There are people who always need someone by their side. From the moment they start dating, they never stop jumping from one relationship to another. Some of their relationships might not last for long, while others might last for years. One thing’s for sure: you’ll never see them being single.
On the other hand, there are people who, even though they are pretty, social, and charming, are always single. They prefer short-term flings over lasting relationships, and whenever things start to get serious between them and a potential partner, they run as far away from them as they can.
Both of these examples show an unhealthy behavior pattern. You can’t always be in a search of a relationship — you need to be comfortable being alone for a while — but you can’t remain single forever, either.
One can easily understand why a person feels uncomfortable with the idea of being single. After all, we are social beings, we need each other’s company. What’s more interesting is why would someone want to remain single for years? I recently did some research on the matter, and here’s what I found.
Psychology says that long-term singlehood comes down to two things. Self-hatred and self-love.
Let’s take a look at what both of them mean and how they affect the way we approach our relationships.
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Self-Hatred
On the one hand, we have excessive self-hatred: we might prefer to be single, because, deep down, we believe we’re so damaged that we don’t deserve to be in a relationship and that we’re unworthy of love.
According to the definition of self-hatred in Psychology Today,
“Self-hatred encompasses continual feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and low self-esteem. People may constantly compare themselves to others, perceive only the negative and ignore the positive, and believe that they will never be “good enough.”
These continual feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem lead us to believe that we’re unworthy of love and that everyone else can see it, too. And when someone can’t see it, we immediately think that there must be something wrong with them — they’re probably desperate, weak, or try to deceive us.
As philosopher, author, and founder of School of Life Alain de Botton explains in this video:
“Self-hatred is the more poignant of the pair. On being approached by someone, however initially attractive and competent they might be, we begin to wonder why they should be so naive, so desperate, and so weak as to be drawn to someone like us. When we are inadequately convinced of our own likeability, the attentions of another person must forever seem illegitimate and peculiar, and reflect poorly on their donor. Love feels like a gift we haven’t earned, don’t deserve – and must therefore take care eventually to throw away.”
Think about this: We need to ask ourselves a crucial question: “Aren’t we all flawed?” We have to understand that, at the end of the day, the fear of not being good enough to receive and give love, exists only in our heads. Yes, we might be imperfect but so is everyone around us.
Each one of us is flawed — but each one of us is equally worthy of love. If we allow ourselves to get close to someone and give them the chance to love us, with all of our flaws and weaknesses, we might see that, after all, there’s nothing wrong with being imperfect.
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Self-Love
On the other hand, we have excessive self-love: you’re always single because you think that you’re too good for everyone around you. In your mind, you’re this perfect individual with whom no one can keep up with.
No one can match your looks, your witts, your personality — so you prefer to be single rather than get into a relationship with someone who’s not good enough for you.
In the words of Alain de Botton:
“Then, at the other end of the spectrum, comes excessive self-love, which really means a hesitation around fully acknowledging what a challenging proposition one is – and therefore how much we should rightly be grateful for when someone, anyone with an ordinary share of strengths and weaknesses, looks our way. Perhaps because of the legacy of doting and forgivably biased parents, we are operating with an unhelpful sense of how lucky someone might be to end up in our arms.”
Think about this: Exhibiting a grandiose sense of self-importance is an unhealthy behavior. No matter how perfect we think we are, we all have our flaws and weaknesses. Thinking we’re too good for everyone, is, itself, a flaw of character.
In fact, we should be grateful when a person who’s gentle, caring, and beautiful inside and out, shows interest in us; some people spend years until they find a decent person to form a relationship with. Yes, someone is lucky to be with us — but we’re lucky to end up with them, too.
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Final Thoughts
We’re all different, which means that, when it comes to love and relationships our needs differ. However, there’s one thing that’s true for every single person out there: our relationships with other people are, first and foremost, a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Recognizing and accepting that we have flaws and weaknesses is healthy — we’re human, which means we are imperfect. But, disliking ourselves too much, and thinking we don’t deserve to be with someone, is unhealthy and can seriously harm our mental health.
On the other hand, it’s great to have confidence, believe in our abilities, and love ourselves. But, excessive self-love can seriously harm our relationships with other people, and isolate us.
There’s nothing wrong with being single for a while — or for a long time, if we feel like it. When that, however, becomes a pattern, we might have to look deeper and question the way we view ourselves.
At the end of the day, it’s all about balance: recognizing we’re imperfect, but loving ourselves either way. Accepting we have flaws and weaknesses, but knowing someone out there will love us unconditionally.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: chester wade on Unsplash