—
Peder Hill talks about the effects of anger on children and what he’s learned about being a dad.
What’s about to happen, along with moments like it, may hurt your child forever.
Eight minutes till the bus comes. You sweet son is way behind schedule because, instead of eating his cereal, he’d secretly been playing with his Star Wars cards. Now, not only is he un-miffed by the rush you keep telling him you’re in, he refuses to put on his jacket. And it’s freezing outside. Your voice gets steadily thinner as the seconds tick and you tensely wait for him to dress. Then, unbelievably, he sits down, and casually pulls his cards back out. Four minutes left. You can’t believe he’s ignoring you. Dad explodes.
Anger is embedded in all of us. It lurks under our skin and can boil out at what should be the most innocuous of moments. It is perhaps the darkest part of our evolutionary inheritance, a once irreplaceable tool that preserved our ancestors as they roamed the African savannah or slogged their way across the Bering Strait. Anger can, for example, scare the crap out of a potentially dangerous a-hole, or help mobilize the group for collective action. It can save you from being eaten.
Anger goes something like this: event happens, adrenaline flows, face flushes, brows stiffen inward and up, and your whole body clenches while you raise yourself to full height and square off on target. There’s occasionally a dangerous impulse to lash out. And nearly always a feeling of potency. One soon replaced by sadness, regret, and self-loathing when you see the look of hurt in your child’s face.
Uncontrolled parental outbursts detrimentally affect children in several ways: first, children internalize its lesson on how to treat people and become aggressive themselves; second, you can steadily destroy your emotional bond with the child you love so deeply.
|
Uncontrolled parental outbursts detrimentally affect children in several ways: first, children internalize its lesson on how to treat people and become aggressive themselves; second, you can steadily destroy your emotional bond with the child you love so deeply. For while you’re angry you suffer what’s referred to as a “loss of self-monitoring capacity and objective observability.” The blindness of rage. Dad becomes idiot. Or worse. Not only do you endanger your relationship, what you say and do in rage may permanently damage your child’s self-esteem—the very bedrock of their lifelong personal growth and happiness.
What’s more, anger rarely improves a child’s long-term behavior. But there is an upside. You can teach your kids to express anger in a healthy way by learning to do so yourself.
Anger Management Toolkit
Parental anger has typical triggers. Maybe your boy did something you find totally unacceptable, or you feel disrespected. Or both. And anger often surges from the pure frustration of not knowing how to manage a situation after the usual steps have failed. With a stern face, you gave the old warning count: one, two…but instead of the jacket going on, out comes Yoda.
If you blow up for no apparent reason, you need to do some soul searching. The anger may, for example, be mixed up with feelings of personal inadequacy, an explosive reaction that saves you from having to embrace your own perceived failures. To manage the anger, you’ll need to understand the cause. Look honestly, look deep. And remember that we all make tons of mistakes and have our weaknesses and our plain crap days. You want to know what type of men can overcome them: heroes.
Prevention through self-awareness
Angry episodes are far more likely when you’re hungry, tired, sick or stressed out. Our ability to maturely deal slides precipitously as our resources are tapped. So proactively avoid such situations. Of course that’s not always possible, so also be aware of your body’s signals that anger is building—let them be clanging warning bells that you’ll soon need to either take a time out or, with all your agitated might, strive to express your anger in a healthy way.
Healthy expression
Healthy expression involves clearly expressing how you’re feeling without accusing, humiliating or using damaging words. It helps to stick with non-accusatory I-statements.
Unhealthy:
You force the jacket in his hand while yelling. “Put this on right this second! What are you thinking? Being able to catch the bus is part of school. What are you, in kindergarten?”
Healthy:
You kneel down to look your son in the eyes. “Hey, I’m worried you’ll miss the bus. And I’m also a little sad and angry because I feel you’re not really listening to me. I need you to help me.”
And anger needs to be expressed. Unexpressed anger siphons off in passive-aggressive behavior or builds up inside you until the furnace explodes.
In addition to communicating respectfully, keep things in perspective. Being late for the bus isn’t the end o’ worldo. He won’t grow into a bus-missing criminal. But if you’re abusive, he may just end up becoming a bully. Treat your children with respect and they’ll learn to treat others the same way.
What you should never do when angry
- Never yell.
You’ll fail here. But if your voice starts rising, let it be a warning bell that you’re lurching toward the idiot side of the pool. Take a short time out, even a few moments, to calm down, think things over, process your feelings and put things in perspective.
- Never dole out punishment when you’re angry.
A loss of self-monitoring capacity leads to moronic trigger-happy justice. Wait until you’re calm and clear-headed before considering repercussions. Not letting your kid eat sugar for a month probably won’t teach him any useful lessons, except how stubborn and random you can be.
- Never use violence.
Never. You can deeply damage your child, not to mention your relationship.
- Never destroy your child’s self-esteem.
Their lifelong happiness depends on it.
—-
RSVP to join weekly calls on Conscious Intersectionality
What Now? Participate. Take Action. Join The Good Men Project Community.
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission. All members see the site AD-FREE!
Register New Account
◊♦◊
Your ANNUAL PLATINUM membership includes:
1. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to participate in ANY of our new Social Interest Groups. We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time. We now offer 500 calls a year!
2. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to ALL LIVE CLASSES. Learn how to build your own platform, be a better writer, become an editor, or create social change. Check out our training sessions. As a Platinum member, you can take them all.
