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Transcript provided by YouTube:
0:00
if we feel resentful because we are
0:03
constantly in deficit in this
0:05
relationship we have to be willing to
0:08
take a step back
0:10
and say I am going to give less
0:13
[Music]
0:17
one of the things that’s important is to
0:20
recalibrate
0:22
how much we give to a relationship based
0:25
on
0:27
what we get from that relationship
0:31
we can’t be in relationships where the
0:34
giving is always in One Direction where
0:36
there is a disproportionate amount of
0:38
energy in One Direction and I’m I want
0:40
everyone to understand here I’m not
0:42
talking necessarily even romantically
0:44
I’m talking about the friendships we
0:46
have in our life the family the people
0:49
we’re the closest to
0:51
we cannot endure in a relationship
0:54
without resentment where we are
0:57
constantly the ones who are giving
0:59
and we do not feel like we get the same
1:01
back resentment arises out of a deficit
1:06
and what happens is because we’ve
1:09
learned to play a certain role in those
1:11
relationships maybe it’s how we get our
1:13
validation is being The Giver being the
1:16
pleaser being the generous one maybe
1:17
it’s how we feel secure is because we
1:22
feel like if we keep giving to this
1:23
relationship it won’t go away maybe it’s
1:26
what we’re comfortable with is part of
1:28
our identity and our image that we are
1:32
that person
1:33
and
1:35
we don’t really know how to have a
1:36
different Dynamic with this person and
1:38
and of course when you are also prone to
1:42
guilt
1:43
when you don’t do things for people that
1:46
becomes a very bad combination because
1:49
the moment you try to give less you will
1:52
feel the onset of that guilt and that
1:54
fear
1:55
and just that General discomfort of
1:57
having done something new and created a
2:00
new dynamic in the relationship
2:02
but if we feel resentful because we are
2:07
constantly in deficit in this
2:08
relationship
2:10
and we put much more energy into it than
2:12
they do
2:13
we have to be willing to take a step
2:17
back
2:18
and say I am going to give less
2:22
and I’m going to give less because I
2:25
know this person is not about to give
2:29
more certainly not anytime soon
2:32
that you know for me to expect that
2:36
they’re suddenly going to give more
2:38
is a fantasy
2:40
that me giving more and more and more
2:41
doesn’t equate to them giving more so
2:43
it’s not like if I double down on this
2:45
giving strategy they’re all of a sudden
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gonna
2:48
wake up and give me more because they
2:50
realize oh my god I’ve suddenly realized
2:53
that they give me so much I’m going to
2:54
do more
2:55
so giving more isn’t the answer
2:57
and giving the same amount you have been
2:59
isn’t the answer because that’s already
3:01
making you resentful
3:04
so it goes to a point where expecting
3:07
that we are going to keep doing what
3:09
we’re doing and that they are going to
3:11
change
3:12
is a a kind of delusion
3:16
a willful delusion because they’ve not
3:20
done anything different this is who they
3:22
are
3:22
what evidence do we have for the fact
3:24
that they’re suddenly going to change
3:26
that they you know are they doing a lot
3:28
a lot of introspective work on
3:30
themselves
3:31
have they expressed to you that they are
3:33
working to do better in this area
3:35
are you seeing evidence of it
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if the answer is no to those questions
3:39
then the only logical and rational
3:43
response to relationships where we feel
3:46
constantly in deficit and therefore
3:48
resentful
3:49
is to start giving less
3:53
and for those of you who are used to
3:56
giving a lot that will be an intensely
3:59
uncomfortable thing to do
4:02
you will fear losing the relationships
4:06
you’ll feel guilty
4:08
and by the way those people will often
4:10
make you feel guilty because they’ve
4:12
been used to what you’ve been giving for
4:13
a long time
4:15
so they will feel entitled
4:17
to what you’ve been giving and they will
4:19
take for granted that giving when you
4:22
try to take it away what no one likes is
4:25
change that affects them negatively
4:28
so
4:29
they will reflexively
4:32
tend to be frustrated or mad or confused
4:37
or upset
4:39
what’s wrong why are you doing this why
4:41
aren’t you doing this anymore
4:43
I asked you for this and you didn’t get
4:45
back you know you you told me no that’s
4:48
not normal there’s something wrong with
4:50
you
4:51
and some people may just be indifferent
4:53
to it you may come to realize there are
4:55
certain people you give less to and even
4:58
worse than them complaining they don’t
5:00
complain
5:01
they they don’t even notice
5:05
but in in either case what you have is a
5:09
situation where
5:10
you’re giving less is the recipe to
5:14
starting to lessen your resentment
5:18
and that’s really important because
5:20
resentment is energy
5:22
it’s energy that you’re burning up is
5:24
energy that you’re wasting and it’s
5:26
