Have you ever felt like your sex life has been stolen?
Do you believe that women are the gate keepers of your sexuality?
Are you concerned that your masculine sensuality will never be honestly expressed until you get the permission and approval from your partner?
Many men answer “yes” to those questions.
I used to believe the answers were “yes” too.
Now I know differently. And you can too.
The Sexual Prison is in Your Head
Many men feel imprisoned by society, their upbringing or even their marital vows.
Societal programming has brainwashed them into believing their masculine sensual and sexual nature is something they should be ashamed of.
They’ve been raised to be quietly embarrassed about their natural craving for intimate connection, sensual touch and sexual pleasure.
And they feel their marital vows have locked them into an inescapable, monogamous prison where they solemnly wait for the gatekeeper to give them the nod of permission.
But the truth is they are sitting in a cell with an unlocked door and no guard.
They can leave anytime they want…but they don’t.
The fear of walking out the door and simply being who they want to be is paralyzing.
It’s all in their head.
What if You Just Walked Out of the Prison Cell?
I had a client once who was determined to walk out of his unguarded cell of sexual shame.
He didn’t care what it took. He needed to shock himself into owning who he was and what he wanted.
I asked him, “What would be the most grandiose demonstration of your reclaimed freedom?”
He thought for a minute and said, “The most outrageous thing I can think of is if I told my mother that I love to eat p*ssy! That would prove I’m afraid of nothing anymore.”
“Really?” I said. “What’s the worst that could happen if you do that?”
And so it was decided.
He sat down one Saturday morning over coffee with his mom. He could smell bacon sizzling on the stove as he sat nervously at the 36-inch round Formica kitchen table he grew up with.
She said, “How have you been, dear?”
He said, “Great, mom! Hey, I’ve got to get something to get off my chest I’ve been too embarrassed to tell anyone. So I’m telling you.”
“What is it, honey?” she asked.
“Mom. I just love to eat p*ssy.”
“That’s nice, dear. Do you want some breakfast?”
Yeah. It was that easy.
And his life started changing from that day on. True story.
What if You Just Lived a Life of Intimacy, Sensuality and Sexuality?
What if living an intimate, sensual and sexual life wasn’t a place to get to?
What if it was a place you must come from?
What if all you had to do every single day was the equivalent of telling your mom you love to eat p*ssy?
Living a life of intimacy, sensuality and sexuality requires you to come from those places. You must embrace the scary edge of what it means to show up in relationships as an intimate man.
You must be unashamed of expressing your sensual thoughts and feelings.
And you must unapologetically invite and initiate sensual play and sexual interactions.
The choice to do otherwise is like sitting in an unguarded, unlocked prison cell.
You can do anything you want and you can BE anyone you like. Nobody has a gun to your head.
The Gun to Your Head
I know the feeling.
The fear of speaking our truth can feel like a virtual gun to the head.
We’re afraid of being rejected…again.
Being called a pervert.
Being mocked, scolded or belittled.
Being laughed at.
These fears are what keeps us sitting on the edge of our bunk inside the unguarded, unlocked cell.
We choose to play it safe and do nothing.
Actually, it’s not nothing.
We might whine, complain, argue, beg, debate, blame and negotiate for slivers of what we want.
We give absolute power to someone else to regulate our experience of intimacy, sensuality and sexuality.
And that’s a miserable life.
What Are My Options?
Your options are plenty…if you dare to exercise them.
The world is full of opportunities to play in the realm of intimacy, sensuality and sexuality.
I believe you must learn to play in all those realms with the world – without shame or apology.
You were not meant to place all of your eggs in one basket. It’s impossible for your partner to be the sole source of your intimate experiences.
She never signed up to be your prison guard or the keeper of your happiness and satisfaction.
She doesn’t want you to get those from her. She wants you to come to her with those already inside you.
Instead of pursuing intimate, sensual and sexual experiences you must learn to create them.
This means you must boldly create intimate, emotional and vulnerable conversations. Do this with your friends, your co-workers, your mother and your partner…whenever the mood strikes you. Push that scary edge. Treat intimacy just as you do the air you breathe. It’s not negotiable.
Playfully delve into the world of sensuality. Read, watch, listen and share with others what you’re thinking, what you like and what you desire. Learn to touch, hug, kiss, compliment and love others without fear or expectation. Practice receiving those with a gracious, open heart.
Shamelessly express your sexual nature. It’s normal and natural to be a sexual being. It’s food for your soul. Reset your mindset of scarcity, uncertainty and trepidation. Instead, offer, invite and initiate from a place of self-respect, self-love and outcome independence.
Intimacy, sensuality and sexuality are your gifts to offer the world…they are not a place you need to find or get to.
They are a place you must come from.
And to do that you must walk out of that prison cell under your own power – without asking for permission.
Will This Fix My Sexless Marriage?
Will pushing this scary edge fix your sexless marriage?
I don’t know. Maybe.
One thing I know for sure is that it will make you feel happier and more confident. Those two things should be your priority before trying to fix anything else. Becoming independent of any specific outcome is critical and you can’t do that if you’re not happy or confident.
Another thing I know for sure is doing more of the same won’t fix anything and it will only get worse.
Complaining won’t fix it.
Begging won’t fix it.
And negotiating won’t fix it.
Sometimes a sexless marriage is rejuvenated when you decide to walk out of your unguarded, unlocked prison cell and simply become an intimate, sensual and sexual person and partner.
You take responsibility for living a life of your choosing – taking back your power to experience one of the most amazing parts of being a human being.
You let go of controlling, threatening or manipulating your partner to make you happy. You just invite her to join you in the intimate, sensual and sexual life you are going to live – one way or another. (By the way, if the roles are reversed the same concepts apply)
No rules. No demands. No judgment.
Just a simple invitation.
If you’re a man who wants to learn how to create a more intimate, sensual and sexual life, I wrote this free ebook just for you. Get straight talk on fixing your life in The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage HERE.
Photo: Tina Franklin/Flickr