Forget the stereotype—healthy women don’t really want to be with jerks. But there are some traits that are actually the healthy side of bad boy behavior.
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We may deny it, but the truth is: a good portion of us women really do fall in love with bad boys.
Is this healthy? Well, yes and no.
The truth is, healthy women don’t really want to be with assholes. Sure, some of us need to play out old scenarios of low self-esteem, while others are commitment-phobes perpetually choosing unavailable men so they don’t have to truly commit; but for the most part, healthy women don’t really want to be with assholes- they’re just attracted to them.
So why the attraction?
Bad boys have a few traits in common and let me tell you, in small micro doses combined with a truly healthy man, these traits are sexy.
1. So called bad boys are self-absorbed. They’re selfish and they put themselves first.
The flip-side healthy version?
A good man has his own life. He has friends, interests, and things that keep him occupied outside of the relationship. A good man considers his woman a top priority, but he won’t make her his life.
Too often, an unbalanced man will put his woman on a pedestal and make her his world. When a man does this, he becomes one dimensional and well, boring. Just like a woman that doesn’t prioritize her own life and puts her man at the forefront of everything, he becomes out of balance and seemingly obsessed. A woman falls in love with a man for who he is. When men give up their own interests for a women, they become flat and a paler shade of who they really were when she fell in love with him.
Bottom line?
Keep your life. Add her to it, make time for her and love her, but don’t lose your identity. As I like to put it: row your boat next to mine but don’t try to get in my boat.
2. Bad boys want one thing. Sex.
The flip-side healthy version?
Most all of us want sex, but bad boys tend to be hyper-focused on sex, which means they’re extra present with the women they’re trying to seduce, and that, in turn, makes them awesome lovers.
Bad boy seducers have an agenda, and people with agendas must be acutely present while reading the moment carefully in order to access if their strategy is working. Am I saying sex should be a strategy? Nope. I’m saying you can take a clue from the bad boys and stay present. Watch her reaction to what you’re doing and readjust your strategy. If she’s not responding, try something else, communicate with her, and bring yourself into the present moment while feeling the energy of that moment.
Bad boys are determined to have sex and they usually get it because they’re skilled at reading their partner’s needs while being present in the moment.
Bottom line?
Be present (did I say that?) , be in your body, feel what you’re feeling and tune into the reaction your partner is giving you.
3. Bad boys disappear for a while.
The flip side healthy version?
Healthy men don’t have to hang with women 24/7. There’s a healthy need to go off solo, reboot their batteries with their own essence and get shit done. It may sound cliche’, but there’s a reason that absence makes the heart grow fonder. As psychotherapist Zigy Kaluzny once told me:
“Attraction is that slight unavailability that every conscious person has, the gap between us that can never be completely bridged, but is bridged in moments of deep connection, and that is the continuing process that reinforces the relationship… The clingy/needy just drives us away — especially a women away from a man”
Author and relationship coach John Gray would add that science has proven a man’s testosterone levels increase when he takes healthy time away from his woman.
Bottom line?
Remember, she’s the cherry on top your sundae, not the sundae. Have your own life. Be there for her when she needs you, but not if it upsets your whole world. Kind of like putting your own oxygen mask on first before helping others, you can’t let her problems monopolize your world. Enmenshment isn’t sexy or healthy.
A healthy relationship consists of two people deciding to metaphorically row their boats next to one another, not get in the other’s boat. Like the vesica piscis which has been the subject of mystical speculation for centuries, relationships lie in the intersection of two lives, intersecting in the middle.
OK so I took a look at the article and quite frankly I think this is such a bunch of bullshit, what I find is most women these days are the assholes. Self absorbed lacking education, very tacky and couldn’t find their own clit if they had to. I personally have no time for copper tops. Divorce is at an all time high because women have delusional expectations of men in general.
It’s a lie on a social level, that I agree with. There is something to be said about choosing partners. No one wants to really choose an asshole. They choose people they think are good partners for them. I’ve had people tell me I should find a “Good Girl”, and I would stop and think to myself, what is really a good girl? In societies eyes, a good girl is considered a virgin before marriage. Beyond that, there are not many qualifications, until they reach motherhood. It is not like Men marry women for money. At least the majority. Women… Read more »
I look forward to the day when commenters read the article before commenting. Have we really dropped our attention span to reading only titles…not even the first few sentences? Of course healthy women don’t want assholes….I’d love to know your comments and thoughts if you take the time to read it.
Thank you
Tamara Star
The biggest mistake women make is trying to change a man. The biggest mistake men make is trying to rescue women. There is no foolproof method for avoiding bad partners. You just try not to make the same mistakes over and over again. As for nurturing, we need to get rid of the myth that women are somehow more evolved than men simply because of gender. It is a lie we will all be better off without.
The reason is, women are not attracted to male assholes, no more than men are attracted to female assholes. Many women will put up with assholes who have many actual good qualities just because she does not want to be lonely anymore or because he is super charming and that is the thing she went for. These females usually have very low self-esteems and are usually very young. Many times she will try to change him, as females learn we are here to make men better men and love them by being nurturing and selfless. Accept his (unacceptable) flaws, make… Read more »
Ehh….i disagree….a lot of it stems back to either low self esteem or a subconscious choice of not actually wanting true commitment. Then the whole nurturing deal with women….