Next April, I will have had been someone’s son-in-law for a decade. For anyone married for ten years, you know a bit more than a little what this means. Having a father-in-law, they see or hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly. They laugh with you, cry with you, and are proud of you. That is, if you’re not a complete jerk-off.
My father-in-law helps me in tough times, we collaborate on some things, and he asks for my feedback on things that I know about. He’s from the country and I’m a city boy, so while there are differences in our pasts, there is a lot of interesting conversation, and a lot of things we have common ground about.
We both care about a lot of the similar things. We both want to develop our own businesses. We both also are altruistic and care about the lesser fortunate. We both enjoy great, homemade food. And we both have a desire to see the world become a better place.
The irony is, these awesome father/son moments are with someone who is not my own father.
My dad kicked me out when I was 16, and again at 17. I wasn’t the most horrible kid, but I know I was troublesome. I wasn’t easy to deal with, but studies are starting to show that this behavior most likely stems from being beat and ridiculed in these formative years. My father was probably ignorant, but that is just how things were.
Over the years, I reattempted to reconnect and reconcile with my dad, but my intruding into his life here and there was not welcomed. So, eventually, I stopped calling. It’s been fifteen years.
Being a champion of human and civil rights, concern towards minorities and the poor, and a hands-off approach to foreign policy, my political alliances started to shift.
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So, when I got married, I was the first “son” he had amidst four daughters of his. I was glad to see that my new father figure was a likable guy and could easily be a surrogate dad. We were both religious and Republican.
However, in almost ten years a lot can change. Being a champion of human and civil rights, concern towards minorities and the poor, and a hands-off approach to foreign policy, my political alliances started to shift. Additionally, from deeply and lengthily studying my religion and its history, I also left my religion.
This is kind of a big deal. Now, the very things my father-in-law and I talked about (outside of family and job chatter) are no longer on common ground. Religious people—particularly politically interested ones—tend to be pretty venomous about their stances on things.
Many families (so I hear) have many arguments on the side-tracking issues, such as pro-choice, militarization, social welfare, humanitarian aid, refugees, food donation, immigration, financial tribute, et al. Some political parties for some of these things while being against others, and other parties are on the flip-side of the coin.
For some family members, a couple of these issues can mean whether or not you’ll talk to a family member or not. And to the new guy in the family, you can symbolically be the “Meat Head” in your own All in the Family.
While my father-in-law and I haven’t talked much about religion recently, we do talk about other issues. We care about the poor, the hungry, invasions into other countries, and that our leaders to have integrity and ability. If there is a disagreement we’re passionate about, we both feel it’s better to delve into those conversations with other people who sympathize with our views.
I wish I could talk with him about certain things. I wish I could explain why I left his religion. I wish I could present the evidence against some of the histories he believes are true. I wish we could ridicule conspiracy theories together. But I cannot, so I do so with my friends.
Disagreements and bickering can be a norm for other families, but trivial arguments are not welcomed between us. We don’t agree on everything, but we have silently agreed on one thing: we want our relationship with each other not to be strained.
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