There’s a stereotype out there that some men wake up one morning and suddenly decide they aren’t happy in their marriages and want out. They’re branded as “selfish” and their experience is belittled and demeaned as a “midlife crisis”.
I sit on the other side of that stereotype every week and have seen that this is rarely, if ever, how it actually goes down. The breakdown of a marriage cannot be written off as some cliché. These are usually men in their 40s and 50s with ten to twenty years of marriage behind them. They were given very different messages about the role of men and husbands in marriages.
They, unfortunately, fell prey to myths about what being a “good husband” is and that, unfortunately, led to the demise of their relationships.
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Most men do not just wake up one day, lay down the gauntlet, and bust up their lives and families on a whim. Rather, they, themselves have become a casualty of misplaced and ill-advised intentions.
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As I sit with men who are facing the potential end of their relationships, one thing becomes increasingly apparent. These men wanted to be good. They tried to be good. Their intentions were good. They just got really lost along the way.
As boys, they were raised with so many messages about how to treat and talk to girls and as they grew up, the lessons became about how to treat women. They were taught about respect and they were taught about making wives happy. “Happy wife, happy life,” right?
The men I talk to worked really hard to be good husbands. They, unfortunately, fell prey to myths about what being a “good husband” is and that, unfortunately, led to the demise of their relationships.
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Disagreeing with a woman is not the same thing as disrespecting her.
I’ve talked to so many men who silenced their opinions on important marital and family topics in order for their wives preferences to be met. They compromised how family holidays were spent, where and when they vacationed, and how their free time was spent. They believed that being a “good husband” meant yielding to her preference.
They didn’t think “good husbands” laid claim to their preferences and they stayed silent until their compromises became too suffocating.
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At first, these compromises seemed like no big deal to them. They were easy gives so they gave them. Bit by bit, though, they were giving themselves away. They were sacrificing their preferences. They didn’t notice at first but as time passed, they realized their lives didn’t reflect what they wanted. They didn’t speak up.
The myth that exists is that men don’t know how to talk about such things. That isn’t my experience. They do know how to talk about it. They just didn’t think it was fair or respectful of their wives to do so. They didn’t think “good husbands” laid claim to their preferences and they stayed silent until their compromises became too suffocating.
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Taking care of your wife does not have to mean enabling behaviors you don’t support.
A second theme seems to emerge as I talk to these men. They were raised to take care of their wives but the limits of that were seldom made clear. It was never explained to them that it was ok to have boundaries around what they were and weren’t willing to do. As a result, these men found themselves taking care of and nurturing their wives past a point that they were comfortable doing so.
In other words, they were saying “yes” when they wanted to be saying “no” and after years of this, became overwhelmed with how unhappy they were.
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For some, that meant enabling anxieties. Others spent more money than they were comfortable doing so because they wanted their wives to be happy and “didn’t want to appear cheap or withholding.” Some stayed in a constant role of “bad cop” with the kids because they wanted to support their wives in limit setting. In other words, they were saying “yes” when they wanted to be saying “no” and after years of this, became overwhelmed with how unhappy they were. They were raised with the impression that a “good husband” took care of his wife. They honestly didn’t know they were allowed to say no to or challenge something their wives needed.
Again, they stayed silent until they couldn’t anymore and then, often, it was too late. The years had piled on and there was too much to undo and the marriage was crumbling.
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You can still be a good husband and have your own friends and activities.
Many men are taught what it means to be a good dad. I, myself, have written articles about the importance of men being present for their kids. Men learn that “good dads” and “good husbands” are there for their kids and spouses. They’re told that their time for fun ends with marriage and that a “good husband” belongs with his family.
Somehow, that message gets lost in translation. They begin to think that means they can’t have friends and that they have to give up activities that are important to them. They want to be good. They want to be present. So, they give things up. They make those sacrifices but what they’re really doing is cutting off their own supply of oxygen. Thinking it’s the right thing to do, they see their friends less. They go out less.
Their silence continues. It grows. It festers. It nauseates.
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You’re not being disloyal if you talk about being unhappy with your spouse or marriage.
In hearing messages about respecting women and wives, some men got the message that they were being disloyal if they talked about their marital dissatisfaction. Their understanding was that talking about their wives behind their backs was rude and disrespectful.
It isn’t until they are totally overwhelmed that their husbands find their voice and by that time, they’re tapped out.
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This is the saddest myth of all.
This myth is largely responsible for disabling men in their relationships. Because they never spoke up or shared their unhappiness, their misconceptions went largely unchecked. These men lost out on the opportunity to have their thinking errors about “good husbands” corrected. They never learned about setting boundaries, talking about hurt feelings, or expressing their own needs.
