My husband was getting ready to go rabbit hunting the other morning. Somehow, during this process, our 5-year-old son imagined himself into thinking that he would be tagging along. “Oh no, baby, not today,” I said. “It’s too cold and they have to walk too far and through so many brambles. Papa will take you hunting another time. Someplace that will be easier for you to walk around.”
At once, our son’s world crumbled around him, accompanied by copious tears and a whole lot of shrieking and wailing. It…was…epic.
Naturally, I tried to hurry my husband along. “Just put your stuff in the car and head out. The kid will be okay when you leave,” I assured. After all, isn’t that what the caretakers at daycares and schools all around the country tell us, parents, when we have to leave our terrified, shrieking children with them? “Go along, parents! Your children will be fine. This won’t cause lasting psychological harm.”
Or will it?
My empathic husband shrugged off my attempts to hurry the situation along. He spent a half-hour repeating the same things—over and over–to our howling, wailing, crying boy that stood before us. “It’s too cold. We won’t be stopping for snacks. There are too many brambles, too much swamp. Later in the week, we’ll go on a special trip. Just you and me. How does that sound?” Non-stop crying quickly ensued.
Then, just as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. Our son stopped crying and said, “Oh. It’s too cold and too far to walk and we’ll go to an easier spot for hunting rabbits, later? Um…yeah…OK,” he said. “I’ll stay here with Mommy and watch shows, then.” So, shaken and quiet, our son walked to the living room, hopped on the couch, and snuggled up with a comforter, waiting for me to come in and put on a cartoon for him.
I was so grateful! My husband stuck it out and waited until our son felt safe, again.
Now, I know that society isn’t structured for this kind of time and patience every time our children have to stay at daycare. I can’t help but wonder, though, how some of our collective, psychological wounds might heal if we could just give our sons (and daughters!) the power of patience? I’m not trying to make you feel guilty for leaving your child at daycare without cuddling them for a half hour, first. We do what we have to do. We all do our best. Maybe, however, there are “windows,” where this kind of patience can enter your lives and work its wonders.
Before I saw the magical transition in our son, going from full-on panic attack to being totally on-board with what was happening, I would have said, “Just go. He’ll never stop this fussing if you stay here coddling him.” Now that I’ve seen this full process play-out, I feel it in my bones that our children need this. I needed this. We all needed this incredible patience and love in the face of incomprehensible childhood fear.
So, why not give our children the power of patience? It just may be the answer we’ve all been waiting for.
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