the beginning of a new semester, I often have female students who try to “flirt their way” into a closed class. Less frequently, some young women will use their sexuality to get the academic attention they’ve been taught to believe a male professor will not give them otherwise. A couple of years ago, I had a very bright student mentee who, when she first came to see me, was aggressively flirtatious, using her erotic capital for all it was worth. “Allee” showed up in a miniskirt and low-cut top, and made rather obvious efforts to brush against me.
It got so bad that I had to put a stop to it. I looked her in the eye and said “I care about you, your work, and your life. I’m not interested in you sexually and I will never allow our relationship to become sexual.” Allee flushed pink for just a moment, and then her body almost sagged with relief. Where once she had come to see me in full make-up and stilettos, she began coming in sweats and Reeboks. Allee seemed much more at ease, much more trusting, and we continued to work closely together for nearly two years until she transferred.
Allee knew she was sexy; she’d been hearing it since she was twelve. She had had plenty of bitter experience with older men who were interested in her body and little else. Unsure of her own intellectual abilities, she was convinced that her “erotic capital” was her only valuable asset. She desperately needed an older male authority figure who would be uninterested in her sexually – and passionately excited about her other gifts. That’s not Puritanism, that’s professionalism and common sense. I know damn well I’m not the only male professor capable of that.
It’s not a hostility to sex that makes me angry at Hakim’s notion that women should use their erotic capital to exploit men. Rather, what’s so infuriating about her thesis is her ugly insistence that men are never really as interested in a woman’s intellectual gifts as in her cleavage. While there’s nothing wrong with encouraging young people to be gregarious, polite, and well-dressed (match that belt to those shoes, kids!), there is something immensely destructive about suggesting that women’s professional success hinges on their ability to manipulate men sexually. For young women, the celebration of “erotic capital” is a disheartening reminder that their hopes of being taken seriously for their intellectual gifts are almost certain to be dashed. Hakim’s message about men is worse: no matter how professional we may appear, in the end she thinks we’re fragile, conceited, sex-starved and easily bought with a flash of cleavage and a little flattery.
“Honey Money” is a recipe for misery and mistrust for everyone.
The number of heterosexual bosses is dwindling. I am an very attractive young sexy intelligent educated woman. And the past 3 jobs I have had I have been completely used for my sales skills and have been thrown to the wind because my male boss (whose married with kids) wants to favour, and dote on, and make exceptions for his gay crush or actual fucking boyfriend. You wanna talk about being favoured??? HA a gay man will do more for another gay man, (Even if it’s a stranger!) than a straight man would EVER do for his long time wife.… Read more »
Me and my wife are both social and well-groomed. When I go to business events I have to struggle to get my business opportunities. When she goes people stumble over themselves to help her. The point is, women get a lot (often everything) for free and never have to deal with the same sense of desperation (or “staring into the abyss”-feeling) as men do. They don’t even know it themselves which is why they are so offended by this idea, but subconsciously they know that they’ll often have a men – stranger or not – ready to assist or aid… Read more »
I grew up in an Upper-Middle Class environment. I’ve seen a lot of women use men as stepping stones to wealth. Some women use marriage like stock traders use companies. They’re constantly trying to trade up the food chain. They leave a lot of broken families in their wake. But they do emerge at the end with a lot of cash. Perhaps the strangest example of this approach is one woman who lives with her old college boyfriend in luxury, as a maid, with his new wife, that she introduced into his life. And it is his fifth wife.
I think that this author is merely stating blatantly what we all know on a deeper level. Women who can arouse men sexually do get more opportunity and advancement than women who do not. It is also an easy and lazy shortcut for girls who don’t want to do the hard work required to be successful: just show a bit of cleavage and flirt with the boss – he will immediately look upon you with favour. Sure, you may be a decent guy, who would never dream of allowing sexual appeal to impact your dealings with a student, but you… Read more »
So many contradictions here. She can “exploit her erotic capital”, but he better not view her as a “sex object”. She can use her “natural assets”, but he must respect her intelligence not her cleavage. I’d have to think that women would be just as outraged by this as men.
