When Freddy’s teenage son started withdrawing, he knew something was up. Suspecting it might be related to his sexuality, Freddy sought to maintain an open line of communication with his son – and became a strong ally and defender in the process.
00:03
my name is Freddy Rojas and I’m from
00:06
Hoboken New Jersey in 1984 I graduated
00:09
high school and went straight into the
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army at the age of 17 when I got out of
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the military in 1987 three years later I
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went to work on Wall Street I met a girl
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once I started working shortly
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thereafter we wanted getting married we
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had two children together my first
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daughter Tiana
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beautiful little girl was born in August
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of 1988 a couple of months later she was
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diagnosed with a brain tumor and died
00:38
about a year and a half later we had a
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my son Fred about a year after that
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unfortunately things started going back
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to normal where our normal relationship
00:51
problems started to show their head
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again when Fred was about two years old
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one of getting divorced
01:00
fast forward get remarried again have
01:02
two more children
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he lives in Central Jersey now and I’m
01:06
in North Jersey so I’m traveling every
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Friday basically to pick him up and
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bring him home and have him spend the
01:13
weekends with with us we had a lot of
01:15
time to talk during our our trips
01:19
unfortunately I did a lot of the talking
01:22
wanted to find out how he was doing and
01:25
all that other good stuff but I
01:27
overwhelmed him with my words as opposed
01:30
to giving him room to open up and asking
01:33
open-ended questions as he got older his
01:35
mother got a job in North Carolina she
01:38
asked if it was okay for them to move
01:39
out of status as long as I don’t miss
01:41
out any of my visitation days they’d you
01:44
know be okay we worked out a schedule
01:46
moved to North Carolina for four years
01:48
came back and moved further south in
01:51
South Jersey so now I’m picking him up
01:53
on the weekends the same as I was before
01:55
but it’s taking a little longer it’s two
01:57
hours now he’s a sophomore in high
01:59
school and the conversations are kind of
02:05
getting quieter the trips are getting
02:07
quieter he’s not saying much we listen
02:08
to music more and
02:10
and I was getting a little concerned one
02:13
day we’re heading back to his house and
02:16
I asked him I said Fred what do you
02:18
think about sexuality you know if you
02:20
like boys or girls you know you’re a
02:22
4015 he paused he says I think I’m
02:25
bisexual I said okay well why do you say
02:28
that and it was well cuz I I liked both
02:32
boys and girls you know I like the
02:35
attention I get from gross but I think
02:37
I’m attracted to boys I’m not sure I
02:38
said oh okay
02:39
so I kind of left it that would kind of
02:41
move the conversation and say just a
02:43
generic conversation got to his house
02:45
and to his mother’s house and gave him a
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hug and a kiss like I normally would on
02:48
a Sunday afternoon on Sunday night and
02:50
went home and I remember on the way home
02:53
crying and I think that the the reason I
02:56
was crying I mean looking back is
02:58
because I I just feared that he was
03:01
going to be subjected to more bias more
03:06
bullying just different negative
03:10
experiences and I was not going to be
03:12
there for him all the time so those
03:14
conversations continued and I said less
03:17
and listened more as time went on when
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he started opening up and telling me
03:23
everything that he was going through and
03:25
the way he felt he would tell me he
03:27
would sit at night crying and praying
03:31
that he could turn straight so he
03:34
wouldn’t have to deal with these
03:35
feelings and to the confusion one day
03:40
sitting at work and I get a phone call
03:43
on my cell phone and it’s Fred and he
03:48
says hey daddy I need you to tell mom I
03:51
said I need you to tell my mom that I’m
03:54
gay and I go okay I said dude when I go
03:56
to pick up Friday you know I’ll tell her
03:58
ahead of time that I want to sit down
04:00
and we’ll talk we’ll sit down together
04:01
and he goes no I need you to do this
04:04
today I go but why he goes I need to
04:07
talk to her about something so I need
04:08
you to tell her today I said Fred that’s
04:11
not a good idea but what am I gonna do
04:13
you know he’s on the other phone on the
04:15
other line
04:16
you know 80 miles away or whatever he
04:18
was I figure let me just do it because
04:21
he’s asking me to do it I don’t want to
04:22
let him down
04:24
so I called his mother and I told her I
04:26
said hey you know Fred wanted me to give
04:29
you a call and and I apologize for
04:32
breaking it to you this way but he
04:34
wanted me to tell you that he’s gay