Their silence made it so their wives never knew they were unhappy until the unhappiness became an unbearable and unsurmountable weight to overcome. This is why women experience the marital disruption as so sudden when it actually has been a slow and steady burn. It isn’t until they are totally overwhelmed that their husbands find their voice and by that time, they’re tapped out. They have no more to give, no more compromises left. They have no more fight in them so even though therapy sheds light on the dynamics at play, they’re past the point of being able to work on their marriages.
Busting these myths about “good men” and “good husbands” is essential for improving the health of relationships and marriages today.
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Photo: Thunderchild7/Flickr
I can see so many aspects of how I’ve tried to be a good husband in this article. There’s a different outcome for me though with my wife having recently told me after almost 24 years of marriage that she is the one who’s had enough…,so my giving in when I thought I should; my giving up pastimes to spend more time with our family unit; me not saying no when money has been spent that we couldn’t afford. It’s been hard trying to be the archetypal good husband only to find I have failed. I’ve passed the test as… Read more »
Amen brother. I’m right there with you.
This is a wonderful article that I completely related to. As someone who gave his ex wife everything she wanted, (nice house, kids, vacations ect) and ended up getting silence in return I truly identified with that things that you said. Today I wear the brand of ‘lazy selfish dead beat husband’ by my family and hers. I am glad that small little rays of hope like this article exist. Makes me step forward one more day.
Fantastic article! Unfortunately I’m one of those guys that hands everything over
My brother on the other hand, has a great phrase:
Ok, you want that. What will you do for me?
49 years… I’m getting there 🙂
I wonder how much of this I’d generational, and cultural. My boyfriend and I try to take care of each other equally. We both come from divorced families so we realize that it’s ok not to go to someone’s holiday party, or we go alone. We also help each other financially. And he wanted me to go spend time with him during a guys night, I had to remind him that he sees me everyday, and needs to spend time with his friends alone so he can vent about my idiosyncrasies. I feel like older generations got married too young… Read more »
Thank you so much for this spot-on article Heather. I feel simpatico with so many of the men who have commented here. I too have felt as though I have spent my entire married life meeting my wife’s never-ending, always-changing list of needs and directives. We’ve been married 28 years, and though, I’ve experienced short times of relative peace within our relationship, it’s mostly been a game (chess match really) of second-guessing myself and walking-on-eggshells and choosing my words with such care so as not to cause upset. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of “not… Read more »
Scott, you are so not alone brother
Thanks Mike. It’s nice to have brothers (and Heather) who understand. Hurts like hell doesn’t it?
I hope you find release and eventual peace from whatever heartbreak you’re going through my man.
Heather, I will echo what Michael says regarding how my previous married life was. I always felt my role was service to my wife to make her happy, even to the point when it caused me unhappiness. This discontent was a tiny acorn at first but grew over time until it was simply too late. I chose the coward’s way and had a couple affairs thinking the distraction would help me feel better but all it did was make me feel more disconnected and out of sorts. I felt it was too hard to speak up as my needs were… Read more »
How beautiful! Email me at [email protected] if you’d ever like to write about love the second time around.
Amen
I thought this was a really good article. I enjoy your articles alot Heather.
All good writing.
But I think, as always, there’s more than one side to it.
Men and women are usually brought up to be communicting vessels
It might be easy to say to a man that “Disagreeing with a woman is not the same thing as disrespecting her.”
But, when he starts to speak up his opinion, what if not only he thinks so, but his partner thinks so too?
You would hope that the wife would be present enough to notice that something isn’t right/happy with her husband. A wife should ask her husband questions when she feels his mood change.
Thank you, Tanya.
There’s two totally different subscripts to this article, depending upon whether the man is acting “good” on his own initiative, or whether it is done on a heavy imperative from is wife.
Tanya, “You would hope that the wife would be present enough to notice that something isn’t right/happy with her husband. ” That’s a good start, but there has to be a back up when it fails. There can be lots of reasons the wife fails to do that – it just never occurs to her because of her own cultural norms – she expects the man to speak up, be dominant, whatever- she is just overwhelmed with the daily crap she has to deal with, somehow she just doesn’t notice, for whatever reason, or maybe she just happens to be… Read more »
Adam brought up a valid point as well. Men do seem to take the hit more often than not.
Heather: As loudly as I can proclaim it- Thank you!! You get it. I only wish my wife had.
