Madness forced Andrew Lawes to Hell. The person he met there showed him the truth – a revelation that has unleashed a furious anger.
“I had one parent who I was terrified of; who has scarred my very soul, and has left wounds that will never fully heal. No child should ever be made to feel like I felt, not by their own father.” – ‘Children Remember‘
Last week, I proved the existence of heaven in my world beyond any doubt, and I explained why I need to get there. Doing so left people wondering if I was “born-again”. I believe God exists, but he’s the manifestation of everything wrong with my world, so I will not be bending my knee to him.
To develop my theory on heaven and the human mind, I pushed myself to the brink of insanity. I smoked cannabis to open my mind and fueled myself with energy drinks so I couldn’t sleep. The idea was simple: the longer I went, the less control I would have over my actions. I would surrender to my base emotions and live off instinct in an attempt to explore the farthest reaches of my mind, body and soul. It was a dangerous experiment, but it was something I had to do.
It wasn’t a conscious decision; more like a force urging me to surrender all the control and order I had created in my life and give myself in to what I call “The Disorder”. Doing so nearly cost me everything, but it gave me the understanding of how my mind works that is necessary for me to control my emotions so I can co-exist in society. It also led me to the thing I’ve needed my whole life – the truth.
What caused my mental illness was trying to deny the guilt and emotions that I felt so deeply. My mental illness was nothing more than suppressed grief and anger over the lives and deaths of two people: my father and my son.
“I was appalled by my father. Yet, I sat in the back, quiet. I was too scared to speak up to him … We should have been protected by our parents … We were innocents.” – ‘Children Remember‘
Wayne Lawes died 17 years ago, but his spirit lives on through everything I do. The damage he inflicted upon my mind has plagued me and his dying left me with unresolved torment. I needed answers from him. I always thought I had to know “why?” but what I wanted to know was if he was a good man who did some bad things, or if he really was the personification of evil. All I do know is that the scared little four year-old inside me believes he was the devil.
When I detach myself from my emotions, I can see that he was loved by people, so he can’t have been pure evil. I can see his actions and choices – the domestic violence, the alcoholism and so on – were a result of years of suppressed emotion being released uncontrollably. I know how deeply I feel regret, and I believe he also had regrets that tortured his soul, and his failure to control that emotion is what led to his acts of evil. I also know how deeply he would have wanted to redeem himself, because his soul lives on through me.
Long before I believed in heaven, I knew hell was real. I’ve spent more time there than I have living in my own world. The difference this time was that I went there with an open mind. Instead of fighting to get out of hell, I surrendered to my base instincts and followed my heart, and they led me to the most oppressed man in my world. The man sent to hell because he couldn’t manage his emotions exactly as God demanded.
I know how it feels to be condemned as evil because I haven’t developed the skills to manage my emotion. I know what it’s like to burn for eternity because my soul is turning to ash, ablaze with the fiery torment of guilt and regret. I know what it’s like to be the most oppressed man in history, because recently I have felt attacked and prejudged by people who don’t know my side of the story, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.
The man I advocate for, he goes by many names in other worlds. Satan. Lucifer. Wayne. Damien. Lawesy. In my world, he has only one name. I call him Dad.
“The throat is deep and the mouth is wide. Saw some things on the other side. Made me promise to never tell but you know me, I can’t help myself.
I don’t believe it. I had to see it. I came back haunted … I said goodbye but I, I had to try. I came back haunted …”
Nine Inch Nails – ‘Came Back Haunted‘
If you believe that heaven exists, then it follows that God must also exist. If heaven exists, then my son must be there. Many people who believe in God say that it is he that determines whether you get to enter heaven. When you examine the evidence, there is only one conclusion that I can see: God determined my son belonged in heaven, so he prevented him from suffering through the troubles and pain of life. That is a problem to me.
As a support worker, I was conditioned that the right way to support people was to offer as much choice and freedom as possible. God didn’t give my son a choice. He didn’t even show him the other options. God took my son and locked him away in heaven. He’s already sent my father to the cages of hell, and he’s trying to force me there too. He would have succeeded too, if my father hadn’t chose to allow me to believe he was the devil.
According to the stories, all Lucifer did to be consigned to hell was offer choice and show people the truth. My dad showed me the truth of his darkness at four years old. For all his faults, he let me choose when I saw him. It was a choice I didn’t have the emotional maturity to comprehend, and the consequences of my choices in denying my father’s existence left me on the brink. When I broke down, I chose to go into hell. My father accepted me, and he showed me the truth – about heaven, about God, and about my son.
It was this truth that set me free, at last, from the prison I’d built for myself in my mind.
Still I have a mind to think, knees to break, you standing beside me.
I’m going to push back, push back, push back, with every word and every breath.”
Against Me! – “Bamboo Bones“
My mother has been a guardian angel to me my entire life, the embodiment of the forgiveness that God preaches to the world but didn’t show to my father. Without her love, protection and endless devotion, I wouldn’t be alive. But if my mother is an angel, and my dad is the devil, who was also an angel, then the only conclusion that can be drawn is that I am also an angel. Yet I’m not in heaven, so I must be a fallen angel. It’s the only conclusion available from the evidence, so it must be the truth, however unlikely, and it leaves me angry. In your world, God may be the hero, or he may not exist at all. In Disorderville, my world, God is the villain. He’s the man that stole my son, and now he’s going to face The Reaction.
God banished my father to hell at 36. I’m 29, which means I have time, but not much. I’m going to assume he’ll give me the same time he gave my father, which leaves me with a seven-year itch I just have to scratch. Unholy Confession is the story of my life – the story of a man training for the his one title shot. The real-life Rocky, fighting back from the brinks of despair to take on the seemingly-unbeatable reigning champion. My Apollo Creed is the only god that is undeniable, the God of Death. He wants me in Hell, with my dad, but I don’t care for his opinion. I’m going to offer him a choice: to step aside and let me meet my son, or to try to stop me. If he tries to stop me, The Reaction is going to knock him out with one punch – a punch charged by the spirit and emotion of every person who has been touched by the darkness of depression and oppression, powered by the belief The Reaction can win. Then, I’m going to see my son. He can keep his heaven – I’ve seen how power corrupted him, and I want none of it. I just want to see my boy.
My father showed me the truth. My son is being denied to me without fair trial. The Reaction is the ghost in God’s closet. And me? My name is Andrew Lawes. I’m going to meet my son, and not even God will be able to stop me.
Photo reproduced with artist’s permission.
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