I don’t see any contradictions as nowhere do I see her stating, suggesting, or imply that she can “exploit her erotic capital” but he better not view her as a “sex object” or that she can use her “natural assets” but he must respect her intelligence not her cleavage. If anything she’s saying gals should exploit their erotic capital because guys view them as sex objects and that gals should use their natural assets because they do not respect a gal’s intelligence and hold more respect for her cleavage. Hence why the author of this article is insulted by Hakim.
“Why does no one encourage women to exploit men whenever they can?”
Umm…because exploiting people is wrong? I know it happens, but it certainly isn’t something a Good Person consciously and intentionally *tries* to do, IMO.
The problem with your argument is that you’re one of the good apples…and there are more bad ones than good ones.
Oh look, I can see her chair.
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I am a UNICORN!!!
I love it when woman try to appeal to my sex drive rather than to my intellect. Or that they think one will over power the other even though I have years of not having sex with everything that has a little decolletage, and years of experience that have taught me even a great ass will pay the same amount and wait as long as anyone for their wont. I love beautiful women – I’m a poet, I need them really – however, I am never so foolish in the eyes of heavy flirt and swaying skirts to entangle my… Read more »
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8741895/Frenchman-ordered-to-pay-wife-damages-for-lack-of-sex.html Just came across this article and thought it would interest contributors to this debate. Whilst I’m not convinced that in my own country (Britain) this same judgement would have been passed, I do wonder if this is further evidence that men are expected to want sex whenever they can get it. I can’t imagine a wife ever having to pay these same damages.
I’m clearly a unicorn. 🙂
I don’t buy into her argument, but I feel like a lot of the world still does. Women can still use their sexuality to their advantage in their careers and personal relationships and it happens around us all the time. I think erotic capital exists, though I don’t think women should use it to cover up for their intelligence, etc.
Excellent article, Hugo. Thanks for writing it.
Hakim sounds pretty anti-sex. Women don’t want it so they should use it to manipulate men? That’s a very cold-hearted view of sex, love, and men.
She’s also missing the big picture – we all age. If you build your success on your body, someday you’ll be left with nothing.
Ms Hakim is not a salaried member of staff of the LSE – never mind being a professor of anything.
Good to see the debate about male and female roles and interactions in society, though I baulk at giving this feeble guff any airspace. It’s like something straight out of the 50s. Jeez.
This woman wrote this book because a lot of the time it works. It’s not the sexy that does it in the long run, it’s compliments and smiling at men that does it. It’s a finesse thing, though. You can’t be too obvious. When a person manipulates you well, you’re not supposed to know it. And most of the time you won’t until much later. Now, whether or not it should be done, depends on whether you’re a kill or be killed thinker or you just get so sick of competing over every little stupid f-ing thing. If you can’t… Read more »
I don’t understand why Hugo insists on placing the blame entirely on men each and every time he writes a piece. Where does Hugo think men get their ideas from? Let’s look at some evidence: it’s pretty obvious that when Charlie Sheen walks around with his “goddesses” they’re not interested in his intelligence or personality. It’s fairly obvious that Anna Nicole Smith didn’t really marry J. Howard Marshall because of his amazing conversational skills. And on a personal level, it was obvious time and again when I was a freshman in high school that at least some of my female… Read more »
Men get their ideas from other men. Therefore it is a men’s problem. Who reinforced those images out there of ‘images of women happily, and voluntarily, trading sex for status, power, and privilege,’ men. Who bought it? Men who end up objectifying women and women who end up objectifying themselves as only ‘worth sex’. Without feminism and placing responsibility back where it belongs women will continue to fall into this pattern that they are worth nothing but their looks. I’m not saying throw a fit and continue blaming men, but a patriarchal society IS responsible for this and that is… Read more »
So, to be clear, in your opinion a woman who decides access to Charlie Sheen’s money is worth putting up with his insanity bears ZERO responsibility for how she is perceived by the public? When I was 14 and my classmate decided she could flirt with me instead of doing her own chemistry lab work, I’m just supposed to pretend that didn’t happen and be totally unaffected by the message it sent me (to say nothing of my own emotions)? I’m sorry, but at some point people (men and women) must be held responsible for how their actions affect others.… Read more »
A woman (or ANYONE) doesn’t have control over how other people perceive or treat her, only her own actions whether to put up with his insanity. If you were hurt nobody can deny that. But whatever bitter experiences you or Allee had with women/men blame isn’t to be cast on any individual but instead the system. The root of the problem isn’t there because everyone has already adopted the model and are just playing their societal roles. Anyway, I’m not saying it is any individual man’s fault but patriarchy in general. Once we assume that one gender is “better” or… Read more »
So, what you’re saying is “the patriarchy” removes your need for personal responsibility.
