ARE YOU A BAD GIRLFRIEND?
Are you frustrated with your boyfriend? Are you upset he’s not doing enough? Are you unsure of your relationship? Are you mad at his lack of commitment? Maybe you don’t have a bad boyfriend. Maybe you’re just a bad girl friend.
I mean it.
In relationships there are stages. In life everything requires effort. Nothing in life is freely given. Every aspect of life requires effort. You must earn everything.
Somehow people forget this in romantic settings.
How many of you know the difference between dating, girlfriend, fiancé, and wife? I get what you all think it means to you. Do you know what it means to men?
I decided to write this article because I’ve noticed something. Some women in America behave entitled. Well. Maybe not some. I would say a lot. A lot doesn’t mean all.
DATING FROM A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE
I think I might like you. I think you’re hot. I have no idea if you are worth keeping around.
This is what men typically think in dating. Men are simple. Many relationships experts like Esther Perel discuss the dynamic of relationship changes. For the most part men have remained the same. If you ask a man to list his wants and needs, he will do it in short order. Most are surprised how little men ask for.
Wants and needs remain a very shot list. Most have not changed.
This is not the same for women.
Women have a lot of check boxes. The checkbox requirements for dating are a lot. The checkbox requirements for boyfriend are more. The list goes on.
Some women may only date a man if he is:
1) well educated, 2) has a solid profession, 3) is reasonably attractive, 4) has good personality, 5) appears successful, 6) is not socially awkward, 7) drives a decent car, 8) is employed or owns a business, and…
I think you get my point.
Dating from many mens’ perspective is different.
Here’s an example of a short list. I will only date a woman if she is 1) good looking, 2) nice and 3) feminine.
I’m serious.
That’s it.
THE SPACE BETWEEN US IS FAR
A woman and man have vast distances between selecting each other. A man who has little requirements is not remotely vested. How can he? He doesn’t know anything about the woman he picked to date. He does not require that much to date.
The woman on the other hand is different.
There may have been fifty thirsty DMs to sift through, eight social media profiles and three in person interactions before she decided to date this one guy.
After two dates she discovers something which infuriates her. She is upset when she sees he has three other women on his text message string. She stops answering his texts. She blocks him. How dare he!?
EXCLUSIVE DATING IS RARE FOR MEN
Exclusive dating is a nonexistent thing to most men ladies. If you want exclusivity, you must add items a man finds invaluable. You must develop areas that did not factor into why he asked you out. The unfortunate aspect of this is the guy tried to sleep with you.
Guys should learn about you before they try and sleep with you. This is the best thing. Unfortunately, even really good guys don’t think this way anymore. It’s a complicated dynamic. There’s no one real answer for a guy’s refusal to learn about you before sleeping with you. It’s a combination of a lot of things. These things mixed up to create a meal most guys don’t find as valuable as they used to.
It’s a sad truth. Many guys don’t value modern women as they valued women of the past. Complaining doesn’t help. It’s like guys who complain about women making more money than them. It doesn’t help. Both need to stop.
Remember. Don’t seek agreement. Seek understanding.
GIRLFRIEND STATUS FROM A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE
Girlfriend status tells a man, “We’re in application status.”
I know that statement might sting. If you’re a girlfriend you’re just applying. There is no guarantee you will be accepted. The man knows this. So, he hedges himself. He will leave windows open for possibility. Remember he hasn’t told you he loves you. Neither have you.
Don’t get upset he isn’t fully committed to you. You aren’t either.
A man who is a boyfriend will keep potential wives in his orbit. He might not visit their planet, but he will keep his ship ready to leave.
This might hurt ladies. This might not be what you want to hear. I’m not here to tell you what you want to hear. That’s what your boyfriends do. I’m trying to increase your understanding about men. Their thoughts are different than yours.
I am also not saying he is sleeping with other women. I am also not saying he is a dog. I am not saying it’s okay to hump the whole world.
But.
We must be honest.
A boyfriend girlfriend relationship is summed up in a quick rant,
“Hey, I want to sleep with you. I won’t sleep with other people, but I don’t know if you’re the last person I will ever be with. I don’t want to live together. I don’t want to pay your bills. I don’t want to have children with you. I don’t want to do anything which fully commits us. I just want emotional intimacy with exclusive sex. If we know each other a bit more I might take that step.”
