I’m not in a relationship. I never have been. I don’t think I’m ready to be in one either. Being single has taught me to be independent of myself and not rely on anyone else for my own happiness. It’s taught me to be rational and unbiased when it comes to facing decisions. I feel like I have a clearer head, and by observing and noticing relationships around me, here are signs that you too are not ready to be in a relationship.
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1. You don’t want to be in one
So don’t. Period.
2. You’re dealing with past pain
If you are still getting over your ex, don’t get in a new relationship. Getting over someone takes time, it cannot vanish and you can’t force yourself to unlove someone. As much as someone has hurt you, you may be able to suppress it but it takes time to heal. And it’s not fair on this new person if you can’t give them your all and it’s not fair on you either because you won’t be able to think clearly to give them a fair chance.
3. You’re not happy with yourself
If you won’t be happy single, how can you be happy taken? If you aren’t happy single, you just can’t be happy in a relationship. You won’t be able to give them your best self, your potential self that can love them the way they should be loved, treat them the way they should be treated.
So make sure that you are happy with yourself before you give yourself into a relationship. Be happy with the way you work, be happy with your flaws, let yourself be vulnerable to them so that you also feel secure enough to show them to someone else too.
4. You’re too picky
If you’re too picky, you aren’t ready. You probably don’t know what you want because the smallest things put you off. But if you are in a relationship, you’re going to have to get used to some of the small quirks. Besides, maybe that’s why you fell in love with them in the first place.
5. You’re too worried about what your friends think
Everyone wants their significant other to be approved by their friends and family. It makes things easier and it reassures you when you are in that relationship that they get along, or like them. But at the end of the day, it’s your life and your relationship. As long as they aren’t toxic and have red signs left, right and centre, who cares who you date?
6. You make excuses
Nobody will ever love me
Why would anyone like someone like me?
I don’t deserve a relationship
If you are making excuses to why you aren’t in a relationship, you aren’t ready to be in one. You don’t have to make excuses for yourself, and a lot of these excuses come from insecurity, lack of trust or the inability to commit. You make these excuses for yourself because you are not ready, because you want a ‘proper’ reason to not be in one. And that alone, is a reason you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
7. You don’t trust anyone, even yourself
Trust is a big thing in relationships and if you don’t have any, you can’t be in one. You have to be willing to give all your trust to this person and make yourself vulnerable. You have to trust that they won’t hurt you, that they won’t cheat on you, that they won’t fall out of love with you. If you can’t trust them, you will only be too careful and put your walls up. But if you want to be in a relationship, you’ll have to be ready to let someone in. Even if they are going to crumble your wall every so often.
8. You want more than people can give
If you have too high expectations for a relationship, you aren’t ready to be in one. High standards can be good if you know what you truly want, but nobody is perfect. A perfect partner doesn’t exist. But a perfect person for you can and you should be able to find someone that fits into your perfect person, which includes all their flaws. Until then, maybe lower your standards a little.
9. You’re desperate
You can tell those that are desperate for a relationship and if this is you, the reason why you aren’t in one is that people can sense that from a mile away. And people don’t find that attractive. I mean, unless they are a horrible person and want to take advantage of your desperateness… but I won’t get into that. You should never have to fight for someone’s love. Let it happen, don’t force love.
10. You want to focus on other aspects of your life
You shouldn’t get in a relationship if you can’t give it your all. Obviously, it’s a balance with everything else that is going on in your life and the person you are in is meant to fit in with that, but you need to give it something. If you want to solely focus on your career right now, or your education or anything else, maybe it’s not the time to be in a relationship. There’s still time, and if you think a relationship will be a distraction from getting to your goal, it probably is. So take a step back, complete your main goals in life and then the right person will come that will be the missing puzzle piece in your life plan.
11. You don’t know how to communicate effectively
Like trust, communication is a big part of keeping a relationship alive. If you can’t communicate effectively, I guarantee your relationship will break. If you don’t like something, don’t hold it in fear of what your partner thinks. If you do, you’ll end up resenting them, or holding a grudge and they don’t even know why! If you can’t communicate plans, you won’t be able to see them or make time for them. Show you care, a simple text will do.
12. You’re pressured from those around you or society
If you feel the need to be in a relationship because it’s ‘that time in your life to be settled down’ or your friends and family are constantly asking you questions like ‘Are you seeing anyone?’, ‘When are we going to see a partner?’ then you aren’t ready for a relationship. Don’t feel the pressure from whoever it is that is giving you it. It’s none of their business whether you are in a relationship or not, and there’s no problem in not being in one! Wait till the timing is right, because there’s no rush to be in one.
13. You’re too anxious and impatient
First of all, take a chill pill. If you are in a relationship and have unrealistic goals for it, stop. Don’t think of that proposal, don’t look for that ring, don’t force your partner to think about kids. When the time comes, you and your partner will have a mature chat about what you guys want and it should come naturally, not on one person’s accord.
14. You can’t fully commit
If you can’t commit to a relationship, don’t be in one. What is the point of being in a relationship if you aren’t committed? A relationship is a commitment. You need to be able to dedicate time and effort into it, otherwise, trust me. Your partner will lose interest because they think you have.
15. You rely on your relationship
Relationship contingent self-esteem. Have you ever heard of it? It’s when you rely on your relationship for your own self-worth and value. You need it to validate yourself, to make you feel loved and special. You need to be able to be somewhat independent outside your relationship. You are still an individual and you don’t need anyone to complete you. Be your own person, because you’re amazing in or out of a relationship.
Final Thoughts
Before I conclude with my final thoughts, here’s a quick rundown. Don’t feel that you need to be in a relationship, ever. Don’t feel like there’s a time you have to be in one. The right person will come when the timing is right, when you are ready. When you are able to give this person your all; your time, your effort, your trust, your commitment, your vulnerabilities, your insecurities, your happiness.
This person is an addition to your life, you don’t need them to complete you. There is nothing wrong with not being in a relationship. As long as you are happy with yourself, someone will come along and be happy with you.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash