Thank you for choosing Dad’s Kitchen for all your snacking needs. In order to make your after-dinner snacking more enjoyable, please read through this FAQ to get the most out of your experience. Once again, thank you for choosing Dad’s Kitchen.
Question: You just had dinner 5 minutes ago. Are you still hungry?
Answer: Many toddlers, children, or spouses find themselves wanting a snack after the dinner that dad spent the whole evening preparing. Rest assured, his feelings are indeed hurt. If you are still hungry, there are Cheez-Its on the top shelf of the pantry.
Question: Are his feelings really, really hurt?
Answer: Bigtime.
Question: If I am not eligible for a snack at this time, is there an appeals process?
Answer: Yes. Every thirty seconds ask the owner of Dad’s Kitchen if you can have a snack. Eventually, he will give up and curl into a ball. This is a sign that he is broken. At this point, you may go get a snack.
Question: What if I want a different snack than what is in the house?
Answer: It is best if you ask the owner of Dad’s Kitchen to put his shoes on and go get you that special snack. If he won’t do it, begin to cry. If you are a spouse, please bring up how your high school boyfriend would have done it. Then casually mention that you found him on Facebook. This emotional manipulation is a nice workaround to all your snacking needs.
Question: Should we tell the owner of Dad’s Kitchen how much we didn’t like the meal he just prepared?
Answer: You should only tell Dad’s Kitchen how much you didn’t like his meal when he is still eating that meal. That way, the full effect of your criticism can be felt on an emotional level. You see, the owner of Dad’s Kitchen thrives on the discontent of his customers. If you can make a gagging sound while you tell him how much you didn’t like it, you may have an extra snack on top of your snack.
Question: Can that snack be an apple?
Answer: Of course!
Question: But I don’t like apples.
Answer: Um….
Question: Banana?
Answer: Even better than the apple!
Question: I hate bananas even more.
Answer: Did your mother put you up to this?
Question: If Dad’s Kitchen prepared a nice chicken entre that required 1 and ½ hours to cook, plus a homemade sauce with sautéed onions, and the tears of his youth, can I throw this dish at his face while I ask for a snack?
Answer: That is the preferred method. So yes, please.
Question: At the end of dinner, I told you that I was all full. How much am I penalized for lying?
Answer: There is no penalty for lying to the owner of Dad’s Kitchen. In fact, it is often common courtesy to just shut your pie hole and eat your seven bites. Just eat for God’s sake. Why won’t you eat anything that I make you? Not everything has to be a nugget! And no, you cannot have nuggets as a snack!
Question: Can I have chicken nuggets for a snack?
Answer: Only if you go tell your mother that her high school boyfriend changed his relationship status to single.
Once again, thank you for visiting Dad’s Kitchen. Make sure you leave a positive review on yelp or…
Whatever, I don’t care anymore.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Unsplash