FIANCE STATUS FOR A MAN
This is the point where men typically close all doors. A man who proposes has a certain mindset. This man decided he doesn’t want anyone else.
This stage unfortunately is typically the most loyal stage.
I wish marriage was that stage. Marriage should be that stage. Marriage can be that stage. It takes a lot of mental work on the side of a man.
For a man to keep this mindset he must prioritize legacy, family, and reputation. Religion is a great drive for a man to stay loyal to marriage.
Remember, historically marriage served an important aspect in nearly all religions. It was less about legal recourse and more about divine recourse. Men who have deep faith typically have difficulty reconciling a failed marriage. Motivators like these can power men through rough emotional rough times.
What upsets these dynamics is creating uncertainty.
UNCERTAINTY MEANS NO CERTAINTY
Men are very pragmatic about relationships. This means our thoughts focus on why things make sense. The only compromise guys typically make is sex. Guys do things which don’t make sense all the time for sex. After many guys’ one-month struggle, for 5-minute success, most typically gain some sense of clarity.
In these moments men analyze why they are in a situation.
If the situation does not appear conducive to their lifestyle, values, and goals they typically withdraw.
The better thing to do would be thinking this way before sex; however, many guys don’t do it. So, we are where we are. Again, complaining doesn’t help. What helps is understanding why guys choose to stay around.
Guys stay around because of certainty. If a guy is uncertain about something he will not risk his lifestyle, values, or goals to try. It’s that simple.
HOW MOST MODERN MEN SEE MOST MODERN WOMEN
Men still see women the way they always have. Women do not change how a man views them if money is present. Women independence factors little into many guys’ choice of wife. Most things women struggle for today do not increase their desirability.
Most women struggle for things men historically always possessed. As a result, a woman showing a man what he is already used to seeing in men doesn’t increase her attractiveness. Men often associate newfound women treasures with males. This occurs on both a subconscious and conscious level.
Heterosexual men are not attracted to heterosexual men. Showing a heterosexual man what he always sees in men doesn’t motivate his desire. Depending on how this newfound power is wielded it can come off as threatening.
WHAT CREATES UNATTRACTIVENESS IN MEN
Women you are good at spotting bad actors. You all have become experts at identifying bad people. You are good at forecasting who will manipulate, abuse, and use their money to control you.
Men are starting to learn this skill too.
The behavior issues once exclusive to men are now importing to women. The reason? A controlling, selfish and manipulative person is a human fallacy. This fallacy is not exclusive to men or women. The fallacy lives within all people regardless of sex.
Every person must develop good morals, values, and ethics to resist the natural urge of human selfishness. Only when we manage our selfishness can we reduce ego to learn humility. Women are proud too. Women have egos too. The traits you see in men also exist in women.
CONTRIBUTING TO UNCERTAINTY MEANS YOU CERTAINLY WON’T HAVE A MAN
People who are ill prepared for the effects of financial success often have bad qualities amplified. This now includes women.
Money’s intoxication is an equal opportunity employer. Often this intoxication manifests itself in some women as, “I don’t need no man. I want a man. I want a man on my terms or not at all.” This translates to men as, “She wants to control me and make me behave a certain way. If I don’t behave, she won’t want me any longer. She is at best my mother and at worst a woman who only cares about herself.”
This type of demeanor gives men uncertainty. A successful relationship requires two people actively working together for “us” not “I”. The word Independence starts with “I”. Remember that.
Men must do certain things, act a certain way, and show up consistently to earn a woman’s trust. Similar, women must do certain things, act a certain way, and show up consistently to earn a man’s loyalty.
As we strive for a more egalitarian society, we must remember both partners work for success. No one has entitled rights. Being present on day one doesn’t entitle anyone to exclusivity, loyalty, or trust. All of that is earned. Anything else is entitlement. Entitlement fuels ego. Ego is the enemy. Is ego getting in the way of a committed relationship? Ego applies equally to men and women.
To your knowledge success!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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