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I have heard a lot of parents tell their kids, “Do as I say, not as I do.” This saying seems to be the go-to phrase for most adults with children who have mimicked an undesirable behavior that they learned from observing either one or both of their parents. Anything from foul language, to smoking and alcohol, parents will use this phrase to reign in their “unruly” children. However, this phrase is not a form of disciplinary correction, as so many of us have intended it to be. Rather, it is instead a hypocritical statement. Parents, tend to use this as a way to alleviate guilty feelings they may have over their child having picked up their undesirable habit and, in a way, shift the blame and attention from themselves to their child who was simply doing what comes naturally. Attempting to mimic social and behavioral practices that they have assumed to be acceptable as demonstrated to them by their parents.
My father, while I was growing up, would often express his deep dislike for the “Do as I say” parenting line. He taught my siblings and me that as a family leader, there is no room for hypocrisy, especially in raising his children. My parents ran a daycare out of our home for 18 years and during that time, we all learned a lot about children. One thing that became clear immediately, is that children are incredibly intelligent. They are also quick-witted and soak up behavioral and social lessons and information, whether good or bad, like a sponge. Their reasoning and thinking abilities may be simple, but their learning capabilities far surpass their adult counterparts. A child only has to witness an action or behavior once from a parent or other adult in order to form a habit. If they see that the behavior or action in question is rewarded with the desired consequence, they are more likely to take on this behavior and put it into practice. This is where bad habits start.
You may say, “This is all very interesting, but how do I, as a father, stop these bad habits or prevent them from occurring in the first place?” the answer is simple. You may remember a previous article I have written for the Good Men Project that covers the importance of an active parenting role, and how my father made it his mission in life to be an active teacher and role model for his kids. That is the answer. My father taught us that, instead of teaching your kids to “Do as you say” you should instead “Live what you say.” If you tell your kids that keeping their room clean is important, your room should be clean and pulled together every morning. If you tell them that swearing is unacceptable, then you should refrain from using foul language both in their presence and when not in their company. If you tell them that drugs, smoking, and alcohol are bad for them, then they are bad for you too, and they are not allowed in your home.
By teaching ourselves to live what we say, we condemn and rebuke hypocrisy in the eyes of our children, and further instill trust and respect, which gives children a game plan and a desire to be obedient and receive praise for good habits they have formed from observing you. It is, however not just obedience that we teach in living what we say, but we in turn model the character trait of honesty. By seeing that we follow our own rules, we show our children that everything we say and do is black and white. There are no secrets, no hypocrisy, and no lies to hide. We demonstrate honesty in our actions that are then reinforced by our expectations, thus encouraging our children to do the same.
Those who practice “Live what you say” tend to see their children being more honest with them because they have witnessed and have learned this from observation. When we are honest and straightforward about what we do and what we say, our children are more likely to do the same. In turn, we enable fathers to rebuke hypocrisy and restore honesty in their homes and in their children.
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