Can women actually make the first move? Jerry Stocking takes a look at 3 sexual myths influencing our sexual relationships.
Whether you know it or not and whether you like or not, you are under the influence of hidden myths that restrict your sexual pleasure, and bringing attention to these will open a whole new world of sexual expression, sexual energy and ecstasy.
These hidden myths aren’t yours, they are cultural myths. They are imposed upon you by people you don’t know, by people you will never have sex with and by people who hold values and morality quite differently than yours.
Cultural influences aren’t avoidable. Every time you watch TV, go to the movies, read a book or newspaper or talk to anyone you receive doses of culture.
Cultural inhibitions are waiting in ambush, making sex more predictable, less personal and less fun. Sexuality is influenced about as much as anything else, by cultural inhibitions and beliefs, simply because most of us are not sexually comfortable, sexually happy, and sexually mature.
You may think that you are exempt from culture’s input, but that just makes you an easy mark. Or you may be paranoid about culture’s input, but that is simply a waste of time and energy.
If you are interested in reclaiming your sexuality, please read on as I reveal three common cultural sexual myths. Even if you are the most liberated cat on the block you still are still being influenced by these myths without even realizing. Let’s bring them into the light.
Three Sexual Myths
The three myths are:
Men want sex more than women do.
Men have to make the first move sexually or drive the sexual process.
And the oddest one of the three: Men think they just almost got laid.
Let’s explore, and debunk these three myths one at a time. And in the process, liberate you so that you can discover your own sexuality independent of culture’s bias.
I am not suggesting that these myths are true or untrue. I am saying that they are believed by enough people that they influence you and me. Culture uses these myths to generalize and impose mass thinking on all of us. Bringing the myths to your attention can free you from most of their influence, making you sexually independent and making your sexuality your own. Reclaiming your sexuality is a good thing in a culture where sex is more marketing and taboo than it is fun and fruitful.
Myth 1: Men Want Sex More than Women Do
Culture says that men think about sex all the time, and the stereotype played out on TV or in movies is that the guy wants sex all the time and the woman doesn’t. Along with this common myth comes the idea that the man is continually demanding sex and the woman is the reason sex doesn’t happen more often.
This is a sad myth which results in a lot of frustration. It also demands that men and women play the roles that are expected of them and never really feel their way into what they want personally.
While I can certainly identify with this myth, and while it seems to be true, let’s look more deeply at it. But let’s not look at its truth; let’s explore what the world might be like if its opposite were true. Imagine, for a few moments, that women want sex more than men do.
Not only is that true in my current relationship, but it is also the case at many moments in the act of having sex. Women, it seems, derive much deeper and more bountiful pleasure from sex than men do. They feel more, they express more and they open more fully. The complaint I hear most often from women in workshops isn’t that they don’t want to have sex, but that men aren’t sensitive to what women need.
Oddly, in our culture, men drive the sexual dance by being the one who has to ask the woman out, has to make the first sexual move and is the one who wants sex. This puts women on the defensive and it has men be in charge of sex. But they aren’t really the sexual driving force. Putting them in charge, given the nature of male orgasm and female sensuality, is a terrible mistake.
The myth of male availability and female reluctance has the less sexually able male lead the way, when the much more sexually open and pleasure enhancing female ought to be driving the game. Which leads us to myth number two.
Myth 2: Men Have to Make the First Move Sexually or Drive the Sexual Process
If you want to continually risk rejection, be frustrated, scared and seeking something you may not even want (sex), then be a man. You will quickly discover that it isn’t much fun.
Men are tired of having to approach women. Whether it is someone new in a coffee shop or a spouse of thirty years, the guy has to make the first move. Women aren’t allowed to propose sex, or even ask for a date.
Women who do those sorts of things are considered to be aggressive or worse. I am not suggesting that this never happens, but women making advances isn’t common.
A friend of mine and I were walking down the street in London. Two rather attractive women approached us, speaking to us first and expressing interest in us.
Like us, you probably imagine that they were prostitutes, because women just don’t approach men very often. And even with couples married for a long time, the first step is often left up to the fella.
