—
A recent meeting dedicated to fathers and families focused attention on bringing men closer to their children. Twenty female social workers, most of them under 40 years old, discussed how to help men be involved with their children and families. After a break, four male panelists joined in the conversation.
Of the four men, three were black and one was white, ranging in ages from 23 to 70. When the meeting ended we had agreed on several points, including the following:
Fathering is exhausting hard work, and that isn’t part of the conversation boys and young men hear.
Most men grow up with fathers who are emotionally unavailable to help them accept and understand this challenge.
Most women don’t realize that men who withdraw or dominate do so because they fear their own vulnerability.
Generally, the panelists encouraged the social workers to be assertive in helping men find their fathering skills. Several women’s hesitation to challenge fathers grew into encouragement to be confident about the fathers’ ability, rather than fearful of their hesitation.
One young woman recounted how when she arrived at the home, the father left to go exercise, rather than staying to participate in planning his son’s life.
Young or old, men are called to look within themselves for guidance in being fathers. Encouraging men to trust themselves requires the courage to ask them, “What aren’t you trusting in yourself?”
◊♦◊
If you’re a father who isn’t feeling connected to his child, you need redirection. That’s what this article is here to do. It’s the same method we suggested to the social workers. Ask yourself: what do I desire for my child?
The question is intended to challenge you to your own self-discovery. As you answer this question, you will find wisdom enough to lead you and your child.
You are what you need.
Young or old, accept that you already have the potential fathering knowledge you need inside you. This understanding is within all males. It is part of our nature. Just like walking or learning to talk, it comes about naturally. It’s there in seed from within and requires our acceptance and use of it to grow. Just trust it, reach for it, and pay attention to your feeling of joy.
Here’s a simple three-step rule to help you access your inherent wisdom: stop, look, listen. Start by trying each of these separately. Once you get the hang of one, move on to the next. Eventually, over time, they will become healthy, wisdom cultivating habit.
Stop often to notice your thinking and your breathing.
Simple as this sounds, it takes and mental discipline. Without this discipline, your mental and emotional habits will rule you. Stopping to notice your breath offers a moment to see your behavior and decide if you approve. You can stop by simply counting five consecutive breaths.
Once you have counted five breaths consecutively, breathe five more. As you do, let the words accepting and understanding ride in and out with your breath.
Accepting (in)
Understanding (out)
After five or more breaths, look around you at the ‘outside’ world. Go back to what you were doing with new energy.
Look at the three elements which make up our experience. Another form of breathwork is noticing the ‘you’ that is:
Physical
Emotional
Mental
While aware of your in and out breaths, practice moving through physical, then emotional, then mental awareness. As you breathe, simply pay attention to each one, let it go, move on to the next. This practice brings an understanding of our three-part experience that is deeper, quieter, more understanding.
Listen to your own father relationship.
Now that you’ve stopped and looked, take a moment to hear what your heart holds in relation to your own father.
Think of your father and breathe accepting and understanding again on the in and out breath.
Let yourself recall and experience whatever comes up in you about you and your father.
Allow the emotion and imagery of the memory to become your guidance with your own child.
Ask this question: If I were my child, what would I want from my father? What do/did you need?
Wisdom is permanent and always there waiting. Generations of fathers have contributed to your presence, and you are capable of drawing on their wisdom whether you are young and old. Now.
—
By Bob Rannigan & Eddie Harris
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo credit: Getty Images