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Transcript provided by YouTube:
0:00
[Music]
0:01
foreign
0:05
again actually look like it’s a scary
0:10
time
0:11
it’s a time when
0:13
you the game may have changed
0:16
you may find yourself in a dating
0:18
Paradigm that you just don’t relate to
0:20
maybe the last time you dated it was a
0:22
very different landscape
0:25
maybe it just seems like the wild west
0:27
to you now you don’t even know how to
0:31
get started
0:32
maybe your life has become so routine
0:36
and so you you’ve had a certain kind of
0:39
life for such a long time
0:42
that you’re now faced with a completely
0:44
new way of living a new lifestyle maybe
0:47
your entire social life left with the
0:51
old relationship
0:54
maybe you moved in the process
0:57
maybe you’re living in a different place
0:59
now
1:01
that you find yourself starting from the
1:03
ground up
1:05
what does it actually look like what
1:08
advice would we give
1:10
to someone in this position
1:13
so
1:14
I think it’s worth quoting here John K
1:18
in his book oblique
1:22
where he talks about the idea that the
1:26
best route to any goal is indirect
1:33
that he talks you know if you want to
1:35
make money you don’t Focus directly on
1:38
making money you focus on creating
1:40
something of immense value to people
1:43
making an amazing product making an
1:46
amazing service providing value
1:49
providing entertainment doing something
1:51
that will attract money to you
1:55
um
1:57
and we could talk about our love life as
1:59
being a good case example of that
2:02
concept that there are things if you
2:06
drew a line down the middle of a page
2:08
you could say that on the left there are
2:11
things that are directly related to
2:16
building a love life
2:18
those might include
2:21
joining an app
2:24
approaching people that you find
2:26
attractive going on dates
2:31
and then there would be things on the
2:35
right hand side
2:36
that indirectly contribute to having a
2:40
great love life
2:42
because starting again
2:44
doesn’t just have to mean the things
2:47
that directly and literally relate to
2:50
dating
2:52
it can also involve a lot of things that
2:54
as a byproduct of doing them
2:58
will bring you either more opportunity
3:01
in your love life either because you
3:03
meet more people
3:05
um
3:06
or it will make you more confident by
3:08
doing that thing and that will have an
3:10
impact on your love life
3:13
because you’ll be a different person in
3:15
conversation because you’ll have more to
3:17
talk about because you’ll be able to
3:19
maintain certain standards because you
3:21
have this Baseline of confidence that
3:23
comes from other things that you’re
3:25
doing in your life
3:27
so there are direct ways
3:31
to attract love again and there are
3:33
indirect or as John K puts it oblique
3:36
ways
3:37
to
3:39
start again
3:40
and improve our love life the thing that
3:43
Springs to mind for me
3:45
is the idea that you talk about on your
3:47
retreat map of turning your plan B into
3:51
your plan A
3:52
I think if you’re starting over it’s
3:54
probably not you’re probably not in the
3:56
position that you wish you were you’re
3:57
probably not
4:00
the like the course that you’re you’re
4:02
sort of going through right now isn’t
4:04
the one you anticipated and it might not
4:06
be the one that you
4:07
you know wish was happening
4:09
so I think it’s about almost reframing
4:12
the reality of your situation now so as
4:15
a starting point before anything else
4:17
so that you can actually go into it
4:20
without an energy of sort of regret and
4:22
Melancholy towards how you wish things
4:25
were or
4:26
should have been but rather just
4:30
excitement for what the future has to
4:32
hold with this new plan B which is now
4:34
plan a I always look
4:37
at any stage of my life
4:40
for
4:42
a role model or inspiration or emotional
4:48
reference point
4:51
that kind of aligns with the stage of
4:55
life I’m in
4:56
I remember when I first watched
4:58
Guardians of the Galaxy the first one
5:02
this is gonna sound so silly before I go
5:04
any further in this video I want to tell
5:06
everyone I want to announce to you that
5:08
at the beginning of this new year we
5:11
have just released our early bird
5:14
tickets for the virtual retreat they are
5:17
available until the end of the month the
5:19
virtual Retreat is coming up this June
5:22
and this is the best time to be a part
5:24
of it because we have some special early
5:26
bird bonuses and the early bird ticket
5:29
means you get 200 off the actual price
