Nearly half of adults in America claim that dating is harder than it was 10 years ago.
Is it dating apps? Hookup culture?
The “Brads” and “Chads” versus the Incels?
Maybe it’s the 90-day rule, the “dating roster,” or other advice you’ll get from Female Dating Strategy?
Or maybe it’s the Andrew Tate’s of the world versus the rage of modern Feminism?
Regardless of the cause, dating has gotten a heck of a lot more complicated.
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“Men today are expected to work ten times as hard as their grandfathers to compete for women who are ten times worse than their grandmothers.”
I read this comment under a YouTube video recently.
It made me laugh, but is there any truth to it?
Why is dating in modern society so much more difficult than it was back in the day?
In our grandparents’ days, dating prospects were limited.
People were generally limited to those from their geographical area — like neighbors, family friends, classmates, or co-workers.
There was no online dating, rarely long-distance-meeting, and absolutely no sliding into DMs on Instagram or Twitter.
So back in the day, women (and men) had significantly fewer options.
And, without social media, nobody knew what they could be missing.
While this may not have necessarily been a good thing for some, it certainly made it easier for people to settle down and choose a partner without wondering “what else might be out there.”
When you couple this paradox of choice (having too many choices) with the pressures young people face today, you get the complicated world of modern dating.
The cost of living has gone up.
A college degree is becoming the baseline expectation for young people in many cities — where it used to be a privilege of the cream of the crop.
Masculinity and feminity are now hardly defined (and under attack from every angle).
Gender roles are fluid and ever-changing.
Nobody knows what a woman or man is “supposed to be” anymore.
And yet, many single people have a laundry list of expectations for their future partner.
We wonder why so many people are single.
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Where men get it wrong…
Men will complain about not being able to find a “traditional woman.”
You know, a woman who cooks and cleans, and wants to stay at home and raise kids. One who doesn’t have a lot of previous sexual partners — dare I say, is still a virgin.
A woman who looks stunning without makeup, who is perfectly groomed and well-kept at all times, who doesn’t want him for his money, and who will love and adore everything he does.
But is it fair to ask for that?
If you want a “stay-at-home mom”, can she expect you to bring in the household income? Can she expect you to be the breadwinner…or is that just “wanting you for your money”?
If she spends most of her time homemaking, do you really expect her to consistently make waxing, nail, and hair appointments to keep up her appearance?
If she carries herself with a certain level of class (or dare I say virtue) do you really expect her to want a man with a promiscuous past? Or one who’s addicted to porn?
Don’t be contradictory.
If you want a “traditional woman,” you need to be able to offer her the security of a “traditional man.”
If you want her to stay at home and mind the little ones, you need to work hard enough so that she can stay at home.
If you want her to be a good mother, chef, and housekeeper, you can’t expect her to be groomed, primed, and polished all the time. There are only 24 hours in a day.
If you want a virtuous, classy woman, you must be a virtuous, classy man.
Promiscuity isn’t attractive on you guys, either.
Where women get it wrong…
Women will complain about not being able to find decent men who actually want a committed relationship.
But we don’t just want any man.
We also want an attractive, confident, successful, well-respected, well-connected, fit, tall, buff, and…well, the list goes on.
And somehow, this type of man is supposed to also be kind, thoughtful, virtuous, and loyal to one woman.
Does that add up?
Do you really expect the same guy who chases money and spends four hours a day at the gym will be eager to settle down and selflessly love a woman?
Not likely.
By and large, I have seen normal, average men treat women the best.
I wouldn’t recommend women date a bum.
But please, don’t write him off just because he isn’t 6-feet tall or making 6 figures, or has an eight-pack.
Superficial qualities like these don’t make a good man and have no bearing on his ability to love you or treat you like a queen.
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Final thoughts
Dating is harder than ever because men and women are both missing the mark in different ways.
Our standards and expectations are too high for others, and too low for ourselves.
If you want a good woman — focus on being a good man.
And if you want a good man — don’t write him off over superficial qualities.
Dating would be a whole lot easier.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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