***
Life is not an Axe body spray commercial.
Sex sells, and what is often sold to young men is the concept of banging every hot woman in his area code. Use this hair gel, follow these pick-up tactics, spray this noxious scent and you’ll have scantily-clad females chasing you down like it’s a foxhunt.
Thanks to evolution via natural selection, sex is a motivating force. As a fitness writer, I know that the desire to fornicate motivates some men to quest for six-pack abs, as if a rippling midsection miraculously causes women to drop their pants and commence ovulating. But I took a survey, which showed that doesn’t actually happen.
I don’t care how many partners you’ve had, or want to have. There are plenty of products that promise to transform you into a ladies man, but I’d like to propose an alternative; a more realistic one; an alternative that could possibly make you a happier man, a better man.
If you’ve wasted time reading the creepy-rapey-misogynistic bullshit spouted by self-proclaimed pick-up artists (PUAs) to get laid, then you know that this is the exact opposite of that kind of advice. To quote a light-saber wielding little green puppet: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
And one quick note—as a man who is married to a woman, I can only speak from that perspective. But this article is not intended to exclude anybody, regardless of gender or orientation.
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Part One: The case for one woman instead of many
The Internet is rife with methods for getting laid. PUAs have all sorts of ridiculous methods and games that promise to provide you with a new sexual conquest every night. Just insult her, act aloof, wear a fuzzy hat and treat your female encounters like hostage negotiations—where what you’re negotiating over is the release of her panties…or something. You’ll be awash in more ladies than your body can possibly tolerate.
I know precisely diddly squat about picking up women for a one-nighter. I mean, I managed to do it once or twice a very long time ago, so I know what it’s like, but I’m not even sure how I did it. What I’d like to do first is convince you of why you may be better off with being dedicated to one woman than trying (and probably failing) to have sex with many.
First off, guys in relationships get more sex than single men do. Check out this chart from the Kinsey Institute, which shows that married guys and guys with girlfriends are far more likely to be engaging in regular sex than single dudes. It’s the single fellas who regularly go more than a year without sex.
Anecdotally, I’ve spoken with many single friends over the years who lament the infrequency of their fornication. I’ve been with the same woman 24 years, and I have a happy and regular sex life (and that’s all I’ll share on that subject). Look at the Kinsey chart again. Married people do have sex, no matter what comedians and sitcoms tell you.
I would venture that even guys who are supposedly good at the pick-up game don’t get as much sex as guys who are good at relationships.
I’ve spoken with both a well-known PUA, as well as a friend who was just so charming and good-looking that women seemed to flock to him, and I still averaged at least as much sex as the former and more than the latter. The second eventually decided “to hell with being single”, got married to a nice woman, and has a couple of kids now. The first, as far as I know, is still incapable of having a lasting relationship. He told me he wished he had what I did.
But the single guys get to have sex with several women, while the balled-and-chained ones only get to have it with one. That sucks!
Says who? Why is it that sex with many is better than with one? First off, let’s question those words “many” and “several” by taking another look at the Kinsey chart. Do you actually know real-live men who have had tremendous and high frequency sex using these PUA tactics to “score copious vagina”?
And second, what can you learn about a person in one night? Sexual encounters, if you’re a caring and unselfish lover who is capable of, you know, learning, get better over time with another person as you figure each other out. You get even more comfortable with each other. You learn what the other person likes and dislikes. A lot of stress is removed and you can jump into it in seconds and start going at it like bonobos on IV Viagra just because it’s a day that ends in “Y.”
And finally, being in love is also awesome. It can make you a better person.
That whole “ball and chain” bullshit is just that. Bull and shit. Every time I look at my wife – the person who has been my very best friend for more than two decades – I think of how lucky I am to have her in my life. I know that no matter what happens, she has my back. I could get sick, injured, poor … and as long as I stayed loyal and decent she wouldn’t leave my side. She’d help me through it.
Would some one-night stand you met at the bar do that?
So, let’s recap why one woman > many women (at least for me):
- The whole “many” part is likely an exaggeration.
- More sex. Probably way more if you’re a good boyfriend.
- The sex gets better as you learn more about each other.
- No condoms! Holy freaking yay and hooray!
- New best friend who likes being naked with you and makes more than just your penis feel good.
Not all women are awesome, but a lot are. If you’re just a young guy don’t fear that I’m talking about marriage and mortgages and multiplying and minivans here. This is just about finding one woman you can be with for more than a weekend, and then you’ll see where it goes from there.
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Part 2: Advice for finding a girlfriend
My relationship with my wife predates the advent of the Internet, so I’m talking about old-fashioned face-to-face interactions here.
—Put looks in perspective
There is a lot more to a woman than how she looks. She could be a runway model, but if her personality makes you grind your teeth, it won’t last even a little while. I’m not saying you should chase women who you don’t find visually appealing, but understand that the vast majority of the population doesn’t fit into that mold you see on the cover of magazines. Real women look like real women. Even cover models are well-lit, made-up, and Photoshopped to hell and back.
And besides, are you a young Brad Pitt? If you were, would you be reading this?