5:33
of the event so go grab it now what
5:35
better way to kick off your year than to
5:37
guarantee your progress with the virtual
5:40
Retreat go to MH
5:42
virtualretreat.com to grab your early
5:45
bird ticket now
5:46
to the video when I first watched
5:49
Guardians of the Galaxy I was single
5:52
and I had a kind of melancholy at times
5:55
that I wanted to meet someone but I
5:58
hadn’t met someone that I wanted to
6:00
really truly be with
6:02
and
6:04
I remember watching Guardians of the
6:06
Galaxy and Star-Lord
6:09
Chris Pratt’s character
6:12
was this sort of
6:15
single having fun person who was
6:19
gallivanting around the Galaxy just
6:21
making the best of it
6:23
and for whatever it just stuck with me
6:27
as like an emotional reference for like
6:29
I’m all right
6:31
like life’s life’s exciting and it’s fun
6:35
and
6:36
you know there’s Star-Lord and he’s just
6:39
got his ship and he’s going around and
6:41
having fun and making the best of it and
6:44
you know it it like became this weird
6:46
silly reference point for me for like it
6:49
became what I would call on the retreat
6:50
an emotional button
6:53
for the stage of life that I was in
6:56
now that’s no longer like that’s for me
7:00
a reference point that’s no longer the
7:02
same so my reference point may change or
7:05
I might have a new emotional button but
7:09
I would I remember watching The Best
7:11
Exotic Marigold Hotel and thinking if I
7:14
was like
7:15
in my 50s or 60s right now coming out of
7:21
a long relationship and I was finding
7:24
myself starting again
7:26
this movie would be like a fun reference
7:28
point it would it would fill me with a
7:31
sense of adventure for this phase of my
7:34
life it would make me feel like anything
7:36
was still possible it would excite me
7:38
and and that would be an emotional
7:41
button
7:42
for me so I I feel like whether it’s a
7:45
real person in your life that you know
7:48
or whether it’s a movie reference or a
7:50
book that you’ve read that gets you
7:54
excited about something like to me The
7:56
Old Man and the Sea just by Hemingway
7:59
just always makes me feel like I want to
8:00
just be out
8:02
on a boat doing something difficult you
8:04
know like like if it’s whatever is the
8:06
reference point for you that makes you
8:09
feel emotionally connected to the
8:12
excitement of starting again
8:16
that that’s something to draw on look
8:19
for those moments where you feel like
8:21
you’re emotionally connected to why this
8:24
actually
8:25
is a really exciting new phase because
8:29
that’s a great place to start from
8:32
out it’s all about our Focus where does
8:35
our Focus go if your focus goes to
8:38
oh this is so hard and I never thought
8:40
I’d be single again at this stage of my
8:42
life I never thought I’d have to do this
8:44
and it you’re kind of it’s this
8:46
backwards look at how your blueprint
8:49
didn’t the blueprint you had for
8:51
yourself didn’t materialize or or got
8:53
shattered
8:55
but if instead you just go okay well
8:59
that blueprint happened for a while
9:01
but now I get to have an entirely new
9:05
blueprint
9:06
and I can either sit there grieving the
9:08
old blueprint or I can say actually this
9:10
new blueprint can be really
9:13
this can be a brand new blueprint who
9:15
what references do I have
9:18
for that blueprint being really exciting
9:20
and then make those things you connect
9:23
to make that reference point that
9:25
emotional button something you connect
9:26
to every day I think we make a mistake
9:29
always looking at life linear in a way
9:32
like I was this far ahead now this has
9:34
happened and now I’m backwards and I
9:37
think that’s a very narrow view of what
9:40
life is is this idea of I was this far
9:43
up the mountain and now I’m back here I
9:46
don’t really see things like that I
9:48
don’t see my relationships like that or
9:51
you know having relationships I’ve gone
9:54
through in the past I feel like they’ve
9:55
enriched me and given me all these added
9:59
dimensions and wisdom I certainly don’t
10:01
look at it as being back at square one
10:03
every time I think wow I’ve I’m now
10:05
armed with all this different life
10:08
experience and and knowledge and and
10:11
another thing is I have a kind of weird
10:13
thing
10:14
where I sort of love
10:17
the to go to another movie
10:20
I sort of sometimes love the Shawshank
10:23
redemption-esque demand to have to like
10:27
rebuild piece by piece sometimes I love
10:31
it when I’m I’m back against the wall
10:34
shit’s falling down