Myth one and two support each other. And if you consider either one of them as true then your sexuality and behavior will be dictated by cultural myths. You will be less free sexually than you might be.
I am not asking you to change your behavior, nor am I asking that women take the lead. What is needed is the discovery that the way things are is often based on cultural directives. Noticing how things are is the most powerful first step to them changing for the better. Shedding the light of attention on these myths reduces their influence and frees you to express yourself.
Myth 3: Men Think They Just Almost Got Laid
This myth is a bit more invisible than the first two. Even men who believe it often don’t notice it, mostly because they are so used to it.
Imagine this, guys: You walk into the library and there is an attractive woman behind the counter. You check out books or get a library card and you dare to “connect” with the librarian by chatting a bit about something other than books.
Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, in this scenario, the guy might think that he just almost had sex. He thinks that he not only could have her but that he almost did. That isn’t, of course, how the librarian probably views it. She is just doing her job.
But, if you, the spouse, are waiting in the car and he returns a little sheepish or bold it might be because he thinks he just almost got laid.
The result of guys thinking they almost got laid is a frustrated preoccupation with sex. When a guy almost gets laid, he thinks about sex. Thinking about sex isn’t the same as sex, it is just more thinking.
Notice, guys, how often you get laid and how often you think you almost got laid. The math of these two, if you will pardon the expression, is out of whack.
Guys, relax; notice your sexual energy. Stop directing it toward librarians, random women in the grocery store, life guards and women on TV. Really. Keeping and then flowing sexual energy within will have you be happier, healthier and more satisfied. It will also make it more likely that you can satisfy the women in your life.
♦◊♦
More Myths
Just discovering these myths is enough to free up your sexual energy.
It will relieve sexual inhibitions and lighten you up. It will also have you discover a whole messy nest of other cultural imperatives and myths that aren’t true but are blocking you from free expression and the experience of sexuality.
Examining these myths with attention and with levity will allow you to regain your own sexual will power and energy.
There are lots of other cultural myths about sex. We are one frustrated culture and are continually minting new myths to contain sexual expression.
Other myths that are probably influencing your sexual expression include ideas such as these:
- Orgasms are hard to come by, when they are actually difficult to avoid.
- Ejaculation and orgasm need to come together for a man, when men can actually orgasm many times and even ejaculate a few too.
- Sexual energy is located only at specific places in your body, when it is, in fact, in every nook and cell and cranny of this sexy planet.
Please feel free to share the sexual myths you have discovered by commenting below. If you want me to address and undress more myths please let me know and I will be glad to do so.
Remember that cultural sexual myths aren’t true, but what they do to you is real. Focusing attention on them can set your sexual expression free and result in more and better sex.
Image Credit: je@n/Flickr
Jerry Stocking is a spirituality author who has been helping people eliminate fear, worry and stress from their lives. Doing so provides relief, presence, bliss and prosperity where there had been fear. Visit his blog, Lightening Up and Letting go at www.jerrystocking.com/blog and discover everything you need to jump head first out of fear and into the present.
Re: “Men want sex more than women do”
That’s the greatest lie ever told and if it’s said often enough, it must be true.
http://www.salon.com/2013/06/02/the_truth_about_female_desire_its_base_animalistic_and_ravenous/
If men wanted women to approach them more, or be more free with sex, then all you have to do is STOP USING THE WORD SLUT tomorrow
Yep, and how women “throw themselves” at you.