You need to find someone you can have a conversation with; someone who makes you think: This person is cool. I like this person. I want to spend time with this person. You want to find a woman who, the more time you spend with her, the better looking she becomes.
—Be your (best) self
The guy I am when I’m hanging out with my male friends isn’t really the guy I am most of the time. We’re talking trash and saying some seriously raunchy stuff. You know, locker room guy talk. That’s just letting the Y chromosome run loose for a while.
When you meet a woman for the first time, you can’t pretend to be a person you’re not in an effort to impress her. She might buy it for a little while, but the long-term potential is doomed. You have to be yourself, but be your best self. Be the man you really aspire to be more like. Basically, behave. Be a gentleman. Be a little nicer than usual. Be your “helping the elderly lady with her groceries” self rather than the “I’m on my fifth beer and watching football with the guys” self.
Women understand you have multiple personalities. The old-woman-helping personality is probably more the true you than you realize. She realizes it, and appreciates it, and probably doesn’t mind the asshole version of you that you pretend to be around your friends as long as she doesn’t need to be subjected to it all the time. She understands it’s basic male-posturing bullshit that we’re all prone to.
What I’m saying is, skip all that alpha male crap and just be the polite and kind version of you.
—Where to meet them
Absolutely anywhere. Don’t ever feel like you have to go to a place where alcohol is served. You could be waiting in a line, waiting for a bus, in an elevator, at a bookstore, buying groceries, at the gym, in a park, in a coffee shop, out for a walk. Anywhere women are present is an acceptable place to meet them. You can strike up a conversation and see where it goes.
—Avoid the disinterested
If she has her headphones on and her nose buried in a book, this is a signal that she’d rather not be disturbed. Leave her alone. Depending on the circumstances, you don’t necessarily need to wait for a “come hither” look, but if someone seems at least open to a friendly chat, take a shot.
Here is my advice on taking such shots:
1. Observations work, pickup lines don’t
Women often say that, “Hello, my name is …” is the best form of an introduction, and I’ve never heard one who says they like a pickup line. However, you can show some creativity that sets you apart by making a witty or insightful comment.
Although I am 100% dedicated to my wife, I still do talk to other women. Not long ago my son was taking his learner’s license exam. A woman sat next to me while her daughter was taking the same exam. We were both on our iPhones doing … nothing important.
I said, “You know, in the days before smart phones we might actually have been forced to talk to one another.”
She chuckled, per her phone down, and said, “What do you want to talk about?” And so we chatted for the next 20 minutes. All it took was a somewhat witty observation about what was happening right then. It poked fun at something that we were both well aware of. Most importantly, there was nothing sexual about it. In my (married) case, I’d never do that anyway, but in your case it’s equally important to make these introductory observations completely innocent.
If something strikes you at the spur of the moment as an interesting and potentially witty observation, then it’s a good icebreaker. If you’re good at it then it can work even better than the “Hello, my name is …” route because the latter’s more formal nature can imply your intentions outright, which can be awkward if she’s not interested or in a relationship, whereas the witty observation can be interpreted as simply making conversation. It lowers the risk, and allows you to bail a lot easier if you feel the conversation isn’t going well.
Remember, choose silly over sexual with an icebreaker. You could be waiting at a bus stop, and it’s pouring rain. You are standing near a woman you find attractive. You could say something like: “I have to remember to water the lawn when I get home.” Or, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen anyone sing in the rain before.”
Whatever happens after that second one, don’t start serenading her.
2. Be ready to cease and desist
Maybe you thought you saw an opening, and maybe you were wrong.
Read her reactions to your approach. If she’s not interested, she’ll give you clues. Watch for them. If you receive such clues, back away. If she’s not positively engaging with you then it’s not going anywhere.
But if it does start going somewhere …
3. Actually listen to what she has to say
Don’t view her talking as the mandatory period of time you need to sporadically wait until you get to talk about yourself again. Actually listen to what she has to say and process it with your brain rather than just thinking with the much smaller, stupider brain between your legs. Beyond just being respectful, it gives you key insights into her personality, which will let you know if this is someone you may actually wish to date for an extended period of time.–
4. Compliment her on things other than her looks
I interviewed a number of women about how they like to be approached in the gym, and the consensus is that they don’t appreciate being appreciated solely for their looks. From my article:
Jen much prefers a compliment on her strength as opposed to her shape. “A workout-related compliment would totally work for me,” Kris says.
Michelle says, “I do tons of squats to keep my ass defying gravity, but a comment about that is not appreciated. You can save it for when we know each other better.”
Feel free to compliment a women on her technique, effort or strength, but, as Michelle says, save the compliments about her physique for when you know her better.
Outside the gym it’s the same deal. It you find an opportunity to give her a sincere compliment about something other than her looks because you are legitimately impressed, and not just looking to get into her pants, then that’s okay.
5. You don’t need to act interested in her; you need to BE interested
Remember, we’re talking about girlfriend material here. Not one night stand. A relationship is an investment of time, emotion and even love that goes way beyond sex. Find someone you find interesting.
6. Accept that rejection will happen
I know a lot of PUAs preach the numbers game. Hit on a ton of women and some will be interested. Screw that.