hurting you to hold on to that
5:28
resentment
5:29
and the problem with resentment is we
5:31
end up becoming a broken record in our
5:33
lives
5:35
there are people in your isn’t there
5:37
someone in your life that you share your
5:38
resentment with
5:40
when you complain about somebody
5:43
and how many times has that person had
5:46
to hear your resentment
5:48
how many times have you repeated it
5:50
how many times have you told the same
5:52
story
5:53
enough to be a broken record
5:56
enough to be annoying enough to be a
6:00
complete bore on this subject because
6:02
the person opposite you could rightly
6:04
say to you I don’t want to hear about
6:06
this anymore
6:07
you’ve been talking about it for months
6:09
or years and I want to keep hearing how
6:12
frustrated you are with this person I
6:13
don’t want to keep hearing how resentful
6:15
you are of this person do something
6:17
about it
6:20
so that resentment makes us
6:23
repetitive it makes us a boar
6:28
it makes us difficult to be around
6:31
at a certain point
6:33
the only way to lessen our resentment is
6:36
to start to give less
6:39
and when we do we will have to deal with
6:42
the next set of feelings that come
6:46
as I said the first will be fear and
6:48
guilt
6:50
I’m afraid
6:52
and I don’t want to hurt this person I
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don’t want to upset them
6:57
I don’t want them to go without because
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I’m now not doing this for them
7:02
and then there will be the guilt
7:04
I feel bad
7:07
you know I feel bad I feel like I should
7:09
do it but what you have to remember
7:13
is that
7:15
the reason you’re resentful in the first
7:17
place is because you’re giving so much
7:19
more
7:20
than this person is while you’re feeling
7:23
guilty this person isn’t thinking about
7:25
you in that way
7:27
if they were thinking about you in that
7:29
way
7:31
they would have done more sooner
7:34
but they’re not so your guilt is an
7:37
experience you’re having on your own
7:42
because they’re not feeling that
7:46
they haven’t all this time been saying
7:48
oh it makes me feel really guilty that
7:50
I’m I’m not I’m not doing enough in this
7:52
relationship
7:53
they’re not thinking that way
7:56
it’s just you
7:59
remember that when you feel guilty
8:04
and sometimes it can be useful to have
8:07
that guilt
8:10
turn into
8:11
or a morph into some anger I’m angry I’m
8:15
frustrated that I’ve been giving so much
8:17
for so long and this person has given so
8:19
little back
8:20
I’m mad
8:22
and someone once told me anger can be a
8:25
great antidote to guilt
8:28
when you look at the inequity
8:31
of a relationship
8:33
and it makes you mad
8:36
that’s a good antidote to your guilt
8:40
and if you’re guilt prone remind
8:43
yourself why you’ve had to do this in
8:46
the first place and you’ll remind
8:47
yourself of the inequity in the
8:49
relationship and that should make you a
8:51
bit more mad than guilty
8:54
but there’s something I want to address
9:00
when you give less
9:05
you’re not giving less as a tactic
9:07
because you think that by giving less
9:09
it’s going to give someone a wake-up
9:10
call and all of a sudden they’re going
9:12
to give you what you’ve been hoping for
9:13
all along
9:15
it’s possible
9:18
that that may happen
9:20
it’s unlikely
9:22
but it’s possible that you pulling back
9:25
is just the jolt they needed to stop
9:27
taking you for granted and to realize
9:29
how much you brought to their life and
9:31
that it isn’t free and that they do need
9:33
to earn it and they the way they earn it
9:35
is by shaping up and showing up in your
9:37
relationship together that may happen
9:42
but that’s not why we’re doing this it’s
9:45
not a tactic
9:46
it’s a recipe for peace
9:51
what’s much more likely to happen
9:54
is that you will give less
9:58
and that the relationship
10:01
will just find a new equilibrium
10:05
and that new equilibrium will be one
10:08
where there’s just less
10:11
where there’s just less in the
10:13
relationship
10:16
because what you’ll likely come to
10:19
realize is that so much of the
10:21
relationship was propped up by you
10:25
and the things you were doing
10:28
so when you’re not propping it up when
10:31
you’re not supporting it when you’re not
10:32
being the glue when you’re not doing all
10:34
of this work
10:36
there will just be less of the
10:37
relationship
10:39
in both of your lives
10:41
and
10:44
what people I don’t think talk about
10:46
enough
10:48
when addressing changing Dynamics in
10:51
relationships
10:52
is they’ll go as far as to say that if
10:56
you give less
10:58
you will be less resentful
11:02
but a lot of people don’t talk about the
11:04
grief that then
11:05
follows that
11:07
that when you step back from a
11:10
relationship and as a result that
11:13
relationship doesn’t chase you instead
11:15
it just kind of
11:18
ends up being a different kind of
11:20
relationship altogether maybe one that’s
11:22
less close
11:24
one way you talk less one where you you
11:28
know don’t have that sense that you’ve
11:31