Welp, whatever you need to tell yourself.
No….I never said that thank you for warping my statement. It does not remove ONE’s need for personal responsibility. Only that patriarchy is the root of the problem and it is wrong to attack individual men and women on this issue.
So:
Men get their ideas from other men. Therefore it is a men’s problem.
Anyway, I’m not saying it is any individual man’s fault but patriarchy in general.
does this mean that patriarchy is code for men as a group? I hope not.
But seriously you go from saying its men’s problem because we’re the ones perpetuating it but when Mike challenges you you respond by saying its the system that should be blamed. How simultaneously holding men and women both responsible for it?
No women are not responsible for the root idea that manifested through male force and control. That isn’t to say that they are not responsible for their actions now.
What’s insinuating to me is why men STILL cannot own up to their own sense of privilege and entitlement.
Glad we got that straight. I’m all for holding people responsible for what they do/don’t do. My problem comes in when people then try to hold someone responsible for something just because they have a certain characteristic. Like in your next comment below. I’m more than willing to own up the things that actually apply to me but that doesn’t I’m going to pretend that every little thing that’s wrong under the moon and stars is my responsibility just because I rolled an XY on the Chromosome Dice Shot. Do male entitlement/privilege exist? Yes they do. But does that mean… Read more »
To your last question… No it doesn’t, you’re right. I admit that while reading Mike’s comment some of my feelings came up on the fact that some men still refuse to recognize and give up their privilege by pushing responsibility off to women. When I first read “Where does Hugo think men get their ideas from?” my initial thought was “how could women possibly be responsible for the ridiculous idea that men are better and that women can only be recognized for their looks?”
Its cool. This is a heated topic already and people tend to bring their own fire. But I do agree that it’s unfair to hold today’s people responsible for a system that predates them by many, many, years be they man or woman, just because they are a man or woman.
I wish more men felt like Hugo but I just don’t see it in my own world. It seems that a lot of men let themselves be guided by sex appeal and even encourage it in women. Is that all men want? No. But I don’t see many men encouraging women to be kinder at the rate I see men encouraging women to have perfect bodies. Hugo: “She desperately needed an older male authority figure who would be uninterested in her sexually – and passionately excited about her other gifts. That’s not Puritanism, that’s professionalism and common sense. I know… Read more »
I agree across the board with this, Erin. I’m in the military and it’s awkward and embarrassing to watch men in their 30s fall all over themselves to talk to an attractive young 18-year-old. I don’t really know that this is something culturally fixable, unfortunately. I think Hugo did exactly the right thing, here. I also think, however, that his advantage is in knowing that he has fairly high erotic capital himself (based on the stories he tells). So he can be confident enough to tell a young woman she should stop flirting with him because he knows exactly what… Read more »
I think it’s culturally fixable. Because it’s something that’s been overly culturally embedded into us. Some people will still like younger or older people and that in itself isn’t wrong. But when you have 30 year old men that been fed the message that they don’t have to grow up until their 40, and that women have been taught since their childhood that their beauty matters most about them, that’s not about biology. If we require more of men, then I think more men would be happy to raise to that challenge. I think men really want to be strong… Read more »
I think another force at work (in regards to men at least) is the belief that until a certain age you just aren’t worth anything as a man. Well its really not age so much as how much wealth, power, status, etc… can attain. So while there are men out there that are waiting for the world to fall into their laps at 40 there are men that have been busting their asses since 20 while being written off being “too young”. Depending on the man (and what messages he’s been fed) its going to sometimes take expecting more of… Read more »
I couldn’t pay attention after the photo but the answer is yes to whatever you asked. While I wholeheartedly agree with your thesis that women shouldn’t beguile us with their luscious tatas and visually-pleasing hip-to-waist ratios. However, we live in a world where good-looking people are more successful. Hard work and the 7 habits of highly successful people go a very long way, however, every person is born with certain skills and assets and it’s up to them to make the most of them. Obviously, it’s unfair and creepy but it’s unfair that tall men tend to earn more money… Read more »
Just like you couldn’t pay attention after the photo, I couldn’t pay attention after “luscious tatas”. It’s not hte attraction to breasts that’s the problem. It’s the fact that a grown man uses the word “tatas” and still expects to be taken seriously.
