Jennifer Gunsaullus offers a new means for verbal consent in bed.
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I’m recently single after the end of a 5-year monogamous relationship, so negotiating sexual interactions with new men is back on the table. I’ve started dating, moving slowly to get my bearings and allow things to unfold at a pace that feels right. This matters to me both emotionally and sexually. During a recent sexual encounter with a man I’d been on a few dates with he surprised me with the question: “Are you feeling pressured?” It was our first time doing anything sexual and we were slowly progressing through a sensual evening. His question gave me pause. Was I? I did not want to have intercourse, but how far did I want to go, and was he pushing those boundaries? I appreciated his willingness to check in with me.
Compare this to another recent situation with a different male friend, where I blatantly stopped his sexual progress. He acquiesced, but had an odd look on his face. When I questioned him, he stammered a bit. “You stopped me like you didn’t want me to do that, but I think you do want me to do that.” “No,” I said, “I didn’t.” While I was experiencing sexual interest and arousal, that didn’t mean I just wanted to charge ahead.
Men and women often perceive sexual interest and consent in different ways. Recent research (1) on gender and consent found that men seemed confident they knew how to read their female partner’s consent, and relied on nonverbal signals. However, women responded that they were more likely to use verbal indicators to actively give consent. Another research (2) study found men where more likely to perceive sexual interest from women in situations where it was not present, especially if they deemed her physically attractive. Women, on the other hand, underestimated the sexual interest of men. In addition, males are socialized to be the initiators and aggressors in sexual situations, so pushing boundaries is how they learn to make sexual activity happen. Females are often socialized to be nice, non-confrontational, and “good girls,” so rocking the boat by slowing down or halting intimate situations can feel so uncomfortable and inappropriate, they will avoid it. Combine all of these factors and we can see how sexual miscommunication can be the norm.
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I highly admire and appreciate being asked, “Are you feeling pressured?” for several reasons. He asked for verbal consent, instead of making assumptions. He noticed I was not rushing the process and wanted to check in. His tone of voice conveyed care and concern, and a genuine interest in my well-being.
He asked for verbal consent, instead of making assumptions…His tone of voice conveyed care and concern, and a genuine interest in my well-being.
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And he stated it as a passive question, compared to asking, “Am I pressuring you?” I was asked to respond to how I was feeling, instead of being asked to make a direct accusation. This language made a big difference to me because I felt more comfort to respond honestly. This subtle but critical difference helped accommodate the socialized “good girl” in me.
Was I feeling pressured? After a pause, and a quick emotional and physical scan of the situation, I responded, “No, you’re not pressuring me. I’m OK. And thank you for asking.” Even with my self-awareness and comfort around sexual conversations, I still had to pause and reflect. An important part of consent is knowledge of self in any moment, which includes one’s sense of safety, desire, arousal, attraction, fears, expectations, identity, and alcohol consumption. These are complex topics. I appreciated his awareness that helped me reflect on mine.
(1)
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23919322
(NOTE: I could only find the abstract available online.)
(2)
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Photo credit: William Warby/flickr
“America is going to be a place where it will be as dangerous to be a heterosexual man as it previously was to be a heterosexual woman.”
This is one of the most ridiculous statements I’ve ever read.
For the last 40 years men have been told that we are all potential rapists, abusers and pedophiles who need to be constantly watched. We cannot be trusted under any circumstances. Read anything by Amanda Marcotte or Andrea Dworkin for proof.
Clayton said: “America is going to be a place where it will be as dangerous to be a heterosexual man as it previously was to be a heterosexual woman.” This is one of the most ridiculous statements I’ve ever read.” Wes Carr said: “For the last 40 years men have been told that we are all potential rapists, abusers and pedophiles who need to be constantly watched. We cannot be trusted under any circumstances. Read anything by Amanda Marcotte or Andrea Dworkin for proof.” For me, there is some truth to both of these comments. I do think it’s over… Read more »
Awesome comments John.
Also I believe it shows that you actually care about the relationship as opposed to the end goal of X. When checking in with your partner, not only are you making sure that this moment is okay, but you are letting her know that you care about her as a whole person. The act of checking in helps to makes sure she understand and experiences the genuine care you have for her. Also as the relationship develops that’s when the intuition for each other will form, and there will be less need to check in (not that it will be… Read more »
“Also I believe it shows that you actually care about the relationship as opposed to the end goal of X.” So if your end goal is X then it could be a miscommunication? Men are many times trained to push boundaries and try to feel out if there partner is willing. If not they might try to put the partner in the mood by seduction or flirting. Women on the other hand will try and resist so as to not be “that girl” even if they are sexually interested. Both ways suck and lead to nasty misunderstandings. If you ask… Read more »
This is not “a new way of asking for consent”. “Are you feeling pressured” is not asking for consent. Its him checking in with you – probably to see if he’s reading you right. The question has everything to do with your subjective experience in the encounter. It has nothing to do with, “Would you like to do X?”