For years I wanted to buy a newspaper at breakfast. The few times I dared to state my desire I was told in no certain terms that it was rude to read the Sunday paper out at the local coffee shop when my W was there.
Too many women take advantage of nice guys to steal their happiness. I’m glad I realized it before my whole life went by.
Ha, I can top that!
my ex…When we went out to a cafe she would immediately grab the front section and proceed to read. (I’m not a ‘real’ man I realise but, gasp, I HATE the sports section). So we sat in silence…
Upon finishing the front section
she
would
turn it over and read it again!
Upon completing the second round…You guessed it…Time to go!
Bro, that was just wrong
This is a great article. Thank you for pointing it out. I do believe the core issue plays on both sides. Women also have to fit in a box of a good wife and often neglect themselves. I hate seeing either gender do this to the other…. we are suppose to love the person for who they are not what they are to us. Isn’t their individuality what attracts us in the first place? Personally, I prefer honesty and realness to being good. All the other junk that happens in every relation, can be worked on. If you deceive or… Read more »
I agree Angela, It can happen to either gender.
Absolutely, this is on both sides of the table. However, my intent here was to support and explain men in these dynamics. I think women, in general, have more cultural permission to have needs, preferences, wants,and desires and are given the freedom to say so. Men don’t always have the same ease and freedom in that arena and I want them to.
If some men are losing themselves in deference to their wives, then it could equally be said that some women are enabling this behavior, perhaps subconsciously, by demanding things from their husbands that may not be naturally forthcoming. I don’t believe men instinctively lose themselves in a relationship unless there is a trigger.
Jon, I agree. I also wonder what role the scenario of a dominant, strong-willed, Type A wife matched with a mellow, “peace-keeper, peace-maker” husband might play? Also, what about what men are taught in the church regarding how to treat their wives?
Agreed john. If we rwversedthe gender in this article the frame would be about ‘dominant’ men and ‘oppressed’ women rather than about men failing to assert themselves. Dont get me wrong, great article, and it is an individuals responsibilty to assert their own needs, just pointing out how often we make men respobsible for womens failures but never seem tomake women responsible for their part in dominace dynamics.
Good point bro. Men do seem to take the “hit” a lot.
Absolutely, Jon. I think there is a lot of enabling on both sides. This dynamic is something that can easily be taken advantage of and often is.
Let me make this as brief as possible- YES! YES! YES! As I read this I thought someone had been looking in my windows for the last 20+ years. Thank you for putting some validity on what my life has been like.
Read Men On Strike by Helen Smith as to why men are opting out of marriage, relationships and even college.
I’m curious as to what you mean by “enabling anxieties”?
Sometimes women are fearful of things…anything from driving on the highway, crowded places, disorganization, etc. (Men, by the way, are too.) Husbands of women who struggle with these things sometimes think it’s their job to do those things for their wives so they will take on the driving, tasks that involve crowded spaces, etc. If their wives are fearful of social situations, they will stay home or attend meetings for the kids alone. These are things that get in the way of the wife’s ability to function but the husband thinks “taking care of her” means doing those things. Then,… Read more »
Great article, Heather. My wife is often fraught with anxiety, and I’m trying not to be too “accommodating” to her desire to sit at home and crochet, which I think is exactly what she would prefer to do for the rest of her life (she’s 47, btw). I’m not a pushy type, though, so I just try to hint and encourage her when I can. Compared to my ex-wife, her sweet disposition would be enough to make me cave to her anxieties out of appreciation that she doesn’t turn her issues around on me. So, I’ll just “take care of… Read more »
Heather- great piece! I don’t think we talk enough about both sides of the issue of men trying to be “good.” Everywhere we look there’s stuff written about what “idiots” men are and how they can’t work the washing machine or remember to pick the kids up from soccer. Many men I know want to be good and loving husbands and do a great job of it. Unfortunately, as you so well point out, the downside of that “goodness” can mean silencing important aspects of themselves, if good is equivalent to going along to get along. Doesn’t the ditty “happy… Read more »
Thanks, Winifred! I am such a fan of your articles. I appreciate the compliment.
I think you make some good points. When I was married, I was aware when I was playing the role of ‘husband’ rather than being myself. The problem was, my wife didn’t agree. One incident really captured the essence of our conflict. We had spent the afternoon as a family taking our son to the park, doing this and doing that. When we got home, my phone rang and it was my business partner. It was only a quick call, but my wife’s face was like thunder. “Sorry,” I said. “He just wanted to tell me some news.” “That’s not… Read more »
Glad it resonated with you, Mike. Thanks for sharing your personal experience. That does capture what I was trying to convey.