Thanks for your comments Natalie, Years ago, when I was on Match.com I tried listing my location as NYC. I can assure you that things aren’t so different in NYC. I did meet some very intelligent people and they did move a little faster than the people I met on Match in Georgia but there were no generalizable differences. I greatly appreciate what you have written. It typifies the sort of things that many of my clients say. At least before we work together. I will try, in a few sentences to give you a little relief. You not only… Read more »
Are we still saying that women never approach men, and hearing that men wish that women did? I don’t know, I live in New York – is life in the rest of the country that different? Women here constantly approach men. I used to as well, in a very calm, friendly and lightly flirtatious manner. And what I found is that it never went anywhere. I would open the door for conversation, ask a question, and get a basic response with no volley back. I’d have to be the one continuously asking questions to keep the conversation going, with no… Read more »
I’m sure this description must conjure quite an image of me, lol! As though I must be hideous in appearance or lacking some sort of social ability in conversation. I would have to argue, that it’s quite the opposite. Most of the times I was trying opening a conversation because a man had been looking at or making eye contact with me for quite some time, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was a bit shy or didn’t want to risk rejection. And my career is the kind that requires I be able to have… Read more »
You are right!
Women approach men more often than they understand.
Some men see it,and act on it, other men see it,or maybe they see it but can not trust their own instincts and think they only imagine things?
.
In fact this may be one important difference between men in involuntary celibacy and the others.
Because as a women I know how easy it is for men to connect to women if they have security inside.
Iben, Thank you. But. If sharing your feelings and vulnerability only lands you in loneliness and an “easy target” for rude behaviour, where is the strength in that? No, I’m not depressed. At least not in the clinical sense. Resigned, more likely. Yes, me being treated as invisible has happened in bars and discos, mostly. But also in a variety of other places, where I just wanted to ask for directions or other everyday things. But the venues for the treatment is not that important, the point is more how I’m treated differently than my (more successful/attractive/confident) friends at the… Read more »
Also, please try and remember that the above scenario is just a sample.
Trying to deconstruct or debunk it will add nothing to the experience or this conversation.
“Much closer than you think”.
Hmmmm!
We are many resigned people Flyingkal. I am also resigned even if I never felt invisible.
Life sucks at times but we have to enjoy it as best we can.
Men want sex more than women do is. Not. A. Myth.
As evidenced by practically everything.
Hi Flyingkal You write: “You like me? You want me to write? Why? And what is “charm” anyway? The ability to interfere in a conversation with denigrating oneliners? Ending up in the two of you laughing at jokes at the first guy’s expense? Or baring your fears and vulnerabilities trying to get an emotional connection, just to have that used against you in the next heated argument?” And here is my answer: A long time ago on another thread you asked me a question about what I most of all wanted from a relationship /marriage. No man has ever asked… Read more »
John
Girls grow up and become women.
There is a reason why Dr. Phil advice us not to marry before we are 30.
Most of us are not mature enough to pick the right parter when we are young.
Women do not lie to you John when they tell you that they are not looking for the most handsome man they find to share their life with.
Men on GMP tell women:” do not tell me what I feel and think”.
Jules Hi Jules ” However, few women do. ” Jules,it is impossible for us to know if it is few or many women. When research tell us that women in America have only 4 sex partners in their life time (median) then it is unlikely ( impossible)that all women say yes to any player they meet. Scandinavian women have from 4-6 ( median). If women marry a man just to get economic support then I understand you are upset. To be used and exploited is always terrible,and it hurts the most when it is done by one you love and… Read more »
@Iben, Hello! “When research tell us that women in America have only 4 sex partners in their life time (median) then it is unlikely ( impossible)that all women say yes to any player they meet.” Do you really think this # is reliable? Women tend to understate sexual partners while men tend to overstate. I really think the number depends on several factors: socioeconomic status, race, urban vs suburban, etc. Today, I really think by the time a woman graduates from college (with its pervasive hookup culture), she has easily had 4-5 sex partners. In fact, I would venture to… Read more »
Jules “Yes, it is a scar on you for life. You feel dirty and like a second class citizen. ” Thank you for expressing your feelings Jules. I remember a neighbor telling me about his feelings in his marriage when his wife rejected him.He said:” it was as if I smelled”. It is hard to do reseach about how many sexual partners we have. It seems to be only a little group women that has many partners. Like 10% in Scandinavia. It is hard to trust someone after betraiil. Time does not heal all our wounds but a new love… Read more »
