Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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i really believe assuming exclusivity is
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an ex is a very dangerous thing you just
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don’t know until you know until you have
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the conversations
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with somebody
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what is it about the early stages
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that makes it
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so
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difficult
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to have the conversation
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about where it’s going
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let’s talk about that for a moment
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because
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that is at the crux
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of this right this is
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a difficult conversation to have hey
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where is this going and it’s difficult
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for a reason
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it’s difficult because we think we might
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come across
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too intense
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that we might suddenly seem like we’re
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sucking the fun out of the situation you
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know we were having a romantic time it
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was fun it was exciting and now all of a
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sudden
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it’s almost like we’re worried we’ve
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become high maintenance we’re worried
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that we’re giving away our power if we
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suddenly start talking about commitment
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or what we want because
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we’re being honest we’re being honest
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about the fact that we like them enough
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to want it to go somewhere so it can
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feel like we’re giving up our power in
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that moment we may not know how to have
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the conversation
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and
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importantly
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we’re really afraid of getting an answer
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we don’t want
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and that is at the heart of all of this
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if we knew if we were guaranteed
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that when we said hey you know where do
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you see this going somebody else said oh
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my god i’m like having the best time
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with you i want to see where this goes i
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want us to actually give this a real try
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that we would do it in a heartbeat
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but we’re not guaranteed the answer we
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want
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and so i think for a lot of us what’s
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what we’re really afraid of is that the
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party is gonna stop
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when we have this conversation
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because
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if we don’t get the answer we want we’re
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faced with a bit of a predicament
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do i leave this person or i say leave
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there’s nothing to leave in that sense
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but do i stop dating them
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do i stop seeing them
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or do i keep seeing them but now it’s
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kind of like out in the open
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that i’m not
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actually getting my needs met in the way
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that i want or that this isn’t
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progressing in the way that i want so do
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i now feel like i lose some self-respect
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in that do i feel like i lose some
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respect from the other person in that if
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i just keep dating them even though i’ve
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expressed i’d like it to go somewhere
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and they said they don’t want it to does
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my value go down in that situation is it
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even wise to continue it’s always easy
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to continue with something
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when we can kid ourselves that it might
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go somewhere but when someone has
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expressly told us that they don’t want
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more it’s harder to lie to ourselves
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and all we’ve we’re faced with is the
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truth that we’re actually breaking our
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own standards by staying
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all of this is to say
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it’s a lot easier not to talk about it
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it’s a lot easier to go week after week
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month after month without really having
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the conversation about what it is or
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where it is or isn’t going
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so
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steve what are
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i know that you wrote about three
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specific mistakes that people make
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in this area
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what are the three big ones
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so i think the first big mistake is
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assuming and this is all assumptions
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it’s all about assumptions we make by
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default and so
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one default assumption that people tend
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to make is assuming that doing romantic
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things together
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equals commitment someone doing we’ve
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talked about love bombers in the past
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matt we’ve talked about people who
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lavish you with gifts or just smother
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you with attention early on
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they take you on a romantic trip and you
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read into that that that means this
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person
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is serious
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okay got it so if they’re doing things
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with you that feel romantic
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that doesn’t that’s not a sign that it’s
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actually going anywhere
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it can just be a sign that they wanted
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to do something romantic or they enjoy
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getting swept up in the moment they
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enjoy being able to impress you or make
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you feel something but none of those
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things are an actual
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signal
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for intent that they intend for it to go
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somewhere yeah exactly an intent is the
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key there and unfortunately there is a
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personality type that
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gets addicted
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to those expressions of early romance
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that assumes that someone tripling down
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on passion early on means that this must
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be more serious because look at how
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passionate they are about this yeah
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yeah
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okay very good mistake number two
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mistake number two is assuming that sex
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naturally leads to commitment the key
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word being there naturally
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leads to commitment because sex
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can
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be the precursor to commitment there’s
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no rule that says having sex early means
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that you won’t end up in a relationship
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with this person but assuming that just
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because you are regularly being
