So Father’s Day is fast approaching (or has already been, depending on when you’re reading this) and it will be my first as a Dad! It has only really just occurred to me that I am on the other side of that day now, and it feels odd that I should have a day devoted to me, to thank me for being a Dad.
This got me thinking about all of the Fathers (and Mothers) out there who might be feeling unworthy of such celebration, especially in the face of having had their ability to provide pulled from under them on such a grand scale.
I think this past year, perhaps more than any other, we are calling into question our ability to guide our kids and provide for them effectively. The covid pandemic and our collective response to it has wrought chaos for many. Whatever the case for you personally though; it has doubtlessly called into question the certainty of our future as an economic society.
How am I supposed to provide for my kids?!
It is a stereotype (and perhaps an unnecessary one these days) that it falls to the Father of the household to provide for the family monetarily. I’m not really here to argue for or against that. It is, however, how it is for lots of folks.
Most fathers, I’m sure want to help out with the early stages of their kids’ development; changing diapers, getting up in the night to help with feeds etc… but the fact is that biological males can’t physically give care in certain areas, and they don’t need time off from work due to the physical limitations placed on them by pregnancy and childbirth.
So what else is there to do? Get out there and bring home the bacon (so to speak).
Thanks to the pandemic though, the ability to do this has been cut off at the knees for vast swathes of the Western World. Fathers, and indeed; parents in general, have had to subsist on government handouts. In many cases, these have been fairly punitive, but I’m not as concerned with the amount so much as the mindset they instill in the adult population.
I’m by no means saying that this is purely the preserve of fathers, or men more broadly. I know that many mothers have been faced with the same hardship, I am just writing as a father and speaking more from that perspective.
The psychology around being forced onto a government handout and told not to work can be a very damaging one. Yes of course, in the short term these things can be understood as necessary for survival and intellectualized away. But what happens over time is that the subconscious is drip-fed evidence, through a prolonged emotional/energetic state, that you are unworthy. That you are not valued.
OK, but what can we do to change that?
As with anything in life; change starts within. If we want to effect change in any area of our life, we have to make the internal shift towards it first. Just because we find ourselves in unprecedented times, does not mean that the same universal laws and principles do not still apply.
This always used to be accepted as being particularly true of men, but I think women are becoming just as guilty of it now: so many of us think that the acquisition of a higher social status totem, is going make the shift internally for us.
Put another way: acquiring that newer model of car, fancy watch, bigger house, yacht etc… will do the work of turning us into abundantly natured people by default. A cliché as old as time (or the existence of money anyway) is that money can’t buy you happiness.
I do take issue with this ubiquitous saying and have written articles on the matter because I don’t think it means quite what most people think it does. A lot of people use it in a limiting capacity, as if to say; “don’t bother trying to be wealthy or rich, because you will de facto become unhappy.” That’s not true and I think it’s used in such a defeatist way, usually with the not-so-subtle subtext of: “I don’t want to try. It’s hard. I’ll use this as an excuse and pretend I’m happy about it.”
Money, as with every other facilitator that exists, comes with nothing but the emotional weight we give it. It’s all about our intentions. Set out to improve your net worth, so that you can enjoy more freedom and time with your loved ones (or anything else that makes you happy) – and it will make you happy. Attach the crippling emotional weight of ‘lack’ to money though, and no matter how much you make – you will always be stressed about money and living in scarcity.
Bringing this back to Fatherhood and parenting…
As I discussed with my great friend Melanie Fine recently, for an article she wrote on the subject of parenting:
Our children are painfully out of our control. The best we can do is become the people we wish to be. Our children will inevitably respond to what we transmit.
As parents, the point that we need to ‘become the change we seek’ is all the more acute. We have these incredible, small human sponges in our midst that don’t have the acumen to articulate their feelings properly and can’t intellectualize with the same capacity that we can. We have deeply buried subconscious beliefs based on years of emotional input, and they are forming theirs now!
We have to communicate with them through our actions and really being the people we want them to become. That doesn’t mean that we artificially keep a lid on our anxieties about the future, it means that we actively seek that future and embody who we want to be in it, now!
It is far too easy to allow seemingly overwhelming external factors, to cause us to backslide into a space of lack. While the apple cart of societal norms may appear to have been overturned, the universe is still the universe and the principles thereof are no different.
So if you’re a Dad (or a Mom) and you’re finding the current climate is causing you despair or depression, and you‘re concerned about the impact this will have on your kids – here’s my encouragement to your in 4 steps:
- Understand that your feelings are coming from your subconscious, having been drip-fed over time with emotional energy and be ok with that.
- Find a daily practice that can bring your awareness back to the present moment.
- This could be meditation, breath work, whatever works for you in order to become fully present and aware.
- From that neutral space of the present moment, accept your power to start making choices in a new direction, by being conscious and intentional.
- Create intentions that are deliberately linked to consciously-chosen outcomes – and then focus on the emotional state of those outcomes.
- This will give you an emotional intelligence, that will allow you to step into the necessary thought processes, habits and behaviours to bring about your desired outcome with greater ease.
In essence; you need to cultivate a mindfulness within yourself, that allows you to connect to, and choose your outcomes. In not doing so, you are allowing yourself to be at the mercy of circumstance and perpetuating the subconscious belief that you are a powerless victim. This will have a huge impact on your kids and how they view themselves in the world.
Once you can connect with your desired outcomes and the emotional intelligence associated with them, even during the chaos and uncertainty of others; you will have the clarity to make expansive decisions. What better example to follow could any child have?
—