I believe that risk taking is a vital part of male life, but we all have different tolerances to different risks, and the only way to know these is to test our limits.
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As gay man leading a wonderful youth orchestra of Iraqis between 2009 and 2013, I had no idea I would become their musical father figure. These were truly impressive individuals who loved orchestral music passionately and had clearly found their bliss, not only for the sake of the music itself, but also as a force field to protect themselves from the madness of the war that surrounded them. Together, we shared pain and joy.
Working in such a psychologically complex and extreme environment brings certain things into very sharp focus. Iraq is extremely corrupt, unaccountable and nepotistic. How could I prepare them for a musical life surrounded by violence? What could we share in our orchestral boot camps that would shape us positively for the future?
Here, straight from the hip, are the things I believe we took away together:
(1) Be fair. Everybody should have the chance to become what they believe themselves to be, but so often we are pushed off the road, thwarted by our environment or capacity. Nowhere is more so than in Iraq. Giving young people a fair chance ought to be a high priority when rebuilding a crippled country, but there its not. So, in a world without level playing fields, your fairness will be noted, if not always appreciated.
(1) Learn to take risks. There is no manual to help you see the opportunities in life, weigh them up and take the plunge. No book will guide you though the pain of falling short, failing, or ending up in a different place to the one you wanted. I learnt reflective practice through my MBA. Only then did I truly understand how little I sat down with myself to deeply consider what it was I did, and what choices I’d made. I believe that risk taking is a vital part of male life, but we all have different tolerances to different risks, and the only way to know these is to test our limits. Many of us die never even getting close to what we’re truly capable of, and live for decades in fear of the dark, unknown self around us.
(1) Choose how to build your resilience wisely, and don’t be pushed into situations by others. Young people should not have to suffer the way my Iraqi friends did, just to develop grit. This can be built though sport, hobbies and many other activities in a considered way that develops character without permanently destroying a your spirit. Throughout adult life, there are plenty of hard knocks, but building the foundation of a strong character must be done with love and care.
(1) Watch for your points of initiation. This, in our modern society, is a huge one. In Iraq, my players were initiated into the world of youth orchestras in a way that changed their view of themselves and their world for good. Initiation means “new beginning”. If it works properly, there can be no return to the way one was.
“Nowadays, many young men and women have to self-initiate, partly because their elders have lacked initiated themselves and can therefore offer no guidance.”
Embracing the loss of a past stage of life can help you understand that the way has been cleared for a new kind of living or experiencing the world. In 2014, after I lost the orchestra to the invasion of ISIL, I felt cataclysmic devastation, which was subsequently impacted by the death of both my parents. Now, I see I have been forced from doing into being. I now reflect more deeply, am able to express insight better and start the next phase of my life knowing my limits, to shape a more mature, stable future. Life has a way of pushing you up against the wall and making you change. It’s a huge step to see those times for what they are.
(1) When things go badly, there is only one choice: bitterness or wisdom. I have consciously taught myself to accept self-reflection. I am equally capable of small, petty mindedness or an insight that will take me forward without hatred or regret. Just like the famous story of the Native American elder who told his grandson:
“There are two wolves fighting within each of us: a bad wolf and a good wolf”. The boy replied, “Which one will win, Grandfather?” The old man replied; “The one you feed the most.”
I understand the immediacy of this lesson whenever I make the call to resent or relearn.
(1) Take a look at what you mean by integrity. Everyone has their own idea, which can make for richness or conflict. I find it OK to be like a tree that bends in the wind and can still maintain its strong roots and shape. But since working in Iraq, and watching how my wonderful young friends came together to produce terrific concerts, I’ve learnt to appreciate that western integrity is very narrow.
“Paradox can take the same energies contained within conflict and convert them into something remarkable and unexpectedly productive.”
This is fundamental to Eastern thinking. As a young man, my idea of integrity began with education. It has evolved over the years into a paternal sense of sacrifice for young people in trouble, who need help, and the ability to convert bad energy into good.
All of the above can be summed up in one word: vulnerability. Being fair in an unfair world, taking risks, building resilience, confronting initiation, choosing wisdom over bitterness and maintaining integrity are all only possible if you are ready to drop your defences and risk being tested. Yes, you might get hurt, and no you shouldn’t be vulnerable all the time. But to develop a fine feeling for knowing when to open up and letting something new in, or when to pull back and return to base is a lifelong art, one that will refresh itself endlessly with each new phase of life. The circumcised man, completely naked and exposed, is my symbol for this. You may find your own.
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Photo: Getty Images