Its lovely. He clearly cares about what your experience is (he’s not a narcissist or a sociopath) And the actual consent part was done (according to the story) the same way it usually is, which is communicating through body language.
I mean, really…at this point in the game, shouldn’t we have an app for this so that everybody knows how ready (or not) everybody else is.
I’m thinking something with a sensor – maybe a rectal probe – that’s able to gather enough data in real time to measure the “State of the Nation Love Vibration” (TM).
I mean, really…if we can put a man on the moon, and create Reality TV, this should be well without our grasp, so to speak.
I’d say this is a golden opportunity for some aspiring Silicon Valley entrepreneur type.
I don’t know the exact state of the situation when the question “Are you feeling pressured?” was asked, so I might be totally off here. But if you really need to pause and think about the answer, isn’t that already kind of a give-away that you are not really that into what you’re doing? (I mean, if you really need time to figure out if it’s Yes or No.) Also, I can appreciate that you appreciated the question and the pause to reflect.. Question is then what happens next? Being concerned for your partner’s comfort and safety can express itself… Read more »
I’m curious Kal can you talk more about intent than exact performance?
I watched some RSD/PUA videos on youtube…a lot of what they do is “escalation”, which is making sexual overtures, flirty/aggressive touching, and pushing boundaries….watching some of the interactions made me uncomfortable….I think if I see someone coming on that hard to me I just back off….30 seconds into such an interaction and you can see what someone’s intention is…
So, Leia, why don’t you and other women take responsibility and assume responsibility for intiating contact, making any overtures to be made and initiating sex?
From personal experience it’s because women are really bad at it and there isn’t yet much of a market for books teaching women how to hit on men.
There’s also the issue that a lot of men aren’t sure what to make of a woman that’s hitting on them. I know the first time it happened to me I had no idea what to make of it because she was beautiful and quite smart; way to desirable to be desperate. I hope my inability to comprehend the situation didn’t discourage her from trying again in the future.
Does a womans looks automoatically tell the story of her lack of desperateness? If she had been a less attractive woman, would she have looked more desperate to you?
It’s just one reason women don’t approach. The idea that a woman who hits on a man is “desperate”. I’m not saying that women shouldn’t hit on a man *if* that aligns with her personality. I’m ust explaining why a woman might choose not to if she’s going to be seen desperate simply based on how she looks and her ability to take action with a man first.
That’s feminist BS, whether or not a woman is going to hit on a guy she likes has far more to do with confidence than anything else. All of the women that have hit on me over the years have been rather stunning and smart. They weren’t doing it because they couldn’t get a date, they were doing it because they knew their value and weren’t happy with the guys that were hitting on them. If women would stop perpetuating these lies things would change pretty quickly. As long as women treat the guy with respect, he’ll likely be open… Read more »
Frank, shooting down another person’s questions and conversation by attacking them off the bat with “that’s feminist BS’, isn’t a great way to have an affective communication between two people. By the way, exactly what part of my comments proves to be “femininst BS”. Please remember you are the one that spent time highlighting the looks of the women that hit on you. Not me. You still haven’t answered my question. You focused on the looks of the woman who hit on you as a clear indicator to her lack of desperateness. You further press the issue by saying clearly… Read more »
Jennifer – if a man was to ask me “are you feeling pressured” during a sexual encounter, I would answer either yes or no as you did, but I would probably follow his question with: “No I am not, are you?”
Did that thought cross your mind? And if not, why not?
That’s a solid point. It’s always nice to be considerate of the other party and sometimes men do feel pressured to not just perform, but to participate in the first place..
From my point of view, the person asking if the other person is feeling pressured is strongly implying that they’re concerned that they might be pushing too hard. There probably are cases where they’re hoping to have an excuse to stop without having their sexual orientation questioned.
This explanation and the cited studies of heterosexual miscommunication at face value mean that Amanda Marcotte and Amanda Hess are wrong and Cathy Young is correct. I expect that these studies will be cited in campus sexual misconduct investigations and proceedings to expel any man who claims he received non-verbal consent to a sexual interaction with a woman, because male reliance on non-verbal communication will be deemed to be per se unreasonable. This will be especially true if the pending California legislation and the legislation Senator Claire McCaskill is expected to file in the US Senate shortly, are adopted. Given… Read more »