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Inherent in our psyche—the American psyche, our patriarchal psyche—is the need to communicate with victims about their victimhood in ways to help them avoid being victimized in the future.
We have come to consider this, at least some of us fathers and human citizens, a service to victims of crimes ranging from hate, prejudice, and micro-aggressions, to rape, harassment, and sexual assault. Our conversation with these victims, fellow neighbors and members of our nation family, involves guidance toward protecting their person, being mindful of their surroundings, means for identifying threats and resources available to them after being victimized.
In this, we are emotionally tone deaf, and a greater part of the problem than we ultimately realize.
We have been inundated with images and news and discussion related to acts of violence perpetrated by peacekeepers against Black and racially different citizens. For as long as likely any of you can remember many women members of our nation family have been reporting abuses of their bodies and positions in the workplace, on streets, college campuses, in our military, in their homes, and in marriage unions. Reports of these abuses have become mainstream, constant and have involved victims and perpetrators from all walks of life.
This segment of our nation family is told to comply with authorities, watch one’s tone, look and speak a particular way, to avoid becoming a victim and possibly facing death.
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While there has been mild progress around supporting movements such as Black Lives Matter and community policing initiatives, there remains a kind of skepticism about viewing Black and racially different victims with empathy. Much of the very public discourse has involved direct victim blaming, a thorough review of the potential criminal history of these victims (though it has no bearing on their victimization) and a kind of condescending, finger wagging designed to supposedly prevent the victimization of other vulnerable citizens of color.
This segment of our nation family is told to comply with authorities, watch one’s tone, look and speak a particular way, to avoid becoming a victim and possibly facing death.
There has also been mild progress around fully supporting women victims of sexual harassment, assault, and rape. This segment of our nation family has also been treated to a healthy dose of skepticism and teaspoons of disdain when reporting these crimes and seeking justice, protection, and support from the rest of their nation family.
They have often been told about “getting themselves into situations” where they would be victimized, bringing victimization on themselves by being careless or promiscuous, and monitoring their presentation so as to not elicit predatory behavior in victimizers.
Missing from our conversation with Black, racially different, queer, disabled, or women members of our nation family are the steps that we are taking to address the victimizers. At no point have we done the work necessary to offer answer to our vulnerable that include how we better raise, identify, train, prosecute, teach and rehabilitate our various predators.
We fail to see that what we have communicated to our most vulnerable is that it is somehow their task to be less hated.
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What we ultimately have communicated to Black citizens, women citizens, and others, is that the burden of their victimhood is theirs alone, and any matter related to it is ultimately their responsibility. In this, we have lost our way. In this we have failed our White nation family members. In this we have failed our boys.
We fail to see that what we have communicated to our most vulnerable is that it is somehow their task to be less hated. It is their task to make themselves less stimulating to base predatory instincts. We communicate to them that they are inherently the cause of the worst that we knowingly, and actively, do to them.
It is with these two segments–white people and men—that most change is possible, and ultimately necessary. You, in effect, have no victims if there are no victimizers. There are no prey without predators.
What if, as a practice, we were to communicate to our White nation family members that no loss of life when police make contact with Black citizens should be the goal. What if, as a practice, we teach empathy for those who experience prejudice, abuse, and racism. What if, as a practice, we discussed racism as the troubling component of the human condition that it is, around dinner tables, in classrooms, instead of treating it as the toxic element experienced by “them.” What if we did not promote the majority of our White nation family members to distance themselves emotionally from the real impact of systemic racism, but brought them into the fold to offer solutions. What if, as a practice, we worked through the fragility that redirects our efforts around making racism a national initiative, allowing us to better train our officers to police the communities they serve, and promote citizens and neighbors working with and for their Black and racially different family?
Suppose for a time that we made the safety or women’s minds and bodies a true priority, and did not simply pay it lip service. What if the focus of our communication in rearing boys in their understanding of their relationships with girls and women involved essential human empathy, an understanding of the damage that can be done without self control, and a true examination of how we wield our masculinity, so that it is not a force of harm when regarding our women family.
I ask these questions understanding that many of us, you, will react as if you have been directly challenged, or perhaps blamed. In fact, I simply want you to pay greater attention to our responsibilities as the privileged. White and Male family members have the privilege of being able to consider victimhood as a concept, as many will never experience it directly.
It makes us dangerous in that we can continue to avert our attention when we choose, while this terror and trauma is visited upon the vulnerable in our nation family.
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As such, we often forget our humanity and what that feels like. And we fail to perspective take, and ask what that feels like for others. Our privilege allows that. It makes us dangerous in that we can continue to avert our attention when we choose, while this terror and trauma is visited upon the vulnerable in our nation family.
Let us consider ourselves as citizens and men, and father, friends and allies. Let us be earnest in listening, even when we feel convicted. Let us expose ourselves to the most difficult discussions, and build up the tough skin needed to protect and grow with our nation family.
We cannot consider ourselves good men, and good people, when we allow these things to be visited upon our nation family, when we can involve ourselves in the human practices of listening, collaboratively problem solving, challenging our institutions and actively developing ourselves and the people we raise.
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Photo: Getty Images
TOXIC LEADERS
TOXIC LEADERS:https://medium.com/@AnnzalaPitt/the-justice-system-in-the-us-army-needs-to-be-reformed-380d6b9ac7a5
https://medium.com/@AnnzalaPitt/spc-micheal-broyard-letter-of-toxic-leaders-he-was-threaten-not-to-tell-the-truth-ad3426651e14
https://medium.com/@AnnzalaPitt/spc-micheal-broyard-letter-of-toxic-leaders-he-was-threaten-not-to-tell-the-truth-ad3426651e14
When you say “we” or “us” you don’t represent my perspective, the perspective of my children or anyone I know… Did you SERIOUSLY never experience a situation where you heard “what did you think was going to happen?!” after you experienced something awful at the hands of someone else? Were you never told that mouthing off to the police was a really BAD idea? Did you never see a friend’s head get “bounced off” the curb after they were handcuffed? Never been physically pulled from a car and threatened? I had friends who were denied medical attention and nearly died… Read more »
Wow. Where I see the country needs to focus on changing the way we look at things. They way this article phrases thing against cops is just ludicrous. Cops are taught to communicate and force used if needed. People have been playing the victim card too much. Many of the BLM protest victimize those who have a history of violence and were killed while commiting crimes. Then the police are on trial for protecting the people. Where you say we need to teach our boys about how to treat women. How about we need to teach our kids how to… Read more »
I read your article about two weeks ago but didn’t leave a comment but thought it was a good read. The sheer nature of your topic, of course, brings a surpressed topic to the forefront of our thoughts and ignites dialogue. A fundamental difference in your topic than I’ve read in others are the proposed corrections to help resolve some of the issues mentioned. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and proposed solutions. The next step, in my opinion, would be to initiate a follow-on conversation with a diverse group of individuals to outline a actionable way-forward.