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Children leave home with skills learned from their parents. When the parents teach as a team, the results are much better. You can count on seeing your children in the world the way you have taught them to be at home.
The first article in this series focused on dads teaching children to expect comfort from them, which leads to confident children.
The second article dealt with teaching children to choose within established guidelines, which helps them learn to be responsible family and society members.
This third installment in the series on fathers and bedtime routines encourages dads to remain close and supportive as they let children go on their own a little bit at a time in the direction of independence.
Offering your children choices in the different steps of the bedtime routine develops a sense of the power they have to choose the direction for themselves. Your approval is the fuel for their self-image.
Children’s independence is built on learning they are always loved and have a choice in participating in the world around them.
You are raising children who will be able to know what is best for themselves and others while keeping their emotions directed to good for all.
Supporting Family and Society
As children go through the evening routines you have developed with their mother, they repeatedly anticipate what comes next. They learn to put on their pajamas after their bath, not before. They anticipate a story and quiet time with you after they put on their pajamas, not before.
As they develop so does dadKeep in mind your own ability to choose how you connect with your kids in the evening. It’s not easy after a long day to come home and keep on working. Try looking at the home as your real job, and fathering as your most important role at home.
Be aware that as you manage your own irritation, hurry, dissatisfaction, you are helping them become confident, As they get older they will imitate your demeanor—or learn to avoid you.
Keep your frustration to a minimum by regularly returning to a practice of looking, listening, speaking with the dedication to comfort.
Gradually the evenings you have structured will require less and less of your direction. The time you have dedicated to building their understanding and self-confidence will pay off in their adolescence for them and you.
As they develop keep in mind that you are not off duty during the evening just because you’re tired and can imagine not having to teach or watch or listen to them. But you do. The evening is the proving ground of good fathers.
Many dads expect unrealistically their children are capable of being emotionally strong enough to do homework, sit still at dinner, not get into quarrels. But they are not. Not yet. The true test is whether and how you manage your feelings in response to theirs.
Mistakes without fear of shaming or punishment
Because our children depend upon us for their very existence, fear of our disapproval and possible disappearance from their lives can start a fear-based relationship that lasts a lifetime.
Shaping with Praise
Many of us grew up expecting punishment for making mistakes or not doing what was expected. Ask yourself if you preferred praise or threats? Encouragement or disapproval?
The emphasis on moving children towards independence brings the challenge for us to let them know they can, even if they haven’t.
Let’s look at brushing teeth for example. Your infant had to learn to let you do the brushing before learning to take over the responsibility. Now your child knows how to brush, but probably needs your attention to make sure those teeth get clean. Your job has shifted from doing to guiding. This is a general description of what involved fathers do.
A final word about positive reinforcement. There is no such thing as too much praise—if you are sincere. When you really mean what you say to your child about their accomplishments, interests, kindnesses, those children will grow into your view of them.
These methods of positive reinforcement bear mentioning:
Praise: Find something to approve of when they are learning.
Rewards: just like you and me they appreciate being rewarded with what they value. Be sure to give them rewards for trying.
If the evening bedtime choice process is thorough, it spans physical, emotional and mental experiences. Providing structure for decisions about how and in what order bedtime proceeds is enough to generate confidence and security. If we, as dads, remain deeply aware of our children during this nightly routine and simultaneously observe and direct our own thinking and feeling, our children will grow and expand in their respect for themselves, the world and them in it.
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Photo credit: Getty Images