10:36
and like okay I’m like I sometimes get
10:41
excited about like doing the comeback
10:44
like I’m gonna I’m getting my [ __ ] back
10:47
now I so I completely relate to
10:51
everything you just said Steve
10:53
and I it reminded me of that line we
10:55
were talking about it the other day and
10:56
the the sunscreen
10:59
that that one line sometimes you’re
11:02
ahead sometimes you’re behind
11:04
um but in the a but in the end the races
11:07
of yourself I think it’s that is that
11:09
right is that how it goes something yeah
11:12
I think it says the race is long and in
11:13
the end it’s only with yourself yeah
11:15
sometimes you’re ahead sometimes you’re
11:17
behind
11:21
it’s beautiful
11:23
um it’s it’s it’s great and I think
11:26
Steve what someone might feel listening
11:29
to you is I I can imagine there might be
11:32
some people going
11:33
yeah I used to feel like that
11:36
I used to feel like you know it was fun
11:39
to have my back against the wall and
11:40
have to fight my way out and that was
11:43
kind of a place that you know in my 30s
11:47
or my 40s I could do that but there
11:49
might be some people who find themselves
11:52
in their 50s or 60s
11:55
back out there again at the end of a
11:58
marriage that they thought would last a
12:00
lifetime
12:01
and going
12:03
and have the energy
12:05
I just
12:07
I just don’t I can’t do this again and
12:10
you know
12:11
I
12:13
I may have
12:16
you know yes there may be something to
12:18
learn from coming back from something
12:20
but I feel like I’ve already come back
12:22
from a bunch of things in my life the
12:24
reality of my life today is that I’d
12:28
prefer to have the person in my life
12:31
than the lesson
12:33
I I I’d prefer companionship over
12:37
another lesson about how tough I can be
12:40
not to mention it is harder when you’re
12:43
older to meet people it’s harder to you
12:46
don’t have as much energy to go out and
12:47
date and gallivant around the Galaxy to
12:50
try and find your person it’s you know
12:53
you might have more time it’s possible
12:54
you might have more time ironically
12:57
possible not for everyone some people
12:59
are still working hard at that time and
13:01
making ends meet but for some people you
13:03
might find you you have more time on
13:05
your hands which is absolutely an
13:07
advantage
13:08
but but yeah there is that there is that
13:11
thing that at a certain point you go I’m
13:13
no I don’t want any more challenges of
13:17
this nature I’m not I this isn’t fun for
13:21
me to have to do this all over again
13:25
and
13:26
I
13:28
I really believe
13:30
that
13:33
firstly what has happened to you if
13:38
someone left you unexpectedly
13:41
is that
13:43
is something that will still happen to
13:45
other people in other ways right
13:48
you could be the person whose partner
13:49
died
13:51
and it’s not that they intentionally
13:53
left you but the result is still the
13:57
same and so
13:59
I think we almost have to reframe it as
14:03
what’s happened to me
14:05
is a possibility for anyone at any point
14:10
in life
14:11
this is just a reality of living that if
14:15
I found love I can lose love either
14:19
because someone decides they want
14:20
something else or because life
14:23
happens
14:24
and they’re taken from me
14:28
and really we only ever have
14:31
you know there’s there’s we have the
14:33
choice to just decide I don’t want to be
14:35
here anymore and we have the choice to
14:36
keep living and if our choice is to keep
14:39
living then the next logical thing to do
14:42
is to say what will allow me to make the
14:46
best of it
14:47
what will allow me to make the best of
14:49
this time
14:50
that I have
14:52
and
14:54
I don’t think that it always has to
14:56
start with well let me get back out
14:57
there and date
14:59
I think sometimes we think so literally
15:00
about dating
15:02
that we we almost we end up overthinking
15:06
it there are plenty of relationships
15:08
that start because we were just in a
15:10
certain place a certain time in our
15:13
lives and we met someone we hit it off
15:15
and we decided to have coffee and it one
15:18
thing led to another and we wouldn’t
15:20
necessarily have even seen or labeled
15:23
the process as I’m dating
15:26
you just happen to be a certain place in
15:29
time and meet another amazing human
15:31
being
15:32
and so I think one of the things that
15:34
can help people start again is to not
15:36
overload
15:37
that word dating with so much meaning
15:41
stop thinking of it in terms of I’m
15:43
going to be dating again
