Stanley Fritz shares a personal story of rejection, and the three most important things he has learned from that experience.
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It’s 4:13am, and I’m sitting in front of this blank screen. If there is one thing that I know for sure, and that you will know in a word or two is this: I am in the “Friend Zone”. I tried to lie to myself and say that I could change the outcome, but I think it was clear from the outset that she only wanted one thing. I obliged by being the same person that I have always been. And in the end I am right where I have ended up on so many occasions. The Friend Zone.
My history with women has not been the greatest, I’ve had a run of bad luck starting from birth and running strong through my 25th birthday. Sometimes they love me, sometimes they hate me, and on other occasions they see me as “The most awesome friend a girl could ever have”. Either way, I don’t seem to come out of this as the winner of many or any girl’s hearts. It’s a feeling that I would become very familiar with. I would give her every thing she wanted, adjust myself to fit the mold of a person that I thought she required, and just when things looked like they were heading in the right direction she would hit me with those dreaded words; “I only see you as a friend”. And for a long time, that was the worse thing that I could ever hear.
It’s funny what a couple of years will do. I wrote those two paragraphs above when I was 22 years old, and had just been rejected another girl. After months of courting she let me know that she wasn’t interested by asking me to hook her up with a guy from the basketball team. I remember how hurt and rejected I felt when that happened. I hated her and every single female that didn’t want me. They were too stupid to see the mistake that they were making, because they didn’t really know what they wanted. I spent a lot of days in my room listening to angry rap songs and brooding over this rejection. Frustrated that women who should have been all over me were going after guys that clearly didn’t give a crap about them. When I was done hating them, I went back to the old reliable, I hated myself. I hated the color of my skin, the way I spoke super fast and sometimes slurred my words, I hated that I couldn’t dance, and didn’t have the money to to dress as well as the other guys in my school, and then I mentally trashed the women who didn’t want me.
Six years later I still believe the Friend Zone sucks, but I’ve learned a couple of things. I just thought I would share them with you.
- She Might be Making a Mistake, but it’s Hers to Make: I think what sucked the most about being told that I was only a friend, was that 8 out of 10 times that same girl would date a guy who she and I both knew would not give her what she wanted. More than likely he would give her everything she didn’t want and then some. But it was her choice to make, just because it makes sense for someone to be with you, doesn’t mean that they should or have to. When you really care about someone and not in that hallmark way. I’m talking about really care about someone and want them to be happy, you learn very quickly that there will be times that their decisions may not line up with what you think is right. But you concede because you respect them, resenting someone you claim to care about for making a decision that you don’t agree with is not only selfish, it’s also the opposite of what someone does when they really have good intentions.
- Take a Look in The Mirror (Who Are You?): When I used to go after a girl I liked, I would go out of my way to find out what kind of guy she liked and fit that mold. It was very rare that I would come forward as just regular old Stan. In my mind that wasn’t good enough. But how do you expect someone to fall in love with an idea of who you are? It’s damn near impossible, and if you do happen to win someone over by playing a part. It can only last for so long, because the real you will eventually surface.
- Why Does Rejection Hurt: Rejection sucks, and we all deal with it in different ways. But resenting the person who rejected you just doesn’t work. A lot of the anger I felt when women rejected was misunderstood. What I mean by that is I was inexperienced in understanding my own emotions, I’ve always been taught that real men were unfeeling. So when a girl I really liked rejected me, I would become really sad and a little depressed. Then years of being taught that I wasn’t supposed to feel would cause me to punish myself for being emotional, when I couldn’t control those emotions, instead of realizing that pain is ok, I would begin to resent the person who caused me that pain. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was hurt, so I would go to the easiest and “manliest emotion” anger. But anger solves nothing.
If you want to get over the Friend Zone, understand that it is nothing more than something you created. It’s a feeling, it’s rejection, and while it stinks it only has as much power as you give it. Stop being mad at her for not wanting you, and maybe you’ll find a great friend in yourself.
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This article originally appeared on Stan Writes.
Photo credit: karpidis / flickr
No. Being in the “friendzone” makes you a jerk. Plain and simple. Either you want to date the girl or you want to be her friend. Pick one and stick with it. If she thinks of you as her friend, and you think of yourself as “friendzoned,” you have not properly communicated your intentions. Most of us, if we knew a friend of ours was unhappy being just a friend would no longer spend time with them. It hurts when we lose a “friend” because he got tired of waiting for us to suddenly want to date him and quit… Read more »
Friendzone is a stupid word. There´s just friends and all other people. Both can fall into the category ¨i would like to have sex with this person¨. If the latter doesn´t want to, you can just move on and if the first one (a friend) doesn´t want to you should try to identify what it is that makes you friends. If it´s anything other than you wanting to have sex with that person you´re gonna be ok as long as you don´t consider your sexdrive as the only thing thats ´ŕeal´ in life.