Be discerning. Engage in conversations with women you find interesting and attractive and see where it goes. But also realize that things could be one-sided. You may like her, but it’s not reciprocated. This does NOT make her a bitch. It makes her a human being deserving of respect. Don’t fall into that “poor me” trap.
Women have every right to reject you. Accept it. Learn from it. Find someone you like who won’t reject you, and be happy together.
7. Focus on her
When you’re talking to her, focus on her. Don’t keep scanning the room for someone better to come along. That’s just rude.
8. Tell her what you want
Personally, what I think what you should want is to talk to her again, and that you should tell her that. Something along the lines of, “I’d like to call you and talk more. Can I have your phone number?”
It’s not a date. You didn’t ask to “see her” again. It’s just a phone number where you can call and chat further and see where that goes. Mind you, that’s the safe way to play it. The night I met my wife I spent about four hours talking to her to the exclusion of all others. I was so enamored it was like the rest of the world ceased to exist, and I could tell that she was interested in me as well – there were hints she gave that even I was able to read – and I asked her out on a proper date that evening. But that was specific to the circumstances. Don’t feel the need to rush. Speaking of which …
9. Don’t feel the need to rush
Every woman is different. There is no such thing as a “three date rule” about sex.
I know a woman who took a guy home from a bar she’d met that night, and he never left. They were together for ten years and had two kids. Other people take longer before they’re interested in having sex. Progress can be slow, but as long as you feel as though your relationship is progressing at a rate you’re comfortable with, no outside influences on “closing escrow” or other male-locker-room-bullshit terminology should matter one bit.
If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. And if it doesn’t happen, you need to accept that. You know what I’m talking about. Be a good man, not a bad man.
10. Don’t feel the need to follow traditional dating rules
Just ask to hang out with her and do fun stuff with her. Go out and live some life together. It doesn’t have to be all fancy dinners and movies, although sometimes that’s good too. Other times, it’s just hanging out.
11. Cook for her
It worked for me.
12. Talk about where things are going
You don’t want to weird her out by doing this too soon, but it’s worth talking about your relationship to find out at least an idea of where it’s going and what she wants to see if it’s in line with what you want. Again, not talking marriage and minivan here, but perhaps having a discussion about things like exclusivity and a desire to get closer could be valuable.
13. Don’t be a whiner
Women like confidence, but that doesn’t necessarily manifest the way you might think. This doesn’t mean you act like I’m confident I can get you to take your pants off, because her reaction to that may likely be, I’m confident that you will NEVER see me naked. Instead, they prefer men who can handle the trials and tribulations that affect every life with a minimum of fuss. They don’t want a guy they have to babysit, but someone who can get excrement done and fix their own problems with a positive attitude rather than a defeatist who mopes about how life isn’t fair.
You’re right. Life isn’t fair. Deal with it
♦◊♦
Part 3: How to keep your girlfriend
You can’t trick, manipulate, cajole or threaten her into staying with you. There is only one way, and even it’s not a sure thing. What you must do is be the type of man she wants, and treat her in such a way that she will never think to leave because you’ve made her life so wonderful.
But there is something critically important to remember in all this, and that is that your happiness is just as important as hers, because if you sacrifice too much, if you make yourself miserable in order to make her happy, then eventually you will become resentful and it all falls apart. It must be a win-win situation, which is focused on creating a mutually beneficial relationship. Sort of like simultaneous orgasms. Remember, relationships are not a zero-sum game. For her to win doesn’t mean you must lose. Be a giver, and you will receive back.
Here are some of the basics I’ve picked up from convincing a woman way out of my league to stick with me for almost a quarter century:
Be reliable
This is not the same thing as being whipped, but about being a man of your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then do it.
Sometimes this means getting up off your ass when there is good stuff on TV when she needs you. Like if she needs a ride, needs help moving something, fixing something, or just needs to talk about something. You need to be there for her on a regular basis, and not just when you want to have sex.
And know that this is not one way. Be there for her, and she’ll be there for you.
Be loyal
Even open relationships usually have rules.
You need to establish the rules of your relationship, and stick to them.
I’m big into monogamy—which I recognize isn’t for everyone—partially because the thought of my wife being with someone else makes me feel sick. The rule we came to together is this: me and her, no one else. To expect her to stick to that rule, I have to as well. It’s fair. It’s being loyal to our contract.
But it goes beyond this.
A long-term girlfriend, someone who may one day become your wife, is someone you want to support, sometimes in the face of criticism from others. I once told a friend, “One of the most important jobs a husband has is to protect his wife from his mother.”
It may be cliché, but mothers don’t always get along so well with their sons’ wives (or girlfriends). If your significant other is really, shockingly, badly wrong in an evil sort of way and others are telling you this, I’m not saying take her side over that of your family or your friends. Instead, I’m saying rethink that relationship. This happens. I lost a good friend to his crazy, manipulative girlfriend. Don’t think with your penis, but instead find a good woman who is worthy of you.
And if you do, know that even a good woman makes mistakes, and for these less serious matters, you’re going to want to take your partner’s side most of the time. If you break up, your mom will forgive you. If you’re always taking your mom’s side over your girlfriend’s, you won’t have a girlfriend much longer.