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physically intimate with this person you
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they come over a few times a week or
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whatever and you sleep together
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assuming that that then means
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there is a real future plan here yeah
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well that extends even to
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thinking that
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even before commitment thinking that
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having sex with someone is going to
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create more of a bond
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is an assumption because there is no
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guarantee that it will create a bond for
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the other person
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there’s no guarantee that sex means the
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same thing to them as it does to you
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absolutely and that’s why you have to be
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you know
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it’s fine if if you have a standard that
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you’ll find being physically intimate
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with someone because you like them and
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you don’t necessarily
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expect that to go somewhere that’s fine
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but if for your own protection you know
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i will get emotionally attached i will
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feel like i want this to be something
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more because i’m sleeping with some
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regularly if you know that it does
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behoove you to
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be careful in
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you know just falling into that trap of
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like we’re sleeping together and i’m
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just gonna assume and get closer and
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closer to this person and assume that
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it’s going to lead somewhere serious
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what’s mistake number three
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mistake number three is assuming that
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sharing emotional intimacy
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means he has long-term intentions and
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this can you know this can apply to men
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and women so it’s not it’s not gender
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specific but just because you have
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phone calls long talks into the night or
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you’re sharing loads of deep stuff over
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texting or whatever
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again
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that
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people can enjoy the fact that they have
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someone they can actually just come home
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at the end of the day and talk about how
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work was why they’re stressed with their
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boss why they’re pissed what you know
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what’s not going their way what they
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want people can enjoy that feeling and
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that comfort the comfort traps our
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relationship
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without necessarily
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meaning that
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like they exclusively have eyes for that
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person or just that they may still feel
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like yeah but i don’t want to like go
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the full way but i really enjoy
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this you know this like special
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friendship we have
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to me
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there’s something that’s jumping out
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which is the elephant in the room right
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you know
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it’s all well and good to say to people
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watch out for these things and you know
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these mistakes and
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that you make and assuming all these
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different things
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in early dating but
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there’s a lot of people out there who a
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lot of men out there who kind of just
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want the girlfriend experience
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and they’re quite happy to use people
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they’re happy to use you physically
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emotionally
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they’re happy to
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love bomb you in a way of you know just
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messaging you all day long and inviting
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you out to things and
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creating this
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false sense of security and intimacy
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meanwhile because they’ve never actually
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articulated the words that they are
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committed to you they’re always in the
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clear
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as you have said multiple times matt you
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know
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we have to take responsibility to
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protect ourselves because a lot of
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people
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if you let them will just take advantage
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of those things and just because your
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standard for how you treat people is a
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certain way does not mean
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somebody else will have the same
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standard as you and you just have to be
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very mindful of those things
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so all of this is
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speaking really to the danger of not
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having
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conversations
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and i really believe in
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assuming exclusivity is an ex is a very
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dangerous thing
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because you you just don’t know until
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you know
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until you have the conversations
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with somebody
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stephen and i created a brand new free
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guide
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and if you’re someone who is seeing
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someone right now
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but you’re not getting the commitment
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you want naturally
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and you want to have the conversation in
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a high value way that is confident
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and that gives you the best chance
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of getting a positive response
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this guide shows you how to do it
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practically it literally hands you the
9:50
conversation we’ve worked really hard on
9:52
it we’re super proud of it it’s free
9:56
and it’s something you can use today
9:58
to get that guide
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go to leave
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limbo.com we said leave limbo.com
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because it’s that’s what you’re doing
10:06
you’re leaving the no man’s land of not
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knowing where you stand and entering the
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territory of a real relationship i
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really like leave limbo when you guys
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told me about the the name of it i i’ve
10:17
really enjoyed it strong alliteration
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yeah it was really good i really liked
10:21
it and also everyone who is listening
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matthew and stephen have both been
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bloody excited about this guide they’ve
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talked about it a hell of a lot and we
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asked your opinion on it and you read it
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and you went i have no notes to add i
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was about to say exactly that and i i
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read it and it’s really really good and
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you guys are gonna absolutely love it
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[Music]
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you
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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