Just don’t go there. Never do anything for a woman with an ulterior motive. Don’t try to court women, instead just build up your own life. Women view men as success objects, men should view women with the same critieria. Can she stand on her own two feet? If not, stay away. Don’t be some stupid cry pillow. Only be friends with women if their looks or attraction are no consideration to your friendship, but you actually have something in common. Don’t give if you will never get. Relationships are about reciprocity. Otherwise, it’s Charity. Don’t get used by women… Read more »
Nope, I see men as full human beings. In fact, most women do. 🙂
She might be making a mistake, but it’s her’s to make and most importantly you’re under no obligation to wait around. I was friends with the girls I grew up with in grade school, but none of them had any romantic interest in me. I was the nerd, wasn’t good at (team) sports, studied hard, and went to prep school. In high school I discovered I was good at sports, just not team sports. I took up kick boxing and weight lifting. Got some scholarships to help pay for college and started a career. I stayed in touch with a… Read more »
“The current group of guys I hung out with thought I should take her up on it, have sex with her, and dump her. I could understand the sentiment.” You understand the sentiment, you say. So please, explain to me: Why in hell would many (most?) men feel… vengeful when a girl didn’t want to hook up with them? And why this sexual superiority complex is seem as something normal, something you guys never question? “I will fuck and dump, stupid bitch” – vengeful and arrogant. Also sexist, mostly – do you believe she would necessarily want to have something… Read more »
“The current group of guys I hung out with thought I should take her up on it, have sex with her, and dump her. I could understand the sentiment.” You understand the sentiment, you say. So please, explain to me: Why in hell would many (most?) men feel… vengeful when a girl didn’t want to hook up with them? And why this sexual superiority complex is seem as something normal, something you guys never question? “I will fuck and dump, stupid bitch” – vengeful and arrogant. Also sexist, mostly – do you believe she would necessarily want to have something… Read more »
Do not do favors, or any kind of unpaid labor. You are not there for her convenience. Unless you are actually dating, you do not have to listen to her problems. Entitlement goes both ways.
@Atypical: That’s a very narrow, short-sighted view. What of the women that keep men on the line—men that have openly and ardently expressed their feelings and intentions—without giving so much as an inkling to how they really feel? Because this exists. As much as the “friend zone” is a construct in many men’s minds, so too is it a reality that many women create. It’s the exact opposite of kindness to lead a person on, male or female (not to be confused with niceness; kindness cares about others, niceness about how others will perceive YOU). Just as there are men… Read more »
Here’s the basis of why women keep men in the friend zone – because it’s convenient and ego-boosting to have males around that pay for her stuff, drive her places, and go out with when there’s empty slots in her schedule. And why do they get away with it? Because I agree with this article – it happens because men let it happen.
Here’s an article I wrote a while ago about “How To Know If You’re in the Dreaded Friend Zone” if you’re interested in what signs to look for: http://www.mensanity.com/logical-advice-for-men-new-post-monday/2014/5/19/how-to-know-if-youre-in-the-dreaded-friend-zone#.U5vGtBZN1uY=
Woah dude, you are so far off here. The reason men are in “the friend zone” is because we don’t want to be in a relationship with you, and TELL you that, and we’re too nice to tell you to piss off when you intrude on our lives. Also, newsflash, if the guy is hot chances are we’d get with him. He’s probably NOT hot and therefore NOT an “ego boost” to have around. #logic
I believe they’re referring to the “user” type of friendzone, not just unrequited love.
Wow, mensanity, I don’t know how you could confuse women like that with “friends”. No wonder you have issues. Maybe you are attracted to total bitches? I don’t *use* friends no matter what their gender. I certainly don’t expect them to pay for anything or “give” me anything and if I invite people along of either gender it’s because I like them and want to hang out with them. If someone has feelings that I don’t return or vice versa, it’s up to that person what they are comfortable with but it shouldn’t ever mean anyone gets to treat someone… Read more »
The worse thing you can do is blame someone for putting you in the friend zone. Maybe they just don’t like you. Leave it at that.
“Take a look in the mirror…who are you?”
Jeffy (PUA/RSD) does not take that cowardly friend zone thing…at the end of an encounter, he says something polarizing…if the girl is interested, then she stays…if she is not interested, then she leaves….why prolong the guessing….?
I do not go into the friend zone. I do have women that are friends and that is all they will ever be. I do not go out of my way to court or chase women. I do not allow women to cry on my shoulder, that is what their girlfriends are for. if a woman is my friend, I do not think about her sexually, do not allude to it or suggest it and would prefer to not hear about her sex life. if a woman wants to be more than friends with me, she needs to woman up… Read more »
If you refuse to be there for someone (let them cry on your shoulder) regardless of their sex then you’re not really their friend. Do you cry on your boyfriends’ shoulders? Also, “woman up”? Yikes dude.
If I get called upon by someone mostly for them to have a shoulder to cry on, or or any task that require some physical effort, but not all that much other contact in between, the I guess she’s really not that much of my friend either. Altough it probably hurts just as much every single time you realize you’re in that position for someone again.