And it goes even further.
Some guys, for some stupid reason, think it’s cool to make fun of their girlfriend in public. They use her as the butt of jokes to impress their friends.
Don’t do that. That’s stupid. That’s disloyal and disrespectful. This woman trusts you. She lets you see her naked. Why the hell would you do that?
And even when she’s not around, don’t let your friends talk smack about her. Straighten them out. Tell them you don’t want them saying nasty things about her. Instead, tell others how much you appreciate her, because the way you talk about her will find it’s way back to her. You want people telling your girlfriend you say nice things about her, not unkind things.
I remember years ago at a company Christmas party my wife coming up to me and giving me a big kiss and saying, “You’re awesome.” When I asked what brought that on, she explained that one of my co-workers told her about how I always speak so highly of her.
And more recently I was on the radio discussing “useless” university degrees. I didn’t even know my wife was listening when I said, “The most value I got out of my undergraduate degree was meeting my wife.” The announcers laughed, but it prompted my wife to send me a loving text message.
Accept her body
Adoring / worshiping / massaging her body is good.
Telling her to change it: not good.
Let’s start off with body hair. Perhaps you’ve been programmed by porn to expect a certain depilated look. First off, know that the stuff is there for a reason. If she prefers the natural look, don’t try to guilt her into transforming into some shaved Barbie just to satisfy your infantile desires. You can make a gentle suggestion if you want once your relationship is well established, but accept her decision on the matter.
As for the rest of her body, I believe there is merit in being a good fitness and healthy eating role models, and creating a supportive environment that allows you both to look after your health without any pressure to look a certain way. That’s about it.
Speaking of her body, let’s make this article a little more interesting and talk about body-touching-body stuff.
Kiss her like you miss her
Chances are you won’t be having sex every day. At least, not after a while. Well, maybe you will, but probably not.
Anyway, if she likes it, you should definitely kiss her every day. A lot. When saying hello and saying goodbye, even if you’re going to be gone only a couple of hours.
It keeps you connected. It lets her know you care about her. Hold her close and give her a passionate kiss. Frequently.
Cuddle morning and night
If you’re living together, then it’s good bonding to cuddle right before sleep, and right upon waking. Setting the alarm five minutes early to cuddle each other starts the day off right.
Note: Cuddling doesn’t necessarily have to involve sex. Sometimes, it leads to it though. Feel free to enjoy those times.
Sleep naked
This obviously isn’t a requirement, but I do think it’s good advice if you’re both naked in bed all night. It makes those aforementioned cuddles way more enjoyable, and gives the two of you better access to the fun stuff. It makes you think more about each other in sexual terms. You don’t want to ever stop thinking about each other sexually, and spending more time touching each other while naked – even when no sex is involved – helps keep you sexually connected.
It also helps if you …
Shower together
More naked time together = good. Again, it doesn’t necessarily mean sex. It’s just being naked together. Saves water too.
Get better at sex
We’re talking about keeping a girlfriend here, and if you keep getting better in the sack, she’s more likely to want to stick with you.
I’m not going to write a how-to-be-a-sexual-tyrannosaurus advice book. I know only a few things about getting better in bed, and I’ll share them:
- Have conversations about sex outside of having sex. Keep it light. Talk about things each of you like. Don’t take her comments as criticism, but as valuable feedback. Consider it a skill that takes time to develop and be determined to get better at it.
- Take pleasure in her pleasure. Think about you, sure, but think about her too.
- Listen to her voice. Pay attention to her moans and do more of stuff that has her making pleasurable sounds, and less of stuff that doesn’t.
- React to her body. Just like listening to her voice, you need to do the same with her body. Is she pulling away or tensing up with discomfort? Then you need to change your technique. Is she reacting like she wants to pull you through the mattress? That’s good. Do more of that.
That’s what I got.
Okay, back to the less naked stuff for a bit.
Be hygienic
Early on in your relationship you probably don’t need to be reminded of this, but just because you’ve become comfortable with each other doesn’t mean you should get too comfortable.
Don’t gross her out
I think it’s probably good advice that you should never marry a woman you can’t fart in front of. However, just because you can fart in front of her, doesn’t mean you always should. I’m not saying hold them all in so you explode, but don’t relish in constantly blasting away like you have a leaf blower strapped to your ass either. Show some class. Say, “Excuse me.”
And for God’s sake, never crap in front of her.
Keep physically fit
Not sure what to do to stay in shape? Shameless self-promotion alert! I’m a syndicated fitness columnist, and you can find all my published work here and my blog is here.
But yeah, try to stay healthy for her. Physically fit men have higher sex drives and much lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction.
Hold her hand
Duh.
Make plans for the future that involve her
It could be next week, next month or next year, but talking about what you plan for the future together is a sure way to get her thinking about your long-term prospects.
On that note, you may need to …
Sacrifice for her
Long ago I wanted to be a history professor. I went so far as finishing a master’s degree in military history. Then I thought about how nomadic the lifestyle is, bouncing around from university to university in a quest for a tenured position, and I thought about the havoc that would create for my wife, who wanted to start a family medicine practice.