Hi : wellokaythen You write: “Of course women initiate sometimes. My question is how the two people interpret that. Some women who take the initiative feel some resentment for being the one who “had to take the initiative because he didn’t.” She may assume that he’s lacking something because he didn’t take the initiative, so she thinks less of him for being “too passive.” If you took the initiative, would you honestly have as much respect for that man as if he took the initiative? It’s not just a question of how often each sex is the approacher. It’s also… Read more »
I agree with much of what you say! I’m currently at the point where I’m dating again. I don’t feel that frantic desperation I’ve witnessed with some of my friends, so I tend to take a more relaxed approach to dating where I meet people in a casual setting as a friend and seeing where it goes from there. The ultimate goal may very well be sex/a relationship, but the immediate goal is simply a connection. I think, as a woman, the thing I find so frustrating is men who are standoffish. I meet them and get the impression they’re… Read more »
Seems Kelly that you were saying sometimes the porridge is too hot, and sometimes it’s too cold. In the fairy tale, with the Bears, just right is discovered. But in relationship it’s often the case that you have to create just right. You’re working with rough material here, both in yourself and in them. There is certainly a training period. I don’t think it’s easy out there on the front lines, for either male or female. The trick might be to observe more than judge. And learn about yourself by what you want, and what you’re willing to put up… Read more »
I suppose it’s more my observation that that’s the two extremes I seem to encounter, and rarely the ‘just right’. I’m in no rush, and I’m certainly enjoying making new friends. Fortunately, the people I have met tend I feel I can be open with and we have explored our experiences in a fairly general sense. I’d like to think that will lead to improvements on both sides (theirs and mine), but only time will tell.
In short, being told I’m somehow less sexually open, feeling, expressive, or able isn’t freeing to me….
Exactly! Thank you.
A myth is not the same as a social norm. A myth, which is a sacred tale based on tradition that serve a profound purpose in culture, may LEAD to a social norm. However they are not one in the same. Men making the first move to initiate sex is not a myth, it is a social norm. However not all social norms are derived from myths. This social norm was derived from human history and from how our species has lived and survived for thousands of years. Surely you can see why men would be making the moves on… Read more »
Until the Victoria era in western culture, women were seen as the more libidinous gender. Women’s perceived propensity for chaotic, aggressive sexuality was used as a justification for restrictions on women’s freedom. Women needed to be controlled by men (first their father, then their husband) or they were liable to go nuts and have sex with every guy in sight.
This is still the belief in the Arab world, or so I’ve read. Women are seen as a sexual temptresses with no self control. That’s why they have to cover up in public.
🙂
Actually, IRL I’ve more often heard myth#1 being said by women than by men…
Yes the awareness of “man approach first rule” can certainly take the pressure off having to act it out all the time, but at some point, the man will have to make that first approach anyway, will he not?
Are you saying it’s liberating to know these rules because then we don’t have to act them out all the time and feel the pressure to live by those rules?
Thanks for the question Sunil. I consider attention to be an evolutionary gift that human beings have. Not only do I consider it wise to use this gift but also fruitful. I have studied attention for decades, with my attention of course, which makes the whole exploration both rewarding and unpredictable: two things attention thrives on. I suggest that attention offers us the most subtle influence over what happens here on Earth. As such, bringing these myths into attention has an influence. What that influence is I can’t say: changing things is much more heavy handed than simply having them… Read more »
Hi Jerry, That was an awesome call! It really opened my eyes to how things get blocked in my attention because I am not really allowing them into my attention. When I see it with attention, I can treat it as a respected temporary visitor. This is already helping to clear those intensely obsessive thoughts and repetitive patterns.. The other thing I got from the call is that it is not about controlling our attention, as I have been trying to do for many years, but merely following where the attention is going. It saves the huge amount of energy… Read more »
Hi Jerry, in what way does knowing these myths actually free a man from having to approach women first? He still has to approach women does he not, as women do not approach men!?
Also, I am confused by the use of the word myth here in the case of men having to approach women first. It is certainly a social rule and a reality so are you saying it’s a myth because it ‘s a false expectation?
Sunil.
