Five Valuable Lessons After Being a Tinderella for a Decade and Found Love Outside of it

 

I love the picture above. Most of the time, when we think about romantic love, we think about people interlocking their fingers on one hand, but a true relationship takes all four hands (maybe even four feet) to work.

True love is a support system.

The problem with Tinder (or any other dating app) is that there’s almost no foundation for such a system. How do you even feel a deep love for another person if potential matches are abundant, like a supermarket or a porn website?

Plus, we all get a bit too untrusting after being ghosted so many times. Sincerity is a rarity, so no matter how sincere you are, you’ve learned to keep it inside until, one day, someone may be worth your wholehearted love.

Here are five much-needed reminders for people who’ve been Tindering for too long.

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How to set up for failure

My single friend got set up to meet this guy, and in the end, the wing woman and her husband, her and this match, were all brunching with mimosas in a trendy restaurant.

My single friend, let’s call her YR, was already chatting with a ‘potential’ on the app.

‘At least our convo has moved from the app to Whatsapp.’ YR was hopeful. Online dating is very much like job hunting. All the good things are put out like a resume for people to screen through, and first dates are like interviews, just to make sure that person is what they say they are on the CV.

Mind you, YR and that online man hadn’t got to the interview stage yet.

But he was so good on paper, and the conversation went well. The Hinge match seemed to have a lot of time for her, even though he hadn’t asked her out yet.

Throughout the triple date, YR had spent most of her time on the phone chatting with the online guy and didn’t give the guy in real life (IRL) a chance.

Lesson 1: dates don’t just come from apps

It might seem a no-brainer point, but have you become like YR and subconsciously and automatically screened out people from real life?

It’s not uncommon at all. People are now funny about being hit on in bars and clubs and tend to automatically assume a hook-up never goes anywhere. It’s because dating apps have defined very clearly what everyone’s intention is. It takes away the ambiguity that we struggle with so badly IRL.

So when it comes to real life, we’ve lost the competence and patience to allow friendship to be built into flirtation, then to something more.

If you’re single and reading this, make it a conscious reminder to your next casual meet-cute with the regular at your local coffee shop 🙂

Just look up from your phone!

Lesson 2: Relationship is built on small things

YR eventually met that guy from the app, and the date went smoothly. In fact, it went so smoothly that they slid into bed on their first date.

After the sex, that guy stayed (hurrah). Now they started building the foundation of their relationship from zero, demanding exclusivity from zero bases of trust and tolerance.

The sex was so good, apparently, and they moved in together quickly. At that point, they realised they didn’t sync at all. The schedule, their little habits, their tastebuds, nothing. NOTHING!

The guy had no sense of work-life balance or boundaries and often brought work home and shouted into the phone for some overseas business. YR hid in the bathroom to try and catch a breather.

This can happen to anybody, but it’s a particularly troubling matter for online couples because they commit way more quickly. With the intention to date, a person goes on a dating app and skips the proper getting-to-know-each-other part.

Online daters feel a rush because if it doesn’t work, they better move on to another person. Remember, this rush is baseless.

Lesson 3: Divorce shouldn’t be so easy

The hardest way to separate (apart from death) is a divorce. However, since divorce is so easy in the modern world, as a ripple effect, breaking up is even easier. Worse, ghosting is now commonplace.

When YR couldn’t deal with that guy’s life habits, she just moved out one day out of his apartment when he was at work. This was bad behaviour, but what’s strange was that he didn’t follow up at all.

A few days later, we saw him back on Tinder.

The lesson here is to put communication back as the centre of a relationship. Love is not fast fashion. We can’t just chuck it like a piece of cloth when things don’t go how we want them to.

Lesson 4: Discover thyself first

Do you want to know if YR had a happy ending? Read on!

Wellness and self-love are so on trend now that many corporates abuse this to make you buy more stuff. This is not self-love. Self-love and true wellness are when you take the time to confront your wounds with compassion.

Self-discovery is an ugly and painful process — if it’s easy, none of us will need healing or have an existential crisis. It’s exactly because we are used to sweeping our suffering under the carpet that it blows up when shit hits the fan.

YR was brave. The serial dating was a wake-up call, and she deleted Tinder for her sanity. She learned about attachment theory and love languages. She got in touch with her inner child. She journaled, meditated and called her mum, who had hurt her and told her she had forgiven her.

She learned that when she’s not happy about something, she should neither yell nor run away. She should calm herself down and speak frankly with kindness. No one will love her less for doing this. She’s enough.

Lesson 5: Hobbies!

It’s crazy how many of us live a life that’s so-called balanced but looks like this: work, sleep, gym, and social life. In particular, social life involves drinking and eating with friends in trendy places, talking about nothing in particular.

Nothing deep, nothing vulnerable, nothing serious, nothing embarrassing.

YR realised a hobby is something that you don’t really need to do, but you enjoy doing it purely for the sake of doing it.

She learns to play football, and she’s bloody good at it. She’s made footballer friends, and they watch women’s football matches in a pub after their weekly practice. She feels fulfilled. Her life is meaningful. She’s fit and happy.

Happy ending?

Why is there a pub in West London that shows women’s football? Who would want to go and watch it?

The feminists(!)

After winning a match, YR and her teammates returned to the pub for a celebration. Prosecco was flowing, and they were dancing and karaoke-ing and the alcohol helped her to chat up the guy who’s usually there alone watching the footy (that’s what we call soccer in England).

‘So you like women’s football?’ YR said, surprised by how she was flirting IRL.

‘Yeah, my daughter plays it. So I watch it, and we have something to talk about.’

YR took a glance at his ring finger. Nothing.

‘It was a Tinder date gone wrong,’ he said, rubbing the paler fresh where the wedding band used to be. ‘Luckily, it was a peaceful break.’

And just like that, I am writing a story about YR after receiving her ‘save the date’ card. The cover says, ‘Get off Tinder :)’

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I hope you like this article. If you like all things about self-development, travelling and designing your dream life, you’ve come to the right place.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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