“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older, they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” – Oscar Wilde The Picture of Dorian Grey
I’m not a religious man. I am a highly spiritual man. I believe in an afterlife and in the spirit world, but I do not ascribe to a religious belief.
That said, I’m a firm and true believer in the breakthrough power of forgiveness. Jesus Christ was a fan of that concept, no?
I’ve been angry because it felt like he gave up when he still had a ton to live for.
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The weekend of April 21st, I participated in the Landmark Forum. It’s a self-help and self-expression workshop that many of my fellow coaches have participated in. Highly recommended, by the way.
Part of the workshop includes writing a practice letter. Writing a letter to someone to whom you’ve been inauthentic or have a resentment toward. I’d intended to write the letter on the train into NYC from Port Chester. Only I missed my train and I had to drive.
We were given an opportunity to share our letters with someone in the forum. I chose to improvise a letter to my Dad.
I’ve written before about the complicated relationship I had and still have with my parents. I guess April 2017 has become about how Ryan Hall relates to his deceased parents. Let’s talk about it all on the Good Men Project.
But I digress.
Since Dad died, I’ve held onto a ton of resentment toward him. Really toward both of my parents because they both went out in similar circumstances. They were both alcoholics and went out from health problems brought on by the poor care they took of themselves. But the resentment has primarily been toward him because his passing is still fresh in my heart (he died in December of 2014.)
In all honesty, I’ve been straight-up pissed off at my dad. I’ve been angry with him over the selfishness of dying before he got a chance to read my book. I’ve been angry that he never saw me become a coach or move to New York. I’ve been angry because he never saw my personal transformation.
I’ve been angry because it felt like he gave up when he still had a ton to live for.
This resentment has made me an angry man. And not just toward my parents. It’s really been the palette with which I’ve painted my life. If a woman rejects me, I get angry. If a potential client ghosts on a sample coaching session, I get angry. If I’m not writing well, I get angry. I get victimized by anything and everything and it’s slowly driving me toward a heart attack (not exaggerating.)
While I was sharing my improvised letter with my partner, it hit me. Like a ton of rocks, it hit me. This wasn’t my original intention, but it wound up to be a beautiful result.
I said four words that I’ve said before, but this time I actually meant them with all my soul. Perhaps the four most powerful words I’ve ever spoken.
“Dad, I forgive you.”
And I by “spoken” I really mean “choked out between violent sobs.”
When you get rid of negative and burdening energy toward something, someone, or yourself, you’re able to create more of what you want to create in life.
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At that moment, I felt like I’d lost 50 pounds. I felt like the elephant that had been sitting on my chest finally got up and moved. Even the tension headache I had been nursing all weekend was gone.
In coaching, we call this getting complete. When you get rid of negative and burdening energy toward something, someone, or yourself, you’re able to create more of what you want to create in life. Because you’re able to let go and let it be.
And in what I absolutely believe is a nod of gratitude from the Universe and my Dad, the next day I found out something that just knocked me out.
My alarm rings on my phone on Monday morning. And like everybody the first thing I do after I kill the alarm is check Facebook. I’m scrolling down and see something that landed like a direct wink from my Dad.
I find out that my dad’s musical hero, Steely Dan founder Donald Fagen, is doing a solo tour this August and September. He rarely tours solo and he rarely plays material from his solo albums. On this tour, he’s going to be doing both!
The first date of the tour is at the Capitol Theater in Port Chester, New York.
Before my move, to go a concert like that would require a 3-4-hour drive to Atlanta or Mobile or Birmingham. I’d have to get a hotel, find something to do with my dog, and I’d be out of commission for two days’ work-wise.
The Capitol Theater is like a fifteen-minute walk from my apartment!
This was a direct wink from my dad. Tony Hall just said to me “Thank you son. Here’s your gift.”
As a coach, I’d love to support you in letting go of your past so that you can create your now with power, purpose, and love. Slots are filling fast. Shoot me an email at [email protected] so we can set up a sample session.
Forgiveness isn’t about forgiving the other person. Forgiveness is 99% or more toward how you relate to yourself.
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Forgiveness isn’t about forgiving the other person. I mean it is, but it’s not. Forgiveness is 99% or more toward how you relate to yourself.
And I get it. People do you wrong. People do you dirty. People hurt you. But holding onto the resentment you have toward those who do you wrong will kill your soul. And sometimes it’ll kill your physical body.
Forgive those in your life. The freedom will set you free.
Take it from the chorus of Donald Fagen’s song IGY. This better be on the set list, by the way.
“What a beautiful world this will be. What a glorious time to be free.”
I’m not going to mention that the song is about a dystopian future after some sort of apocalyptic event.
Roll with me, y’all…
Photo by Farhad Sadykov