Myth #1 seems to stem from the belief that desire is primarily a function of biochemistry more specifically hormones and most specifically the hormone testosterone. This is generating a multi-billion dollar testosterone replacement therapy industry which has a massive incentive to argue for the truth of this myth.
Blaming anybody for anything gives too much of my power away, making me a bit of a pawn. If I attribute cause to someone else I am stuck with effect. Don’t care much for that or find it useful either.
I do understand what you are saying but it seems to me that relationship becomes most intimate when it is unilateral. Funny that!
I also think your article would have had more resonance with readers if you hadn’t felt that you had to be so careful not to be seen as ‘blaming’ women for men’s sexual/romantic frustrations. Male sexual frustration is something that doesn’t get discussed as much as it deserves. Many shy away from such discussion, at least in part because of a fear that they will be accused of blaming men’s frustrations on women, even if they had no intention of doing so.
#3: I was having a casual conversation with a fellow HS alum at a cocktail party a few weeks ago… While he was talking to me about coaching girls’ basketball uptown, he kept touching my arm repeatedly even though I was looking right at him and nodding… When we took a group photo, he held his camera phone in one hand and reached around me with his other to adjust it (effectively encircling me with his arms)….later, I had to wave my wedding ring practically in his face and talk loudly about my husband and kid when someone else joined… Read more »
Sound awful: and not unusual. Find myself apologizing for guys all the time just because I am on. Back in 68, dating myself badly here, I was wandering Haight Ashbury looking for a place to stay. It was late and I jumped at the chance to stay with a thin, long haired guy I met on the street. I crashed only to discover later that night that he thought I was his toy. I was up and out of there quickly. Walking the streets for the rest of the night I met a guy down on his luck. We walked… Read more »
@Leia….
A lot of married women are not happy or in love with their husbands. You would be surprised. Maybe not.
So, with that said, a lot of them are open to a lot of situations, including the karate coach, tennis instructor,…….
People can deny this all they want, but it is not going to change reality.
I find it interesting that you chose to frame Myth#3 as Women ‘aren’t allowed’ to initiate. That may have been what people believed a few generations back, but I’m guessing that few believe this today. I would suggest the current Myth is that women have equal rights to initiate, but that everyone will be happier if the men shoulder the initiation burden. Everyone gives lip-service to the idea that women are able to initiate, but almost everyone has some plausible explanation as to why they so seldom do.
Dog, Great point. I couldn’t agree more. All this seems to me to refer back to a fairly unexplored “truth” that has become very obvious to me leading workshops for thousands of people over the past thirty years. I think the failure to initiate is rooted in a deep unexplored fear of other people. And I don’t think woman have this one bit more than men. Young enough kids may not have it but it seems that we all grow into this particular straight jacket and few of us get out. Asking women to initiate is asking them to face… Read more »
Is this a fact? Or is it myth about women.
Is it true that women never approach men and show that they like them?
Is it true than women in a sexual relationship never initiate sex?
Myth no 4. Men sexual arousal are not related at all with women personality, intelligence, sense of humor, how they act etc. Men sexual arousal are only related with how women looks.
I don’t know if other men sexuality are like that, but clearly I’m not. When I’m aroused by woman I have been with, most of the times are more related to how she act and talk rather than how she looks.
John
Yes. That myth is destructive.
It seems you get me. I appreciate that. You don’t have to wait for the book I am working on now. I would be delighted to send you two of my other books. Just call my office, if nobody is there leave your address on the machine, if someone is there tell them I said you get free books and give them your address. The number is 706.754.7540. I would like to send you Laughing with God, which is an easy, fun read. And Spiritual Seduction which is dense and rewarding. Thanks again for your comments, will check out the… Read more »
done!
huzzah! Thank you, I’m excited about the books.
You are welcome John, glad that you called. Josh enjoyed talking with you. Yes, I am just like Byron Katie, only different.
Feel free to touch base as you read the book. Might want to start with Laughing with God then move on to Spiritual Seduction.