3. Invitation to the MEMBERS ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.
4. Access to our PREMIUM MEMBER LIBRARY with our recorded ConvoCasts and classes. ConvoCasts are a new form of media—and you are in them! Only Platinum Members get access to our recordings. And recordings of our classes are really valuable for those who do not have time to take the live classes or just want to review.
5. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you log in.
6. Weekly conference calls with the publisher and other community members. Our weekly calls discuss the issues we see happening in the world of men in a friendly group setting.
7. PLATINUM member commenting badge. Only members can comment!
Price for ANNUAL PLATINUM membership is $50/year.
♦◊♦
Your ANNUAL GOLD membership will include:
1. Free access to any ONE Social Interest Groups.Try them out! We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time.
2. Free access to any ONE of our live classes. Each month, we have the following: Learn how to be a Rising Star in media, build your own platform, become an advanced writer, become an editor or create social change. Check out our classes here. RSVP for any one class—if you want to take more, just upgrade to an Annual Platinum Membership.
3. Invitation to the MEMBER-ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook and all Weekly Friday Conference calls with the Publisher and community. Connect with other members online and by phone!
4. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.
5. GOLD commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!
Price for ANNUAL GOLD membership is $25/year.
♦◊♦
Your ANNUAL BRONZE membership will include:
1. Invitation to weekly conference calls with the publisher and community. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.
2. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.
3. BRONZE member commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!
Price for ANNUAL BRONZE membership is $12/year.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
To tap into the latest of Peder Hill’s man-friendly articles on fatherhood, just follow him on Twitter @PederHill.
♦◊♦
♦◊♦
Also from Peder Hill: Salsa Dancing, a Garter Snake, a Love Triangle, and Honor Among Modern Men
Well said, Peder. I appreciate not only what you said, but that you said it. Coming from someone else who writes and practices these things, I understand the courage it takes to be bold in stating what you have. In my practice, I have always told parents and teachers that we all make terrible decisions when there is emotion involved, especially anger. We are not good with those, in-the-moment moments, which is why being proactive is so important. We all get angry and frustrated. Thinking about how we are going to behave once we get there is the important part.… Read more »
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Baker. Sounds like you’re doing some valuable work and no doubt diffused a few ticking time bombs. Cheers to you.
Peder, You misunderstand what spanking is. Your statement, “Spanking is more of an anger-driven reaction than a calculated teaching method” is true of any form of discipline if driven by anger. You’ve made the assumption that all spanking is beating, driven by uncontrolled anger, rather than loving correction. I speak of what I know. Personally. I have personal knowledge based on my own experience, my children’s experience, and into the thousands of of people I knew growing up and have dealing with into adulthood – a significant sample size. There is no one-size-fits-all universal form of discipline that is appropriate… Read more »
Eric,
Aside from the research, for me at the end of the day I find that my children have been growing up incredibly fine without it. If I don’t need to, I’d rather leave that option out.
Peder – sure, do your thing. They’re your kids, and you have the right to parent as you deem best. I was not criticizing you, only I was only disabusing the implication that spanking is necessarily anymore abusive than any other form of discipline when done properly and with the right motive – same as other forms.
Eric, You’re right that one can be abusive using any form of discipline. But, although you came our of it just fine (many do, many don’t), I disagree about the honorablity of spanking. Spanking is more of an anger-driven reaction than a calculated teaching method. Imagine your kid does something terrible, but instead of spanking him immediately, you wait till you’re cool and collected and spank him the next day. Not so easy to imagine it without the dark cloud of anger hovering about you. There’s plenty of research too on the outcomes of spanking: http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/06/why-spanking-doesnt-work/ Thank you very much… Read more »
ANY form of discipline can be done in an abusive way, whether physically, mentally, and/or emotionally.
My siblings and I were all spanked and spank(ed)!our children. They’re all old enough to appreciate it, and believe that it can be an effective form of discipline if done as an act of and motivated by love, like any other form of discipline.
Thanks for the reminder! I never spank my children, but I’ve pinched or hand-slapped them. Affected them same as if I had spanked them (so I stopped). After I saw the hurt in their eyes, I immediately got on their level and apologized hoping to remedy any damage I caused. I printed your article and plan to read the tips you give every morning for awhile. My next challenge is to stop yelling. Definitely my kids are worth all the effort I put into parenting them. Again – thank you.
Claudia,
Once you start along that path, it’ll become easier and easier. You’ll end up being a different kind of parent. But changing is hard as we all know. Little by little. You sound like a fantastic mom.
Cheers, Peder
I wish my dad knew how to express his anger.
Celia,
Perhaps send him this link with a note telling him you love him. Both will be helpful.
Peder
This is great! I heard a therapist say something that changed my life (I only wish that I were at a place where I’ve totally mastered it!). In those situations there’s the stimulus and the reaction… That reaction often feels like a reflex: unconscious, unavoidable. But the truth is that there is TIME between the stimulus and the reaction, even if it’s a fraction of a second. Our job is to find a way to lengthen that time between stimulus and reaction. To one second, to one minute, to half an hour, whatever we need in order to take the… Read more »
Joanna,
It’s amazing what a difference it can make to hit the brakes before that reaction. Just doing so puts you in a different mind set. Thanks for the very thoughtful comments.
Peder