You’ve been thinking it for weeks. You’ve discussed it with your friends, you’ve asked your family for advice. You’re finally certain.
You want to end your relationship. You just can’t be with your partner anymore.
After all, when a relationship brings you more suffering than well-being, or when love simply runs out, the most logical thing to do is to end it and turn the page.
So why is it that you can’t seem to be able to muster up the courage to announce to your partner that it’s time you broke up? It’s the only thing you can think about, yet you keep putting off the news.
Here are some reasons you might be afraid of ending your relationship and what you can do about them.
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1. You Can’t Bear to Hurt Your Partner
Let’s be honest with each other. When you break up with someone who still has feelings for you, chances are your decision is gonna hurt them like hell. It’s just the way it is.
And some people just can’t bear the thought of hurting someone who has helped and cared for them multiple times and stood by their side for a long time. You might be one of these people.
You’re probably filled with guilt and thinking something like “They’ve done so much for me and breaking up with them would make me a mean and ungrateful person”.
As author and philosopher Alain de Botton explains:
“We can’t bear to cause another person pain, especially another person towards whom we feel a sense of loyalty, who has been kind to us, who looks up to us for their safety and their future, who has expectations of us and with whom we might have been planning a trip to another continent in a few months.”
What to do about it: Nobody wants to hurt their partner’s feelings — unless they have a heart made of ice. But, not all relationships are made to last.
Remind yourself that as difficult your breakup might be for your partner, in the long run, it will be better for them than staying in a bad relationship with you. You would probably go on to be bitter, mean, depressed, and even unfaithful to them. Staying with them would prove to hurt them much more.
Short term pain is always better than a long term one. Your partner might be angry, sad, or depressed for a couple of weeks or months, but eventually, they’ll get over it and recover.
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2. You’re Scared of Your Partner
Sometimes, the reason someone can’t muster up the courage to break up with their partner is that they’re actually afraid of them.
You’re probably thinking that’s the case with relationships where one of the people involved has anger issues or has exhibited violent behavior. The surprising thing is that subconsciously we might be afraid of our partner even if they’re the kind of person who would never hurt a fly.
In the words of Alain de Botton:
“In another part of our minds, there may also be a terror. More than we realise day to day, we’re scared of our partner. By telling them it’s over, we risk a discharge of titanic anger. They may scream at us, accuse us of leading them on, of being a charlatan and a disgrace. There might be violence and danger.”
What to do about it: Most of our fears exist and can be realized only in one place: our head.
If your partner has never shown any violent behavior towards you, there’s no reason they would snap out on you after you break up with them. As adults, most of us have found out how to control ourselves and deal with bad news.
If, however, you’re still afraid there’s a chance they will go rogue on you, or if they have exhibited violent behavior before towards you or someone else, arrange to tell them you want to break up in a crowded place, or at home with someone from your friends or family by your side.
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3. You’re Scared of Being Alone
This is something people rarely admit, yet is the number one reason most of them can’t break up with their partners, even after the love is long gone.
The fear of being alone.
It can be scary to sit alone in your room at night, with nothing but your thoughts by your side. Now imagine that happening every single day. Returning to an empty house, going in your empty room, lying on your empty bed.
Getting out of a really serious relationship changes a lot of things in your life. You’re used to thinking, feeling, and living for the two of you. Suddenly, it’s just you. No wonder loneliness is extremely scary.
What to do about it: Try considering the fact that although being in a relationship is great, being single comes with many advantages as well.
For example, instead of sitting at home, thinking about how lonely you feel, you could take advantage of your newly found free time and do all the things you couldn’t do when you were in a relationship.
Go out with your friends, watch all those movies that you’ve been wanting to see but your partner didn’t like. Spend some quality time with yourself, get in touch with your inner thoughts and feelings. You would finally be free to do everything your heart desires.
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4. You’re Afraid You Won’t Find Someone Better
Sometimes it’s difficult to let go of a partner because you’re afraid that you won’t be able to find someone better.
After a long search, you had finally found someone who understood you, someone with whom you shared a lot of interests and had a similar mindset. And yet, those things weren’t enough to keep the love going.
You know the time has come to end your relationship, but then, you look around at the people you already know and see no better options. You assume that you won’t find love again, so you decide it’s better to stay with your partner after all.
What to do about it: The fear of not finding someone better than your current partner exists only in your head.
Chances are, like most people, at one point you’ve been dumped by someone for whom you still had feelings. I bet your first thought was something along the lines of “I’ll never find someone like them again”. You may have even told them so.
But, after a couple of weeks/months/years didn’t you actually find someone much better than them? There are billions of people around the world — it’s absurd to think that there aren’t far better partners for you out there than your current one!
Believe me, there are. And the more you improve yourself, the better people you’ll attract in your life.
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Final Thoughts
Ending a relationship is always hard. But, the more you put it off, the harder it gets.
Not all relationships are made to last. You shouldn’t feel guilty because you don’t want to be with your partner anymore. You should also not worry about what your family and inner circle will say about your breakup — it’s your life, your decision.
What matters is to be brave, act as an adult, be completely honest with your partner and end it in a civilized way.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Simon Rae on Unsplash