Best, Jerry
“Myth 3: Men Think They Just Almost Got Laid The result of guys thinking they almost got laid is a frustrated preoccupation with sex. When a guy almost gets laid, he thinks about sex. Thinking about sex isn’t the same as sex, it is just more thinking. Notice, guys, how often you get laid and how often you think you almost got laid. The math of these two, if you will pardon the expression, is out of whack.” This point at first made no sense to me. After reading your description of the situation I know exactly what you mean.… Read more »
If you reword #1 to “Men are more sexual than women” – I think this is more clearly a myth. There’s little argument about the male sexual response system being interested in copulation more frequently than women. It’s pretty much hard wired. But I would agree that the sexual creativity, robustness, kinkiness, and desire in women’s fantasies are every bit as strong or stronger than men. Women’s sexual “Mind Movies” can be much more interesting and elaborate. The foreplay sequence can start DAYS before the bedroom scene. Tension builds and so does anticipation. By the time the actual sex starts,… Read more »
Hi Steve
Thank you!
but how about a man who also want to feel that? A foreplay all that long, even days before penetration, create a tension, and all those things you wrote. I’m a man and I feel same as a woman you describe. I dont want sex bam bam and leave. I want emotions, I want context, I want foreplay, i want love. I’m not a man because I felt that? Yes I know your point is not that, but its the point of this article. About myth of male sexuality. Myth no 5. Men sexuality are not shallow. We do need… Read more »
You have a typo.
You mean myth 5: men are shallow sexually.
I’ve brought up this paradox before. Men are supposed to be sexually indiscriminate and sexually shallow at the same time. We have totally unrealistic expectations about what women should look like AND we have sex with any woman we can. We’re only attracted to supermodels AND we’re attracted to everyone we see. We’re too indiscriminate and not discriminating enough. So which is it?
And what a paradox it can be. I’ve mused on this one myself before (http://dannyscorneroftheuniverse.blogspot.com/2009/12/whats-with-mixed-messages-on-male.html) and its amazing how both messages can exist at the same time.
So which is it?
Apparently both. We are so picky and discriminate that we will exhibit -ist behaviors (over things like skin tone, body size/shape, and willingness to have sex) but at the same time we are so indiscriminate that we are walking hormones that will bang anything in a dress.
Doesn’t even have to be in a dress…. : – )
It’s probably pretty confusing to women as well. They’re told to be vigilant because men want to screw every woman in the world. And they’re told that men are too picky about the women they find attractive. So, that means he must want to have sex with every woman except for you.
There is a common phenomenon out there known as “cheating down.” This is where someone cheats on a partner with someone less attractive than the original partner. It calls into question the whole “too discriminating” thing.
That’s a good point. I’ve often felt that way — “men want to have sex with everyone except me! I must be hideous!”
Number 1 has some corollaries that are also pretty common myths. Myth #1, Subsection A: Men and women have totally different reasons for wanting sex. In reality, though, for most people their interest in sex is from a combination of reasons. Maybe as a general rule women and men tend to have different mixtures of reasons, but the lists of reasons are basically the same. It’s different recipes but with the same set of ingredients. Myth #2, Subsection B: Men want sex as a goal in itself, and women want sex as a means to an end. In reality, even… Read more »
Can you say more about that?
What is this ” something else” he wants from sex?
Is it possible that women misunderstand men all the time?
My theory: Many men deep down want many of the same things from sex that women want from sex. I’m not saying that men and women are totally the same or that they want the same things in the same amounts, but there are a lot of the same motives. I’m also not trying to discount biological or strictly physical motives. (Though I’m not so sure there can ever really be a firewall between the physical side and the other aspects of sex.) Many men crave sex in part because they want: 1. Intimacy or emotional interaction or acceptance 2.… Read more »
Wellokthen
“Please join me in embracing a little skepticism about what we think we know about sex.”
And my answer is yes.
It is about time to approach these issues a with an open mind.
Wellokaythen:
I know precious little about my own sexuality, and absolutely zero about anyone else’s.
But from where I sit, it sounds like you’re pretty spot on anyway. 🙂