I couldn’t ask her to do that, so I changed my plans for the sake of our relationship.
You may need to do something like that. Decide what’s more important to you: her, or this other thing.
Self-improvement: Work on it
If you meet her when you’re 20, she doesn’t want you to be the same guy when you’re 40. You’ll need to grow, and probably grow up a little.
Keep her interested in you by constantly striving to be a better human. Don’t see falling in love as weakness, but draw strength from it instead. Use it as motivation to better yourself. Be a man worthy of an amazing woman’s company. She doesn’t want you to turn into some lazy, couch-surfing, Doritos-scarfing, beer-guzzling, serial farting, unhygienic and unmotivated clown. Quest to become the opposite.
Okay, back to sex.
Realize that what happens in porn and what happens with her is likely to be very different
Don’t let porn be your guide in the bedroom. Let her be your guide. Well, don’t be a puppet; guide each other. And don’t expect her to behave like Amber/Ginger/Jenna/Tori.
Those women are actors. Your girlfriend is not.
Speaking of porn, keep your usage in check
This isn’t about guilt or morality. I’m going to appeal strictly to your self-interest. The fact is excessive porn usage can have a negative affect on your sex life because of the way it changes your brain. Read this science-based explanation as to why.
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Let go of unrealistic fantasies
Many guys fantasize about having a threesome. With twins.
Okay, sorry about that.
If you’re in a long-term monogamous relationship – if she’s the one and you’re getting married – then the twin thing probably isn’t going to happen. Let it go.
Do things that are important to her, even if you don’t want to
Remember that a relationship is give and take. Go to those family events. Watch that sappy movie. Look at those curtain swatches. Take notice of the things she does for you that she probably doesn’t want to, and be appreciative.
Appreciate her values and point of view
Pay attention to what she has to say and digest it rather than dismiss it. You may learn something.
Give her the remote
Every once in a while. It won’t kill you.
Focus on her good qualities and not her bad ones
Chances are, you are light years from perfect. Accept that she isn’t either.
Here’s my advice: Think of her often, in a positive light. Daydream about her, and idolize her just a little. Imagine her as her best self, and you’ll want to be the type of man who is worthy of her.
Don’t dwell on minor things that bug you, but instead focus on appreciating the awesomeness that is your girlfriend.
Clean up
I’m pretty sure a man doing housework is an aphrodisiac for women.
Be a good dad
Saving this one for second last, in case your relationship ever gets to that point.
A guy who looks after the kids, plays with them, changes diapers, is a good role model, is kind to them etc. is a turn on for most wives. (Note: Not saying you have to be married to raise kids together.)
And finally …
Ditch jealousy
You know that expression, “If you love something, set it free”? Well, when it comes to a woman, that’s bullshit, because you never owned her in the first place to be able to set her free. She honors you with her presence based on your behavior, and she can choose to withhold that presence permanently whenever she decides.
The way to be able to trust her is to just trust her. Jealousy has the opposite of the intended effect.
Again, she has the right to leave you at any time. There are some things in a relationship where it’s one strike and you’re out, so don’t ever [expletive] hit her.
There is a woman out there who is right for you. Go find her, and be good to her.
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Love this article, I found some article like this and they suggest to try sex toys, that’s why I purchased some of it like Wild G-Spot Vibrator, Crystal Heart of Glass and Charming Cherries Kegel Balls, and I got all of it with lots of freebies like free gifts, totally hot DVDs, free shipping (really like this offer very discreet!) and the best part..50% easy savings for me! I used some coupon code at the checkout that’s why I got the freebies and the discount, the code is PROMO50. And oh! free shipping is available within US only. GoodLuck and… Read more »
From a 24 year old single woman’s perspective, I thoroughly enjoyed this article. I have had two serious relationships with two wonderful men but unfortunately much of this was missing from the relationship. Much of these suggestions on how to treat women can definitely be reversed and applied to men. I know if I ever found a man that did all of those things it would take a major catastrophe to pull me away from him. This is wonderful advice. James is an excellent writer. It’s no secret that most PEOPLE are unsatisfied with their sex lives in a variety… Read more »
I can’t help but say this out loud… That part about “Don’t gross her out”… Are you kidding me? 1) I sure hope were not all striving to be too antiseptic. Yes, there “good taste” but I hope the two of you can be playful and light hearted enough to determine where those lines are together. Good forbid we take “no fart jokes” as the determinant of a “mature and healthy” relationship. 2) Everybody poops. To avoid that truth seems either close minded, immature, ignorant, or judgmental. I sure hope you would have a different attitude towards your children, let… Read more »
That said, this was a really great, practical, and comprehensive article. 🙂
Pardon my only offering criticism before… I think I had my head stuck somewhere dark.
–Burt
I loved reading this article, because, well, it’s quite reflectively accurate of why I’ve lost interest in guys in the past and ended up dumping them as a result. Pretty much spot on regarding how to treat a significant other AND how to make a woman interested in you in the first place. Thanks, especially for the comments on not commenting on our bodies right away (yes, we want you to be attracted to our bodies, especially if we take good care of them, but most of us are not looking to be objectified by our potential partners), and the… Read more »
One of the BEST articles ever written! (I’m a woman who will share this with single friends).
