No cell phones at the dinner table, no texting if we are both in the same room, and please don’t video chat with me if you are also talking to someone else.
These were my hard fast rules when my children were teens. They seemed reasonable and I didn’t want to compete with their phones for their attention.
I often resented the invention of the smartphone until my children were a little older, when spending time and communicating wasn’t as easy as when they were home. Once they had a life outside of home, with jobs, friends and then eventually college, staying connected and relevant required some creative thinking.
Understanding how you get their attention matters
You can try to compete with social media or you can become an active participant and stay connected to your children. I was often frustrated when they wouldn’t answer my calls. They knew I wanted to talk to them but they wouldn’t answer the phone.
At first, I was upset because they ignored me. Then I sent a photo of my face with a caption that said “Call Dad he’s Hot!” They sent a “LOL” (lots of laughs) and then called via the Facetime App on their iPhone.
I realized that they wanted to engage first, then talk. I am not sure why, but this works. Don’t resent the way they communicate, just keep trying.
Join the social networks they use
I don’t chat with my friends on Snapchat, but my kids love it! So, I joined just to keep up. It’s not how I choose to connect but using it helps me stay informed and see the posts they share. Where they are going, who they’re spending time with, and what activities they care about. If texting fails, I will often “snap” my kids and then they will respond.
Kids have so many apps that hold their attention. If you are just texting them, you are competing for their attention. Use the apps they use so that you can understand how they think. They won’t likely suggest this approach and they might not invite you to “snap.”
Remember, most of our kids have never seen a world without the internet. They have no concept of carrying dimes or quarters around in their pocket to call home to ask if they can sleep over at a friend’s house. Besides, they could carry a pocket full of quarters around these days and they would be lucky to find a payphone that accepts coins. They probably haven’t memorized your phone number.
Be open to new ways of communicating and connecting. You might even find yourself having more fun “snapping” than you’d have ever imagined.
Use the apps to your advantage
When my kids opened their first checking account, I decided that I would help them set it up and added them to my account. At the time, when they were young teens, this seemed great. As they have grown older they have needed money from time to time and having the bank app that allows me to transfer money has helped me support them.
It has also served as a tool to monitor their spending. I don’t tell them what to spend but I will tell them I have access to their account so I see where the money goes. They never seemed bothered because it’s also how I can help them when they get a flat tire and need money for textbooks or supplies.
Apps like this have served as a tool to continue to chat about money in a safe and open way so that they know I can help as well as monitor what they are doing with their money.
Rideshare apps make sure they get home safe
When I first attached my daughters Lyft account to my bank I was surprised by how much she was using it. I was disturbed at first when she racked up $230 dollars worth of rides in one month. I kept thinking to myself, “that’s a car payment.” But the more I thought about it, I realized every time she uses the app, I get a notification that she has arrived home safe. That piece of mind is worth it. I know she will never be tempted to get in a car with someone who has had too much to drink because she can always get a ride home.
If they ask for more “pics” of you, send them
My daughter once commented about how she liked my smile on my post on Instagram. I was surprised that she was even following me.
I realized that she likes when I smile so now whenever I have the chance to post or send her a smile in an interesting setting, I do. She knows that I am doing it for her.
She tends to comment and like those posts where I am being me. She knows that somehow I have remembered her and that helps us stay connected.
If your kids mention or comment about a post you share on social media, pay attention. That could be a signal to you that they are noticing you.
You can either resent social media and the amount of time your kids spend on their phone, or you can get with the program and stay connected. The latter is what I have done and I am constantly surprised by how much we have to talk about when I see them in person.
How are you using apps and social media to connect with your children? Comment below!
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Photo by William Iven on Unsplash