15:47
I think that it’s better to start from a
15:49
place of saying I’m going to be open to
15:51
anything that life offers me
15:54
in the way of experiences in the way of
15:58
of new adventures
16:01
in the way of a new season
16:03
I am just going to go in as someone who
16:08
still deep down even if life is
16:10
incredibly challenging right now still
16:12
deep down
16:13
believes that that
16:16
there is something worthwhile about life
16:21
and even if I can’t find it in me to say
16:24
that there’s something magical or
16:26
exciting about life right now even if I
16:28
can’t connect to that
16:30
I’m gonna
16:32
I’m gonna be humble enough to remain in
16:35
a place of curiosity
16:38
about
16:39
what possibilities there may be in life
16:42
either to meet someone interesting
16:45
or to do something interesting or to
16:48
have an experience that turns out was
16:50
actually incredibly rewarding
16:52
I’m gonna remain open
16:55
to that possibility I you know I’ve
16:58
talked on previous episodes about
17:00
dealing with chronic pain and in the
17:04
worst times and for anyone who doesn’t
17:06
know and maybe we can I can do kind of
17:08
an episode on this at some point but
17:10
when I was in
17:12
the worst time of my chronic pain I’m
17:15
not talking about weeks or months I’m
17:17
talking about years
17:19
of being in a certain place physically
17:22
with pain that that had a dramatic
17:25
impact on my life
17:26
and my world view
17:29
um
17:30
in the thing that got me through those
17:32
times
17:33
was not thinking that life is so magical
17:36
because the truth is when I was in my
17:38
worst pain I didn’t connect to the to
17:40
the magic of life
17:42
I had to just remain open to the
17:45
possibility that it might actually get
17:47
better at some point or that that even
17:49
if my pain didn’t get better that life
17:51
might get better
17:53
than my emotions around it might get
17:55
better and I had to remain open to that
17:57
possibility
17:58
and I think that when we’re starting
18:00
again we don’t have to connect with all
18:02
of the magic of life and the excitement
18:03
and won’t it be fun to meet someone
18:05
again and you might not be there you
18:07
might not be in that place
18:09
but you have to at the very least be
18:13
humble enough view it through the lens
18:15
of humility humility is you do not know
18:17
how you’ll feel in a year you do not
18:19
know how you’ll feel in three years you
18:21
don’t know the meaning that will be in
18:23
your life in five years
18:26
so humility is accepting that you don’t
18:28
know
18:29
and therefore remaining open to what may
18:32
come and even
18:34
being more than open
18:36
being proactive
18:38
about
18:40
creating possibilities that may lead to
18:43
different feelings and new people and
18:46
maybe even new love I’m a huge believer
18:49
in
18:51
the
18:53
things that we can do
18:56
socially the things we can say yes to
18:59
that we wouldn’t normally say yes to the
19:01
activities we can experience that we
19:04
haven’t experienced before and even some
19:07
of the things we’ve convinced ourselves
19:08
we don’t like
19:09
that we that actually come more from a
19:12
place of fearing those things than
19:14
actually truly disliking those things
19:16
that if we start to say yes to some of
19:19
these things and truly build a new life
19:24
that becomes the gateway to everything
19:26
else it becomes the gateway to an uh
19:28
personality changes
19:30
becomes the gateway to growth it becomes
19:33
the gateway to meeting new people new
19:36
conversation new love
19:38
and that then becomes the Catalyst for
19:42
finding love as a byproduct if we want
19:46
it and the most powerful way I have that
19:49
you can do that is by joining us on the
19:52
virtual Retreat like I said to you at
19:54
the beginning of this video is coming up
19:56
in June until the end of January there
19:59
are early bird tickets available with
20:01
special bonuses 200 off the normal
20:04
ticket price and it’s an amazing way to
20:08
tell yourself that this year no matter
20:10
how busy we are or how much we have
20:12
going on or how many responsibilities
20:14
there are I am spending the time to get
20:19
where I want to be and to craft the life
20:21
I want to have so come join us by going
20:24
to
20:25
mhvirtualretreat.com and I will see you
20:28
over there thank you for watching this
20:30
video and welcome to the new year
20:33
foreign
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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