I know a lot of people in college who this article can help if they have the courage to pull themselves out of their states of self-pity and anger at the world. Well written and very thorough. It also has given me some things to strive for in my relationship, especially since I’m graduating this year and my girlfriend is a sophomore.
Yeah, you can do all that stuff and still have things not work out. Every situation is unique, and there are no guarantees.
Excellent! Really excellent! I particularly loved the motivational part at the beginning. It’s how I’ve always defended against the cultural imperative of being a “player”. Me with my boring long-term relationship: Sex whenever we want, and not only on Saturday night, if lucky. And I noticed that with every woman sex keeps getting better, even after years. There’s so much to learn and try, and so many little beginner’s problems to iron out. It pays off. In good moments I can even feel sorry for guys who can get almost any women into bed but don’t know how to keep… Read more »
“you can meet women anywhere”
Thanks, that’s helpful. Almost as helpful as telling me that I could be struck by lightning anywhere on the face of the planet. Technically true, but not really too useful.
@AnonymousDog… “Thanks, that’s helpful. Almost as helpful as telling me that I could be struck by lightning anywhere on the face of the planet. Technically true, but not really too useful.” OK. Now go to your room!!! Lol! Just kidding of course. He is right. You CAN indeed meet women anywhere. I was in Walmart today. Had a friendly conversation with a woman name Nicole. If I were not in a relationship, I would have asked her to come have lunch with me. Seriously. All she could have said was “No.” Right? Then I would have asked for her #…… Read more »
All good advice, seems to me. A good list of “best practices.” However, I keep thinking that there are some more important, even deeper issues that a man who wants to find and/or keep a girlfriend has to address. Some self-awareness and soul-searching would go a long way. For example: 1. Figure out why you are looking to be in a relationship. You ought to have some answer for yourself that you feel comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be a fully formed answer, but give it some thought. Because everyone else is doing it, or it’s what everyone’s supposed… Read more »
I fully agree with ( wellokaythen ), I would like to add : be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it , the most important part to acknowledge to your self and find out is if that is really what I want and how does it fit in into my life goals and dreams ( career , money , ambitions ) in a realistic way , being with another person requires some degree of self sacrifice !! you have to be willing to accept that as a reality of any committed relationship, not everyone is made… Read more »
Sleeping naked FTW! 😉 My husband and I have observed this rule throughout our 15-year marriage. It started frankly because we live in a very warm area, and our first apartment had crappy air conditioning. But it has become a habit. There is something about the skin-to-skin contact that, in addition to the “easy access to the fun stuff,” is very intimate, comforting, soothing and reassuring. There are times, of course, when wearing PJs to bed is necessary: on rare cold nights; or when relatives are sleeping over (especially little nieces and nephews who might appear in the bedroom in… Read more »
I hate sleeping naked, but every man I’ve ever been in a committed relationship with was a naked sleeper. Most of them have also complained that I’m not a naked sleeper, which always confused me because I was like, “We’re sleeping…how does it matter what I’m wearing? I don’t mind that YOU’RE naked..” I don’t think we ever lacked frequency in our sex life (or rather, when we did, the cause was not lack of naked sleeping–usually the cause has been a child under 2). So, it’s still a mystery to me, the whole naked sleeping business. 🙂
Hi Jules A warm hug from me. You write: “Sure. When American women change there very narrow view(s) of male attractiveness.” You are right Jules. In a few minutes time I will watch episode 4 in the Danish series with arranged marriage . I am fascinated exactly because here we have couples that start a relationship NOT based on physical attraction for each other in the firm belief that we can get to know a person,love and then attraction grows. Even sexual attraction and deep passion can develop between persons that never was attracted when they saw each other for… Read more »
@Iben.. Hello Iben! And a big, tight, warm hug from me to you too (with a soft and gentle kiss to the forehead:) You wrote, “In our culture, maybe we start in the wrong end. We look for a partner we are sexually and emotionally strongly attracted to from day one. Or maybe we look mainly for security and ignore the other parts deep need for sex.” Iben, I really think you are on to something here. Most of my friends live around the world. We all met while in graduate school. My very dearest friend is Korean. He and… Read more »
Hi Jules
Thank you 🙂
A new article today on GMP about sexless marriage and how to deal with it.
“Equating Love With Possession”.
some good some bad some just dumb in here… i know you gotta fill up the page butt… this reads at times like cosmo for guys.. the problem is… nothing works like experience.. learning.. ppl been getting gfs since the beginning of time.. key is you gotta be out there where they are.. not in front of a computer reading how to do it.. let natural selection occur.. those who cant figure out these simple things on their own are likely to forget them after theyve had their gf for awhile..
I agree with a lot of what you say but this article came off as preachy and somewhat of a “You too can be evolved like me” attitude.
