The term Fearful Avoidant (aka disorganized attachment) describes a person who both desires and intensely fears emotional closeness and intimacy.
What is a relationship “trap door”?
A term I’m using to describe the behaviour (I’m guilty of as an FA) of subconsciously identifying a reason to end a relationship, before it even starts — as a strategy for allowing the relationship to even begin.
What it looks like in practice
Realizing something about our values don’t align in a significant way. (Example: Drug use, values around sex, political beliefs, or maybe just a dislike of the way they spend their time.)
OR
There’s some kind of barrier in the way. (Example: They live far away, they’re expecting a child with someone else — yep, or an age difference.)
Essentially, it’s anything that your brain has subconsciously calculated to represent a potential problem, which then causes you to feel more open to trying out a relationship, or suddenly being more interested in someone — when you were on the fence before.
Unlike a helpful strategy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where a person is addressing fears directly and dispelling worst case scenario thinking (catastrophizing), a trap door can lead to: inappropriate behaviour — pursuing someone who isn’t available, becoming attached to someone who isn’t a good fit, or allowing a relationship to go on too long.
Why would a Fearful Avoidant be prone to using this strategy in dating?
Because people who appear to be available and interested in us are scary.
Joking (not joking) aside, I’m not sure they are prone to building in a trap door, but as an FA, this has been my experience.
Because an FA is in a tug of war between two opposite needs (desire and fear of closeness), there’s a lot of confusion and anxiety, and it’s hard to trust yourself to make a decision about dating someone.
Like sabotaging a relationship through cheating, or choosing someone unavailable, having a trap door (an ace up your sleeve) is another way of protecting oneself against feeling vulnerable. Unlike the first two things though, I think with a trap door there’s more of an intention to create space to feel this out safety.
When and how did you realize you were doing this?
While there wasn’t really any rush to date when I was in high school, I perceived there to be one. I felt like I was falling behind — not being able to date easily like my friends. But at the same time, if there was a relationship on the horizon, pretty quickly I’d start feeling anxious and afraid of getting trapped in a situation I didn’t want to be in. I thought I needed a good reason to end a relationship — if I chose to, which led to this work around of having a trap door — to meet my desire to attempt a relationship, the way it seemed like everyone else was.
After my marriage ended in my thirties, I was attempting to date again — which wasn’t going super well. I was lonely and repeatedly falling into romantic obsession (limerence). In some cases relationships began, other times not, but either way, I was freaked out by the roller coaster of emotions. Unlike when I was young, it no longer felt worth it.
I had no choice but to start unpacking years of buried thoughts, feelings, and experiences around dating and attachment.
That’s when I noticed, among other unhealthy strategies, this trap door trick, I’d subconsciously been using to dial down my anxiety enough to try out a relationship.
While I’d done the best I could at the time with the attachment style I apparently had, I’d developed a destructive coping skill. And while it wasn’t my fault, it was my problem.
Now that you know, what difference has it meant …
Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just go back to when I didn’t have words to describe things I was struggling with — there is a kind of bliss to the ignorance. When you don’t know you’re role in the problem, it’s easy to keep pivoting to new situations and having hope. Being aware means having to change, which can feel harder at times. But when you experience enough pain, like I have, there’s only one way to move forward, and that’s consciously.
Now, when I’m getting to know someone new, I’m listening for compatibility and paying attention to how I feel around the person.
No one is perfect, so if things come up that could be red flags — but I’m not sure if it’s just me looking for a reason not to give things a chance, I make a mental note to keep an eye on things. I try to take it slow (which is easy when you barely meet people or date). I also try and remind myself that I am free to end any dating situation at any time — whether I have a “good enough” reason or not.
I still get confused over the degree to which my attachment style is getting in the way of potentially good relationships vs. it genuinely not being the right match, but at least I’m being conscious about it now — and that’s more than I could say before.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Kerin Gedge on Unsplash
