Someone once told me that you can’t help who you fall in love with. My brain wanted to counter the statement with something, but I came up blank.
There was nothing I could say back. I always heard stories of toxic relationships full of abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and plenty of other stuff that people who love each other shouldn’t have in their relationship.
This simple phrase — can’t help who you fall in love with — destroyed my judgment in an instant.
I’d always been ready to judge a person for being in a relationship that was so obviously bad for them.
It’s their fault for staying! They should’ve known! They chose each other, now they have to live with their decision!
The judgmental thoughts would flood my cerebrum.
When I heard this concept, I immediately had to challenge those previous judgments and thoughts about every toxic relationship.
Were they not responsible for choosing one another? It seemed so simple before, but the unity of two people may actually be more complex than I ever thought.
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The Halo Effect
It all starts here.
The attraction — usually physical — will often cover attributes that we might otherwise criticize a person for having.
Every joke is funny. Every piece of hair is seemingly in the right spot. And the glow is undeniable.
The halo effect is real, and it usually hits two people who have a noticeable spark when they first encounter each other. They hit it off with some flirty banter and the personalities start to really show through.
This is just the beginning of the relationship, but everything feels perfect. It’s easy to open up. It’s easy to trust. It’s easy to laugh.
It’s especially easy to take that person’s side when they complain of past failed relationships for various reasons.
Obviously you could never believe that Romeo or Juliette had any flaws. They are perfect for one another. In a similar way, the halo effect makes two people believe in each other, without any real hesitation.
They don’t question validity. They aren’t skeptical. Every new subject coming up in conversation pulls them closer together.
There’s a true confidence that they have in one another.
In a sense, this effect is what has people saying, you can’t help who you fall in love with.
But as I thought about it more, it isn’t the falling that’s the most important. Falling for someone can happen with an attraction to a single smile or a charming personality.
That’s too simple.
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Maintenance
Choosing someone is a different story.
When you fall for someone and you start this journey together, eventually that halo begins to wear off.
It usually happens prior to the wedding bells signaling happy ever after. A lot of people get married fairly soon in their relationship, before that halo has fully weathered.
The problem with that timing is the couple hasn’t really gotten through challenging times. They haven’t problem solved much together and haven’t grown together through those issues, yet.
Once they get to marriage, the halo goes away, the gloves come off, and the insecurities and doubts start to pile up.
These doubts can lead a person to believe that their spouse somehow changed drastically.
In reality, there was no significant change other than the perception of them. They are no longer an invincible love force that doesn’t bleed.
They’re flawed.
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Choose Commitment Early On
The best way to avoid this problem is to recognize that the halo is indeed going to disappear, but decide that you’re not going anywhere even when it does.
A lot of people think they want to be together, and then they move in together to make sure that they’re compatible live-in partners.
Wait… what?
Doesn’t that seem contradictory? So they definitely want to be together, but then to make sure, they move in together?
This is actually a lack of commitment that is disguised as a smart decision. It’s so common that people don’t even realize they are doing it.
Instead of going into the marriage with the thought that they are going to give full effort to stay together no matter what, they go into it thinking, “there’s always divorce”.
Or they do something like move in together just to see if they could stand living with one another. That creates an underlying commitment issue that doesn’t just go away.
Those are two people that aren’t committing to the idea that they are going to make it work. Instead they’re saying, “let’s see”.
A way to counteract the lack of commitment is to decide early on that this is the person you’re going to be with, no matter the struggle.
It takes two, of course. And if one person is in an unsafe situation, obviously they have to make the best decision for their safety.
And I get it, some people change. Some people become seemingly unbearable and turn out to be a different person entirely.
All the more reason to let that halo effect wear off before making a big decision that could have long-term ramifications.
I always feel like anyone that gets married in the first year of knowing each other are taking a bigger risk than two people who’ve been together for years.
It’s because of the halo effect. Those two people know each other half as well as they think they do. But they might also overcome any doubt by committing to one another no matter what.
That is a beautiful thing.
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True Love
True love is looking at a person and seeing all their flaws, seeing everything that makes them human — all the imperfections, the little things that piss you off, the things that drive you mad — and loving them anyway.
Choosing to be with them through all the bullshit — that’s true love.
So, falling in love? That’s the easy part. Maybe you can’t help who you fall in love with. But even children can do it.
Maintaining it? That’s the real struggle. Relationships are made stronger when they have some wear and tear. When people grow together through problems.
There’s nothing like going into battle and knowing the person you’re bringing with you is going to support you through thick and thin — that’s the stuff that defines love.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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