LOL, Idealism at it’s finest – If you were looking for an article that demonstrates straight pandering to how women think men should act and be, you’ve found it. If you were trying to write an article that women would love, and men would understand to be based on false information – For instance, the study on porn makes a bunch of statements about dopamine, but that is not the only chemical that is prevalent from sex – in fact, you can get a dopamine boost from taking a poo. Testosterone and oxytocin are more important to a male sex… Read more »
When I see men say things like “this article just panders to women”, I tend to believe they believe they are above having to work on themselves or their relationships with women. it often seems that there are some men that automatically assume that any article that talks about treating women well is simply “andiering” to women. Which is equally insulting to women as it is to men. As if men are above getting tips on how to improve their relationships or giving men tips on how to improve their relationships is just a way to appease women in some… Read more »
@Erin…
“What? You don’t want to kiss your partner with excitment? You don’t want to hold her hand? You don’t want to be open to her and her own unique sexuality? That’s crazy!”
Sure!!! The problem Erin is he ignores the fact that often the woman does not want to kiss (fear he might want sex), or that maybe his wife has lost sexual interest in him. So, it all for naught Erin. Those are great things to do with your wife or partner ASSUMING SHE IS STILL INTERESTED!
“Those are great things to do with your wife or partner ASSUMING SHE IS STILL INTERESTED!”
Women who are not into their men are another subject.
The article is about finding a girlfriend and keeping her – so we should assume she is interested, as she is going out with him and such.
My brain… is hurting…
Hi Erin,
It’s pandering because because at the same time he says that the main objective of a relationship isn’t getting sex, he frames the article with “This is how you get more sex”…
From the beginning of the article:
First off, guys in relationships get more sex than single men do.
😉
Jules – yes, not all women may want to kiss their partners. That’s another problem in entirely. There are many women that do want to kiss their partners and much more.
FlyingKal, then you believe it’s pandering to men, not to women, yes? If you believe the entire premise of the article is simply about getting sex..except that is not the impression I am left with despite giving tips about how to get more sex.
@Erin…
Of the few women I dated before marriage, my ex wife was the ONLY one who grew to eschew kissing. Everything just went down hill. I don’t have bad breath.
The three women I have been with since my divorce loved kissing me. They all complimented me on being a terrific kisser. So, it was not me.
I practice proper hygiene and keep a tooth brush, toothpaste, and mouth wash in my car/truck along with 2 liters of water. I brush 3-4 times a day!
You see, that is not about women, but what kind of woman and the relationship you have with them, their own problems, etc.
Hi Erin,
I think it’s pretty obvious that the author is using the “more/better sex” as a lure to get people to heed his advice, “you just have to work a little harder to make her happy”.
Thanks, Jules.
Can this please be required reading for all blokes my age? Cool.
Here is reality:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/09/sexless-marriage_n_3869506.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009
James, this is a terrific article.
I am now with the best man of my life and couldn’t be happier. This reminded me of him.
Thank you for writing such an intelligent, decent, balanced piece. What you’ve said that women respond to and appreciate is spot on, i.e. provided they are mentally healthy, happy women, which are the type I recommend to all you great guys.
Hi James Thank you for speaking the truth about PUA. It is deeply distressing to read their web sites, and follow debates there. All young girls and women should be taught all about their tactics like sarging with their wingmen, begging and how they also manipulate in bed to push women’s boundaries when they say no to certain sexual activities. I have read how they teach men to behave in bed to make women ” accept ” anal sex when the women resist it. It is disturbing and still lots of men trust the teachings of PUA. We can only… Read more »
Typo
Not begging but NEGGING
That is most American men for you. It is just that PUAs are the only honest men there to talk about true American men behavior and views about women (who they believe are inferior beings who live to serve men as hot, hairless sex toys) and sex (something women give, men take; something that makes men feel “powerful” and orgasm – on the woman’s face usually – and something women should be performing for the pleasure of men and never orgasm in the end; where men get to live all their fantasies and women get to make men’s fantasies come… Read more »
some of the best and most refreshing advise I’ve seen so far. Going to re-read over it again later. Great work!
Don’t forget to expect her to also sacrifice, etc for you. Pretty much all of this, she should be doing for you too. Stand up for yourself, do not let her walk all over you.
What a wonderful article. Thanks.
Please don’t hit on women on public transport! That’s awful advice. I know it can work sometimes but in the majority of cases she’s left with someone she doesn’t want to talk to, that she cant get away from, and who is going to know the area in which she lives or works from where she gets off the bus. You are going to make a lot of women feel creeped out.
I agree 100% with what Sophie says. I speak from experience.
I was “cornered” on the bus by a guy just this last week who also happened to corner me on the same bus a month or two before. He’s probably a good guy but his body language and behavior during and since have made me consider alternate bus routes.
Ok, where can we hit on women and where should we not. Gimme a definitive list because I’m utterly sick of so many contradicting opinions on the matter! I currently just don’t hit on people because it’s damn confusing to know when the appropriate time is, is the supermarket ok? At a public event like a festival? When you say cornered, what do you mean? I was made aware to keep in mind the exits and make sure SHE can get to them so she feels safe, which is basic animal instinct there. What else should I look out for?… Read more »
Hi Archy
Don’t ask American women about this when you live in Australia.
Ask Australian women in your area.
All societies have unwritten rules about this ,
and how safe( or insecure) women feel in public places differs greatly in different countries and regions inside a country. Even inside one city you see different norms for this in different parts of the city.
