Have you ever watched a movie or TV show and been able to feel in your body what it was like to be falling in love again, as you watched it play out on the screen in front of you?
Maybe there were butterflies in your stomach for a second, or you remembered what the early days were like when you were in the throes of new romance.
Watching other people-even and especially made-up characters in our books or on our screens- be in love makes me want to hop on my phone and get back into the dating pool. All of the reasons I have very conflicted feelings about dating apps is an entirely different discussion. As soon as I think about dating, my heart just curls up like a little hermit crab retreating back into its shell.
I could attribute this urge to find a partner to a few things:
- A lot of people I know are in serious relationships, getting married or having children.
- Basic human nature. Humans like being together.
- Evolutionary instinct to find a mate before I pass prime reproductive age and begin to slowly die.
I’ve decided it’s a combination of the three. We often(and by we, I mean me and I, perhaps wrongfully, assume I’m not alone in this) rush into romantic relationships without thinking about what else we need in our lives. This is why I’m trying my best not to do this.
We Are All Someone’s Monster
Plenty of my past partners drew our relationship to a close by saying things like “ I wasn’t actually ready for a serious commitment when we started dating” or “ I didn’t realize what I was getting into”, after I had expressly said that I was only looking for a serious relationship.
None of these people had bad intentions, and I’ve done my best to understand that they were doing their best at the time. I would hate to enter into something too quickly because I’m more in love with the idea of being in love than I am with an actual person and unwittingly end up hurting them and myself.
I think most of the human race has entered into a relationship too quickly at some point, myself included, and it never ends well.
Breaking Points That Led To Singledom
How much can one person be hurt before retreating? I think we all possess the capacity to be hurt over and over and keep coming back. This idea of being transformed by life’s cruelest offerings-death, loss of a child, abuse, etc.- brings to mind one of my favorite quotes of all time.
“All that you touch you Change. All that you Change, Changes you. The only lasting truth is Change. God is Change.”-Octavia Butler, Earthseed book series.
We have a greater emotional impact on one another than I think we would like to admit, especially in our work-driven, instant gratification culture. The hurt builds up if we don’t give ourselves space to process the pain of losing love, and we reach a point when we are no longer interested in putting ourselves out there.
When I think about dating again, all I think of is my last relationship. I’m not ready to watch birds with anyone else, make dinner with anyone else or make every day an adventure with anyone else.
That’s the wild thing about loving someone, at least in my own experience. The hurt that comes when it ends fades with time. The mark of love never fully does.
Being Single Is A Rare Gift
Singledom is fickle b*tch. It comes, and stays for way too long like a house guest you can’t bring yourself to kick out, and then all at once when you least expect it, it’s gone. You don’t want it back; but when you get it back, as we often do in this lifetime, it can feel like a familiar friend. In time, we become accustomed to our singledom and the rare gifts it brings us.
We begin to notice we have more time for ourselves, and hobbies we may have shoved to the side before. We can now take up the whole bed.
I have found out in my short lifetime that some people sleep diagonally without meaning to, and sometimes, if the universe is laughing at you, the ones that sleep diagonally will also be the ones that have sleep apnea. If the universe is downright mocking you, the ones that sleep diagonally and have sleep apnea will also be 6’4”, leaving you 1 square foot of space in a queen size bed. One day, you’re single again, and…blessed silence! Blessed space! Miracle of miracles.
In reality, all states of being with or without a partner come with pros and cons. At this point in my life, I’m not willing to give up all of the time and energy it would take to start dating again. Consciously dedicating time and energy to get to know someone else, only to have them disappoint you is often very disheartening, to say the least.
Fear of Being Hurt
The most common reason I’ve observed among friends, as well as in fictional shows I binge-watch on the CW, for relationships not working out or ever getting off of the ground in the first place is emotional unavailability. Someone is afraid of being hurt. I was never able to empathize with an unwillingness to be vulnerable until this year.
I’ve been loved so fiercely my entire life I did the same for others. I knew I could get hurt, I simply didn’t care. I’ve always navigated my way through life with my heart on my sleeve. After my last relationship ended, the fifth serious relationship I had had in 4 years, excluding the flings and nonstarters, my heart had no room to be hurt again. It still doesn’t.
I’ve always taken pride in my emotional capacity, and I’m having a hard time accepting that what I truly want is to be single.
Let’s be real: romantic relationships are a different ballgame entirely. They shape the terrain of our lives in ways we never see coming. Romantic relationships give us a taste of the kind of unity that can exist in a truly happy relationship between two happy individuals in such a way that we continue to seek the beauty of love even after we’ve been stung.
Romantic Relationships Are Not The Be All, End All
One of my favorite Rupi Kaur poems reminded me of the undeniable truth that no one person can be everything for us. Every friend we have, the one or many partners we have, our family and community members, each make up a little piece of us. No one person can hold us up.
I am forever grateful to all of the human beings that have walked me through my time on Earth so far.
Takeaways
- Accepting love means accepting pain. This could mean in the short-term, or when your lifelong partner dies before you do. It’s okay if you aren’t ready for this, yet.
- The human heart is capable of holding a lot of pain, love and of incredible acts of loving-kindness. It also needs time to heal. We need time to heal when we’ve been hurt.
- We never know when someone amazing will fall into our lives, so best take advantage of your single life right now.
- It’s okay to be afraid of being hurt. It’s natural. One day, you’ll be ready to be open again. Don’t rush it.
- No one can fill every need you have. We all need a village. That’s what it takes to get through, as Mary Oliver says, this one wild and precious life.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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