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she’s like what what are you talking
04:37
about why why are you doing this no no
04:39
no Fred needs to talk to you about
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something and he wanted me to tell you
04:43
ahead of time I didn’t agree with it
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don’t you know and I told the whole
04:47
reason why I didn’t want to do it she
04:50
was I’m gonna go talk to him now but you
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know I don’t appreciate you calling this
04:53
airing a problem 20 minutes later or so
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I’m sitting there trying to get my head
04:56
to back into work I get another phone
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call from Fred from Fred’s number again
05:01
I pick up the phone and well I hear is
05:05
his mother in the background saying
05:07
stuff to him and I’m saying hello hello
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hello and Fred’s crying hysterically and
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I’m saying hello hello I was just
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heartbroken now I’m starting to cry and
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I’m trying to get my you know act
05:19
together at work and I’m panicking
05:23
because I don’t know what is going on
05:24
over there and I can’t talk to my son
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he’s not picking up the phone but he
05:27
wants me to hear what’s going on so I
05:29
call his mother up she doesn’t pick up
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the first time so I keep calling
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eventually she picks up and I said I
05:36
said you out of your mind you know what
05:38
he turned to the guy he’s trying to tell
05:39
you that he’s gay you know he’s trying
05:40
to get you to accept him and you’re
05:41
saying all this stuff to me she was it I
05:43
never said that I never said that stuff
05:45
and I go I was on the line I heard you
05:47
he had the phone on while I was
05:49
listening to you you know she got very
05:50
defensive and basically shot me write
05:52
down things eventually got good between
05:56
them but there was a couple of years
05:58
where that relationship was very very
06:01
bad I’m glad that my son had the
06:04
confidence to come to me and the
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confidence to know that I was going to
06:09
support him fast forward two years or so
06:12
now Fred’s mom is starting to become
06:14
more accepting on my side though my
06:19
second wife is now showing some of her
06:25
true colors Donna come out she’s showing
06:27
some concerns that she doesn’t want Fred
06:31
act in a certain way you know she does
06:32
want to act acting too gay a house
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because she doesn’t want the other kids
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to think that that’s okay
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and she doesn’t want him to bring
06:39
boyfriends to the house that never
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really got better eventually we want to
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get divorced about a year a year and a
06:47
half after that maybe two years later so
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I got remarried again so I had two other
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children and this time it’s for keeps
06:58
this time this my wife my current wife
07:04
is a very loving accepting and
07:10
non-judgmental person fred was able to
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see that very early on in the
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relationship and had developed a very
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strong relationship with my wife so I’m
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happy to report that years later after
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all of these hard times you know time
07:26
heals all wounds and now fred has a very
07:30
good relationship with his mother my
07:31
ex-wife
07:32
I believe she’s also warmed up I know
07:34
that she gets together with Fred and she
07:37
tries to reach out at least to establish
07:40
a connection there I think it’s
07:43
important for folks to number one talk
07:46
to the children understand not just
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about sexuality about what’s going on in
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their lives about how they feel about
07:55
depression about happiness about
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everything because it all kind of comes
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into play you know I saw that my son was
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suffering during his teenage years but I
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didn’t know why I didn’t know what was
08:08
bothering him the last thing I thought
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would be related to sexuality you know
08:13
and but it’s important to talk to your
08:17
children about everything to ask them
08:19
about how they feel sexually if they’re
08:23
comfortable with who they are and if
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they’re not or if they are either way
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talk about it you know it’s always worth
08:30
a conversation
08:49
you
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[Music]
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