The anxiety American women seems to feel is unknown to me in Scandinavia.
Come visit NY…it is horrific how some people behave here on public transportation….and in the streets….PUAs think it’s like they’re in a shooting gallery…the more shots the more targets they might hit on the bull’s eye…..
Interestingly enough, I felt very safe and respected in Oahu (I guess people there do not want to piss off the rich Japanese shoppers there!)….
@Leia…
“.PUAs think it’s like they’re in a shooting gallery…the more shots the more targets they might hit on the bull’s eye…..”
Are they (PUAs) being successful? They must be if they are still shooting.
the best advices come from PUA’s, the rest is either recycled or utterly useless.
I know some people are fanatically against PUA’s but only because they miss the point or because they have been told so (monkey see, monkey do) or they are dishonest. Anyways, PUA is not for everybody, and not everybody need it.
@Julia Byrd “Are they (PUAs) being successful? They must be if they are still shooting.”
Irrelevant. They may be successful once in a while as they keep shooting and shooting, but while they are at it they are making women feel disgusted. Many times they outrigt lie, offend and mock women as well. And the community is extremely sexist/misogynist and homophobic.
@Mr Supertypo
The best advice to be a slave dude who only thinks about sex and to turn yourself into an idiot who sees women as points and toys to play with.
I DO live in Australia, and I’d still insist on the “please don’t hit on people on public transport” rule. When you are en route, there is no safe exit. If you get off a few stops early, will this person follow you and then you’ll be trapped alone with them? If you get off at your stop, even if they don’t follow you directly (sometimes they do, and this is awful), they will know the area you live/work. It’s awesome that you keep in mind exits, and on that note, a lot of places are probably fine to flirt… Read more »
Hi Archy You ask where you can hit on girls. Why not ask Joanna here on GMP write more about this? I understand your frustration and confusion. As a woman and friend my advice is to stop thinking of ” hitting on women” and start socializing instead. Go places where people socialize, where they go to have fun, feel safe and relaxed. If you walk around looking for women they sense it. Go places where men and women do something together. In my city the gym is not a good place to meet new friends. Some meet doing voluntary work,… Read more »
@Iben….. Hello today Iben! Its around 4:00 PM EST here in the US on the East Coast. I had a really great two hour work out in the gym. Really exhausted. I hope you are well. I think you gave Archy some great advice in terms of meeting people and socializing. I don’t know about Scandinavia or Australia, but here in the US there seems to be a lot of confusion about socializing versus “hitting on.”. A lot of women will perceive any conversation as an attempt to hit on them. Many women even think engaging in a conversation with… Read more »
Hi Jules Thank you for your kind words. You write : ✺”A lot of women will perceive any conversation as an attempt to hit on them. Many women even think engaging in a conversation with a strange man as “creepy”.✺ This is the same impression I get when I read women’s comment on GMP. This distrust makes life difficult for both men and women. But maybe American men are too fast and too direct in their ways when they want a date? Sometimes this works because the woman like and trust the man instantly like your girlfriend liked you at… Read more »
@Iben… Hello! I really don’t know the answer Iben as to why the distrust. Maybe it is not distrust? Perhaps the women only want to give their #s to the attractive guys? I think the latter, but I really do not know. If a guy is asking for a phone number, then I would assume he wants further communication with the woman, either via txt or actual conversation. Most people have smartphones that are capable of blocking a particular caller. SO, I agree with James on this point. I also agree with him on talking to women on the bus,… Read more »
I appreciate the sentiments, though I think these kind of advice columns always come across a bit like an opportunity for people in relationships to demonstrate their personal superiority to those people who are lonely. I am not always sure who coupled people think lonely people are, but not all of us are female-loathing creeps who can’t hold a conversation and are only interested in sex. A lot of us know to treat people with respect and kindness; we are interesting and intelligent; we have goals and we pursue them. Just because we are lonely does not mean we don’t… Read more »
@Nick… You reflect the reality of how many men live today. Also, I know there are women in the same situation. I have empathy for all. I do not think James was trying to say “Oh, look at me and how great I have it.” His intentions are well meaning. What I resent about certain aspects of his article is the notion that if a man does his 50 things, all is going to be well. I am here to say Rubbish!!!! I find it amazing how women are applauding what he writes yet few of them REALLY want a… Read more »
Jules,
In my experience, yes, women do REALLY want these qualities…
…in a man they’re otherwise attracted to. If they can find that, jackpot! If not, attractiveness wins. Put another way, these are some really nifty qualities, but they are not the seed of attraction.
And that fact is the root of frustration for so many guys who are told the opposite.
@Jonathan,
Yes, ONLY from the men whom they find attractive. They do not by and large find these qualities attractive in men whom they are NOT attracted too.
“Yes, ONLY from the men whom they find attractive. They do not by and large find these qualities attractive in men whom they are NOT attracted too.” Dude, stop frustrating us. Of course women want this from men they find attractive, as these are the men they want to be dating. Men also want all of that from women they find attractive, as these are the women they want to date. Are these news? But we also want respect from men we do not find attractive… we just wont date them. The same way men also want to be respected… Read more »