Yes, you should only use the word “tatas” if you are raising money to fight breast cancer. In that case, be sure to use pink lettering to reinforce the point.
Waxing poetic about beautiful breasts or whatever the Erin-approved term is when he’s saying something obviously tongue-in-cheek would have sounded even more ridiculous. Although men love having women try to regulate what we’re allowed to do once we’re grown-ups, we really are capable of regulating ourselves.
It’s not a matter of trying to “regulate” anything. And taking it in that context does us both a disservice Rick. I didn’t tell him to “next time do x,y and z instead”. I just told him my reaction just like he shared his reaction. Good Man Project fights against the gender stereotypes that men aren’t any better then over grown frat boys. And I love that about Good Man Project. But if we want that message to be consistant, then we need to also look at the kind of words we use about each other and about ourselves.
Soooo, older women lose their libido. Someone needs to tell that to the group of 70+ (and when I say + I mean that some were into their 90’s) women in a therapy group at a social center. One week, a lively chatter went silent as I entered the room. I sat there for a minute and asked why they clammed up. After trading smiles and blushing a bit, one of them asked if it was okay to talk about sex in the group. The words, “of course” hardly left my mouth when they opened up a wonderful discussion of… Read more »
This kind of thing depresses me so much. It’s just a sad retread of the advice girls used to get about using their sex appeal to land a “good catch.” Maybe that was true in the days when women were economically dependent on men. These days, there is no excuse. That said, when I was doing a lot of temping in offices in my early 20’s, you bet I got jobs because the VP or whoever thought I was young and attractive. It happened — it isn’t hard to tell when someone is hiring you because they are attracted to… Read more »
Yes, women’s desire increases with age. Until menopause. This was a tough time for my wife and me. Her libido went to zero, and stayed there for about four years.
Some women do, some don’t. I’m sorry that happened to your wife. I worry about that, maybe more than wrinkles and grey hair. I’m hoping to keep my libido going strong as long as I am physically capable of having sex! Personally I think a lot of women lose their sex drive when they stop feeling physically attractive. Not sure if there is a solution to that, other than keeping a positive attitude about life. And fluctuating hormones can take their toll, do ‘t get me wrong. It happens to middle aged men too….
It’d be very hard to distangle the erotic from everything else. As a professor, I feel pretty safe with women who are attractive and not so smart, but an intellectual pretty woman is a danger, I’ll admit. For some reason, the vast majority of people I mentor are women. But I guess they can tell I’m not responsive to stilleto heels, because no one ever shows up wearing them. I distrust efforts to remove the (light) erotic and flirting from social life because I think that they’re part of the Purtian backlash we’re stuck with right now. The more the… Read more »
I don’t see a Puritan backlash so much as a highly pornified culture where young women have less sexual freedom to do what they themselves want than they did twenty of thirty years ago.
“Women have more erotic capital than do men, she writes, because of what she calls the “male sex deficit”: the fact that men want sex far more than women do, particularly after the age of 30.” Men start to want sex more than women do after 30? Forgive me, but not only does this claim run counter to my own experience, it flies in the face of the idea, which I understand still to be current, that male horniness peaks at about 16 and declines thereafter. (Only a few more years and I’ll start getting nostalgic for the good old… Read more »
But that horniness is replaced by a seemingly neverending pursuit to “prove he still has it”. And for those of us following the script of being a man what better way to show we still have it than to show that we just as sexually powerful in out 60s as we were at 18? So while male sexual prowess may decline after the teen years notice how the market for helping men continue to have strong sexual lives in their late years has blown up over the last decade (I’ve seen feminists complain about how Viagra is covered by insurance… Read more »
Well join the rest of us “unicorns”. Personally, i always thought sex was in the brain. i think women become more sexually liberated as they become older, not the other way around. At least that has been my experience or maybe i just found the right person with the right sexual energy, but he is a smart, thinking man. Just curious;why are intellectual, and pretty women dangerous?
TMI:
Am I the only that’s thinking, “If it wasn’t for the back of the chair being visible in the back of the shot that could look like she is sitting on a toilet.”?