you know kind of had in your head that
11:33
you have each other’s backs and you’re
11:34
always there for each other and you’re
11:35
always thinking about each other and
11:37
you’re gonna you know your thick as
11:38
thieves you just don’t have that now
11:42
that comes with a sense of of real
11:44
disappointment and it comes with the the
11:49
necessity of grieving
11:52
that relationship
11:54
in its form that you had it before
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and that’s not to say you know what that
12:01
relationship is going to be in a year or
12:04
two years or five years you don’t it
12:06
could change again
12:08
that person could grow and could shift
12:10
and you might end up meeting a different
12:13
version of that person over time
12:15
but right now
12:17
you cannot have any of those
12:19
expectations for the relationship
12:23
the really difficult truth
12:27
is that you need to be ready
12:30
for it to be a different kind of
12:32
relationship than the one that you’ve
12:33
been supporting all this time
12:36
and that can come with a profound
12:40
sadness
12:42
especially when it’s someone very very
12:44
close to you especially when it’s
12:46
someone you love so deeply
12:50
and that sadness will want to make you
12:53
run back to what you were doing before
12:56
it will make you want to go straight
12:58
back to the old patterns in the
13:00
relationship
13:01
and what you have to remind yourself of
13:04
is that
13:06
there’s no happiness for you there in
13:08
this relationship you will not be
13:09
peaceful in that relationship by going
13:11
back to that place all that will happen
13:14
is Brick by Brick you will start
13:16
building up that resentment all over
13:19
again
13:21
and once again having that conversation
13:23
with that friend about this situation
13:25
and how unhappy it makes you and how
13:28
resentful you feel and how you you can’t
13:30
take another day of it and it’s driving
13:32
you crazy and you’re so mad
13:35
the only path forward
13:39
that involves more peace
13:42
and more self-love more self-compassion
13:47
is one where you find a new equilibrium
13:50
in that relationship altogether
13:54
because if you don’t do these things for
13:56
this person that go out of your way that
13:58
tend to their needs that reflexively
14:00
just show up to please them at every
14:02
opportunity
14:04
reach out even though they’re not
14:06
reaching out to you if you don’t do
14:08
those things what it actually means is
14:10
when you do connect with that person you
14:13
can connect with a better energy
14:16
because you won’t have been bleeding out
14:18
this whole time with your energy
14:21
so you get to bring better energy in the
14:23
moments you do have with this person
14:26
but like I said The Grieving
14:30
is the knowledge that you may have less
14:32
of them
14:34
and the relationship may not be as close
14:36
the reason I wanted to make this
14:38
particular episode is because
14:42
I think we talk about resentment a lot
14:44
in relationships I think we talk about
14:46
the need to set new boundaries in
14:48
relationships I think we talk about the
14:50
need to give less
14:51
in relationships that aren’t serving us
14:54
or where people are not giving nearly as
14:56
much as we are to the relationship and
14:59
are acting selfishly when you’re acting
15:01
altruistically
15:04
but I don’t think we talk enough about
15:07
the grief that accompanies changing a
15:10
relationship Dynamic with someone we
15:12
love
15:13
and I’m not talking about a romantic
15:15
relationship here because
15:17
a romantic relationships it’s a lot more
15:20
tricky you can’t have an arm’s length
15:23
romantic relationship not a happy one
15:24
anyway
15:26
uh and you can’t have a relationship and
15:29
still have other relationships that are
15:31
intimate it’s at least if you’re being
15:34
monogamous that offset what you don’t
15:36
get from that relationship you’re either
15:38
in or you’re out
15:40
whereas when it comes to family and
15:41
friends
15:43
you can
15:44
create a different kind of relationship
15:46
with somebody and offset the loss
15:49
by doubling down on other relationships
15:52
in your life that do serve you that do
15:55
feel more equal
15:58
but we have to be willing
16:01
to let go either temporarily or
16:04
permanently
16:05
of
16:07
the relationship that we’ve had in our
16:09
head
16:10
that we’ve been propping up all along
16:13
and that takes grieving
16:16
before you go I have a free video for
16:18
you to watch over at
16:20
moveonstrong.com if you right now keep
16:23
obsessing over somebody that you are
16:25
struggling to get over maybe because
16:27
part of you wants them back but you also
16:29
kind of know that might be a terrible
16:30
idea but also part of you wants to move
16:32
on but you don’t know how because you
16:34
don’t feel strong enough go watch this
16:36
video I promise you it’s going to help
16:38
the link is moveonstrong.com and it’s
16:42
free I’ll see you there
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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